Who Moved My Sleep?

Ha It works again. Sitting in the eye doctors office and I'm waiting for the appointment to continue I look up and notice her certificates on the wall. Her maiden name was Scott's middle name. Not a real common name! Nope not looking for it stuff just happens.

I am so tired today. I'm not sleeping. That doesn't sound new for nine months I don't sleep. I don't know how to make sleep happen that is sound and restful. I don't know how real sleep possible. I try everything. Hot bath, soothing music, my journal, reading, just laying in bed counting sheep. Nothing works. I get to sleep each night by taking my anti anxiety meds, melatonin, crying while holding a Buzz Lightyear.

I use my mental imagining to try my best and somehow I sleep but it isn't restful. I ask for help and ability to rest, truly rest. You all know that feeling. I used to know that feeling and maybe someday it might happen. I know it is from the nightmare of spending 36 hours looking for him. No I'm not the only one who looked for him. I wouldn't have survived those hours without so many people, so much help. Sometimes I can put it away for a time but it all seems to come rushing back and lately it has been heavier. The frantic and panic. Driving around in the middle of nowhere by myself looking for him when no one else knew he didn't come home. Knowing he wouldn't leave me for anything. Knowing he was supposed to be right home. Knowing just knowing how much we love each other and now I'm stuck. I'm stuck! I'm stuck forever.

This grief rollercoaster is mean and drops the bottom out without warning. I'm dealing with the journey. I keep trying. I just don't know somedays how to make it. I get up exhausted, I work with focus. I achieve because I have other people's need to tend then I return home and hope Hannah and I function through the evening. Now it is time to go to bed and here I am filled with dread. I can fight the meds because but I know that doesn't help. I try meditation and yoga to find peace. I stick to meaningless TV, just ask Hannah how many House Hunters International we have recorded.

I keep trying and maybe someday it will stick or maybe I will get to when it is my time and I don't have to try anymore. I don't get to choose though. I don't know where my expiration date is stamped so I just keep living forward.