Cocoon

Brrr. It is a day like today that makes being alone even harder. Stuck in the house. Hannah is here but well I miss my goofy entertainment. This would be our last weekend of winter break with the girls. But all of the scheduling is easy with just Hannah now. I keep wondering what we would have been doing this weekend. We had plans but they were always flexible. I don't know how to stop being so reflective about the past and missing the future.

I have been so much better about so many things. I just don't like the days where I am so forlorn. I don't know the answer to when it will stop but I know I'm ready to do more. We have a bunch of plans coming up and I keep trying to pack for Alaska but we aren't going there yet. When spring hits again I will have new emotions to deal with but I will also have something to look forward to in the months that follow. It will be great.

I am making new moments in my life sans Scott physically. I am trying to figure out how to move forward. I will know when it is time to take the pictures off the wall and his clothes out of his closet but that just doesn't speak to me yet. I know this is a very personal journey for me and each person has their own timeframe for taking the steps. Just because I sleep with Scott's shirt and know how to keep his smell every present to help me sleep doesn't mean I'm wrong. I am getting there and someday I will understand where I've been. Right now isn't that day. Someday but not today.

Time to wrap up back up in my Princess Aurora blanket followed by my new Buzz blanket. I feel the love of my friends who gave me these big hugs to get me through these cold winter nights snuggled up on my spot on the couch with a movie and my embroidery. When spring arrives I may emerge from my cocoon as a butterfly. There is a book that I gave a friend in college. I must find that little book again. It was a beautiful story about a caterpillar who becomes a butterfly. I know the feeling of the caterpillar at the moment. Someday I hope I can spread my wings and fly again.