So what does being responsible get me. A beautiful daughter and a lonely life. So what do I do when I wanna be a bit bad? I can't throw things and slam doors. I can't go get drunk since I don't drink. I'm not a bar scene girl and well whatever that gets you isn't anything I want. So I do what I do best - be Mom and work. I love both of them. I think you get the idea though.
I guess I feel a bit pathetic again. Yup these darn bipolar emotions are nuts. Ugg! Is there a time in life that will be comfortable again in my own skin consistently? I'm trying. Today, one of the ladies at work told me she sees a twinkle of life back into my eyes. She said that the process of seeing colors again after the loss of someone in your life takes time. Yes I see colors. I don't see all the colors all the time but there are moments when the rainbow is complete.
Someone needs to give me a smile again. I need a fix. I need a rainbow moment where it's okay to be myself. I really feel like I'm in here and I like it when I can be fun. I like knowing that somewhere along the way I get to be happy again. I don't know who, what, when or where but why I do know! I know why because I am a nice person with love to still give. I know I have to settle for turtle speed for the rest of the answers to this screenplay of my life. Apparently I have the makings of my own Hallmark movie. Can someone supply the happy ending? I'm too tired tonight to think someone really would decide that I'm worth the effort. Yup I'm a mess but sleep may help - I hope!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Superbowl Bunk!
Superbowl Sunday. Another day that I woke up saying we should have been doing this and we did this last year! Can someone just get me through this first freaking year! Enough kicks in the hiney and slaps in the face. I get it! I have to live my life differently. I have to live forward. I know my heart still works because I know I'm not dead. I tried but you can't cry yourself there!
I've not cried today. It is more of the anger kind of day. I told Hannah the only reason I would watch is because the show is on FOX and that equals my favorite player/announcer! Yes I have always had a crush on Troy Aikman. Which is funny because I could care less about someones famous life! Scott thought it was funny and always teased me.
Last year Superbowl Sunday ended in lots of fun. I'm pretty sure that isn't happening. I've done a really good job avoiding it today except the halftime show. It was funny watching the girls yell at the TV. We did better then that and we stood right there! It is funny the little stuff in your life that brings enjoyment. I'm trying not to be angry today. It seems a bit foreign because I don't generally feel that emotion. I know Scott had wanted to be at this game. That was the plan. We were supposed to be in that stadium. A bucket list item = attend a Superbowl game. I guess it can stay on the list. I'd like to go someday but for now it is okay that I'm avoiding the game.
I learned a long time ago - if it is important enough someone will share! The score is being shared. I will know who wins but to me it doesn't really matter. This is the first year ever that I haven't rooted for one of the teams playing. So today I root for my Chiefs. Shh! I know they aren't playing but I can pretend! It's more fun then being angry over a death and a football game! I have to journey through these emotions it is just funny how they arrive in strange packages!
I've not cried today. It is more of the anger kind of day. I told Hannah the only reason I would watch is because the show is on FOX and that equals my favorite player/announcer! Yes I have always had a crush on Troy Aikman. Which is funny because I could care less about someones famous life! Scott thought it was funny and always teased me.
Last year Superbowl Sunday ended in lots of fun. I'm pretty sure that isn't happening. I've done a really good job avoiding it today except the halftime show. It was funny watching the girls yell at the TV. We did better then that and we stood right there! It is funny the little stuff in your life that brings enjoyment. I'm trying not to be angry today. It seems a bit foreign because I don't generally feel that emotion. I know Scott had wanted to be at this game. That was the plan. We were supposed to be in that stadium. A bucket list item = attend a Superbowl game. I guess it can stay on the list. I'd like to go someday but for now it is okay that I'm avoiding the game.
I learned a long time ago - if it is important enough someone will share! The score is being shared. I will know who wins but to me it doesn't really matter. This is the first year ever that I haven't rooted for one of the teams playing. So today I root for my Chiefs. Shh! I know they aren't playing but I can pretend! It's more fun then being angry over a death and a football game! I have to journey through these emotions it is just funny how they arrive in strange packages!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Home Depot
What a day. Not busy but we had family time. My Mom came over and spent the day with Hannah and I. I can tell you really didn't do much but I loved being with Mom and Hannah. They are so much alike. They enjoy hanging out and I just kind of sit and watch them. I did some things for Mom on her new computer and set up her Skype account for her so she can talk to my niece. It was so funny watching Hannah and Mom talking to each other across the room and then from across the house but we got it working.
