Well here we are more days they just keep coming and I just keep living through them. My Mom called today. She was very chatty. We talked about Easter and the anniversary of Scott's passing into the arms of the God. They aren't on the same day this year. I think it will most likely never happen again but the two dates are equal in my mind. I am making it but I really don't want to think about those things.
I know Scott wants his life to be celebrated not forever mourned. We used to have this discussion about the cemetary and how it wasn't where we ever wanted each other to make it a habit of visiting if the other passed first. He's not there and it's certainly not a place he is happy about. What joy is there in someplace that seems so morbid.
"Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation." -Wendell Berry
Yes you see I know that it is okay that I want to be surrounded with others. It is good that I am learning how to smile, laugh and find joy in conversations with others. I want to be surrounded by my friends. It is funny because this thought has often gone through my head, "I realize I am not a bundle of cheer right now. But I needed to get out and be with people." I have managed to do that. Now I'm ready to not just be there as a body in a crowd. I'm ready to not be sad and find the joy in the moments.
I know I will still be allowed to have to moments when I get to be sad. I know that someone is always there to hold my hand. I know that it isn't the same person always. So many people have held me through my new life while I learn to hold myself upright again. I refuse to allow loneliness to be the way the rest of my life ends. I want to find happiness and joy on this plane. Scott wants nothing less for me. I will find a way to possibly understand April 4 and Easter but I have learned in all of this I don't have to do it right now. I am at peace for the moment and I hope many moments to come!
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