Mom was looking for something at Home Depot so today I made my first trip into that store in a year! The day Scott died he went to HD to pick up fire ant killer and yard stuff for the weeds. All of those bags are sitting in my garage exactly where he left them. It's not like I don't need to go to that store. I really do have things I need. Today I wandered around by myself and struggled to keep a panic attack under control. We spent many hours there. Great memories! How many times have you been kissed picking out fence boards! I made it. I survived! It is going to be okay that memories happen and I continue to conquer my demons.
"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement." -definition of courage
I'm okay with knowing I have courage to live through this battle. Ten months ago tomorrow I lost a love and a life that was made of dreams. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid but I have the courage to journey into the unknown. Does that mean I get to be happy? Does it mean I get to have a life? Does it mean I can someday go to the grocery store alone? Does this mean I can do things around the house to fix things and go to Home Depot alone? Yup I still have to have courage, the little things still hit me, even on a good day.
Mom was looking for something at Home Depot so today I made my first trip into that store in a year! The day Scott died he went to HD to pick up fire ant killer and yard stuff for the weeds. All of those bags are sitting in my garage exactly where he left them. It's not like I don't need to go to that store. I really do have things I need. Today I wandered around by myself and struggled to keep a panic attack under control. We spent many hours there. Great memories! How many times have you been kissed picking out fence boards! I made it. I survived! It is going to be okay that memories happen and I continue to conquer my demons.
"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement." -definition of courage
I'm okay with knowing I have courage to live through this battle. Ten months ago tomorrow I lost a love and a life that was made of dreams. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid but I have the courage to journey into the unknown. Does that mean I get to be happy? Does it mean I get to have a life? Does it mean I can someday go to the grocery store alone? Does this mean I can do things around the house to fix things and go to Home Depot alone? Yup I still have to have courage, the little things still hit me, even on a good day.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Sight of a Future
I'm not a very patient person sometimes. When I want something I want it to be done and moving forward. Hannah tells me it drives her nuts. My psychologist just tells me I make decisions, stick to them and that's not a bad thing. I do change my mind but sometimes it is as if I have a little insight that I can't explain. It was a beautiful day today. My body cooperated with the snow and cold weather. Darn MS it is rarely predictable and temperature extremes just make my arms and legs do their own thing. Today was good. I hate mornings but I was up and dressed and going very early. I was a smart cookie and waited for the roads and sun to be a bit better before driving to work.
I love the peace of the quiet after a snow before everyone is up and around. I just don't like to be wet and cold! I can only say I felt arms again. It isn't always and sometimes just out of the blue. But those arms will always be welcome. I can only say that the powers of beyond are comforting. The comfort of the love we share keeps helping me live forward. I was treating a patient this morning. He was very focused on his life and marriages. He kept asking me about mine. I told him of my loss but he kept saying it is okay to find happiness again, your life isn't over. I don't know what that will mean but when he said it with his wise twinkle in his eyes I knew he was correct.
I made it home with the great need of a nap. In my dreams was a visit. He seems to be there when I need him but I don't spend my day obsessing. In one of my many readings I found a passage that spoke of learning to live your life with the presence of your lost loved one. It is a new form of the relationship but I don't feel as if it effects my earthly interactions. Everything each of us has ever gone through shapes our lives. From death to muddled relationships each of us have our own stories to share and forgivenesses to make. We each must journey to live forward. Today, Scott held my hand and showed me a place that my journey holds. I must be patient. It will take time but yes I will live forward to continued happiness. I know I'm alive and he is gone. I'm not in forever morning. I am patiently making it out of this. I like smiling. I like laughing. I like knowing I am alive and have much to find in my journey. It isn't over.
I love the peace of the quiet after a snow before everyone is up and around. I just don't like to be wet and cold! I can only say I felt arms again. It isn't always and sometimes just out of the blue. But those arms will always be welcome. I can only say that the powers of beyond are comforting. The comfort of the love we share keeps helping me live forward. I was treating a patient this morning. He was very focused on his life and marriages. He kept asking me about mine. I told him of my loss but he kept saying it is okay to find happiness again, your life isn't over. I don't know what that will mean but when he said it with his wise twinkle in his eyes I knew he was correct.
I made it home with the great need of a nap. In my dreams was a visit. He seems to be there when I need him but I don't spend my day obsessing. In one of my many readings I found a passage that spoke of learning to live your life with the presence of your lost loved one. It is a new form of the relationship but I don't feel as if it effects my earthly interactions. Everything each of us has ever gone through shapes our lives. From death to muddled relationships each of us have our own stories to share and forgivenesses to make. We each must journey to live forward. Today, Scott held my hand and showed me a place that my journey holds. I must be patient. It will take time but yes I will live forward to continued happiness. I know I'm alive and he is gone. I'm not in forever morning. I am patiently making it out of this. I like smiling. I like laughing. I like knowing I am alive and have much to find in my journey. It isn't over.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
1-800-Flowers!
"On this day, God wants you to know
... that well done is always better than well said. Actions are deeper than words, and intentions deeper than actions. Keep on focusing on the deepest level of your being, that's the one that God is listening to..."
Yes once again there are things in this life it is better to just move on and not be obsessed about. It is time to finish the last of Scott's estate stuff. You really can't get out of taxes even if you die. You just don't have to be the one to do them. Did you know that? I didn't but somehow I think I should have looked into a second career as an estate attorney. I know all kinds of seemingly useless Texas Estate Law now. It seems ironic that the taxes were the last thing I had done for Scott the night before he died. I'm sitting here right where we sat as I sent the email to the IRS and his little smile on his face telling me that money was for our honeymoon. Little did he know it would be paying for his funeral.
So today I borrowed a friend's "Message from God" from her facebook page. It is funny because we always talked about intentions and actions. We love each other. I not forgetting that ever. A friend who didn't know Scott but has been a shoulder on a few occasions in this process said to me yesterday that you two had a short but intense relationship. We did. I don't think I want to repeat that. I want to know that I can be with another person for a long time without that being ripped from us. There are no guarantee's though but I know I'm not going to say no to the possibility that love is still out there. I'm not going to be the lonely old cat woman. I love my kitties but I think I will outlive them. I'm not ready to go to that thought though so let's push aside my poor blind baby leaving me anytime soon.
It was really funny because last night when I came home my XM radio wasn't working until I pulled into the garage and suddenly the only station I had was the LOVE station. I rarely listen to that channel anymore because it always makes me cry. It was funny because this morning once again the only channel I got was LOVE! I just started laughing because Richard Marx was on. The song was him. Music is so powerful. I just wish I was better at remembering artists and song titles. I'm not sure why I needed those messages today but I just accepted them.
I'm so ready to try something new. I'm tired of sitting on the couch. I'm tired of being my own company. Hannah is here but really date night was always a blast and I don't think she wants to hold my hand across the table and make plans. I really know she doesn't even want to sit next to me in the movies. So for now I will take my "date nights" with my girlfriends. I have the bestest friends in the world. A little gossip and lots of laughs is always fun. So should I send myself flowers after a great weekend alone? I'm making myself laugh but I think I'm only smiling at my jokes to make myself feel better. I actually do feel better but days are still hard.
... that well done is always better than well said. Actions are deeper than words, and intentions deeper than actions. Keep on focusing on the deepest level of your being, that's the one that God is listening to..."
Yes once again there are things in this life it is better to just move on and not be obsessed about. It is time to finish the last of Scott's estate stuff. You really can't get out of taxes even if you die. You just don't have to be the one to do them. Did you know that? I didn't but somehow I think I should have looked into a second career as an estate attorney. I know all kinds of seemingly useless Texas Estate Law now. It seems ironic that the taxes were the last thing I had done for Scott the night before he died. I'm sitting here right where we sat as I sent the email to the IRS and his little smile on his face telling me that money was for our honeymoon. Little did he know it would be paying for his funeral.
So today I borrowed a friend's "Message from God" from her facebook page. It is funny because we always talked about intentions and actions. We love each other. I not forgetting that ever. A friend who didn't know Scott but has been a shoulder on a few occasions in this process said to me yesterday that you two had a short but intense relationship. We did. I don't think I want to repeat that. I want to know that I can be with another person for a long time without that being ripped from us. There are no guarantee's though but I know I'm not going to say no to the possibility that love is still out there. I'm not going to be the lonely old cat woman. I love my kitties but I think I will outlive them. I'm not ready to go to that thought though so let's push aside my poor blind baby leaving me anytime soon.
It was really funny because last night when I came home my XM radio wasn't working until I pulled into the garage and suddenly the only station I had was the LOVE station. I rarely listen to that channel anymore because it always makes me cry. It was funny because this morning once again the only channel I got was LOVE! I just started laughing because Richard Marx was on. The song was him. Music is so powerful. I just wish I was better at remembering artists and song titles. I'm not sure why I needed those messages today but I just accepted them.
I'm so ready to try something new. I'm tired of sitting on the couch. I'm tired of being my own company. Hannah is here but really date night was always a blast and I don't think she wants to hold my hand across the table and make plans. I really know she doesn't even want to sit next to me in the movies. So for now I will take my "date nights" with my girlfriends. I have the bestest friends in the world. A little gossip and lots of laughs is always fun. So should I send myself flowers after a great weekend alone? I'm making myself laugh but I think I'm only smiling at my jokes to make myself feel better. I actually do feel better but days are still hard.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Accepting a Smile
Random Waving! Shh I'm watching iCarly. I know I promised but actually it was just on when I finished the show I DVR'd. Scott and Hannah used to go all kinds of places and do random waving versus random dancing. My face would turn all shades of pink. I am so easily blushable. I miss the family time. All we ever wanted was our family. I have Hannah and the rest of my amazing family so I will hang on but really who else will ever get a kick out of surprising me or making me blush ten shades of red?
I got a great cheering up today at my favorite burger place. Nothing solves the doldrums like food and friendship. I got my usual hug and a complement about the hair. It is fun to find my smile and I have little baby steps to the future. I am living forward and I will find my own wings. I don't like hearing I am strong but I am good with hearing I have courage.
After lunch today Mike called to tell me church Wednesday stuff was cancelled for Hannah tonight. Something was said about voices in the head. My immediate answer was, "No I'm the one with Scott's voice in my head all the time." He just laughed. Nope things happen and people end up in your life for reason we don't get. It is okay to just smile and go with it. So I keep trying to live forward. My other choice is apparently not an option and crying really does ruin the makeup job and makes me all bulgy eyed. I can laugh at myself so hey that is progress. I am living forward. I found answers to several of my questions today but there are more. I just have to believe in being the turtle. "It's okay. I love you!" will always float into my head at all the right moments. He stands beside me guiding me with light and love. I found my smile today. I will understand why someday but today I'm okay with just accepting the smile.
I got a great cheering up today at my favorite burger place. Nothing solves the doldrums like food and friendship. I got my usual hug and a complement about the hair. It is fun to find my smile and I have little baby steps to the future. I am living forward and I will find my own wings. I don't like hearing I am strong but I am good with hearing I have courage.
After lunch today Mike called to tell me church Wednesday stuff was cancelled for Hannah tonight. Something was said about voices in the head. My immediate answer was, "No I'm the one with Scott's voice in my head all the time." He just laughed. Nope things happen and people end up in your life for reason we don't get. It is okay to just smile and go with it. So I keep trying to live forward. My other choice is apparently not an option and crying really does ruin the makeup job and makes me all bulgy eyed. I can laugh at myself so hey that is progress. I am living forward. I found answers to several of my questions today but there are more. I just have to believe in being the turtle. "It's okay. I love you!" will always float into my head at all the right moments. He stands beside me guiding me with light and love. I found my smile today. I will understand why someday but today I'm okay with just accepting the smile.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Daddy Love
Well it's cold windy and yucky. Fits my mood. I seemed to have slipped from my happiness and I'm struggling to those happy moments again. I was doing so well. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I haven't done that in sometime but it's okay this too shall pass right. It's just realizing that people take for granted what is right in front of them is heartbreaking. The stuff in your life doesn't matter but really when the crap happens you need to forgive and love. I didn't say you have to like but well forgiveness is within your power.
Today the most important man in my life would have been 71! My life has always been hard. There are so many things I would wish for, Scott and Dad are the two that I can't have. It is really funny because they were so much alike yet they didn't meet until Heaven. I would like to have seen that meeting. When Scott talked I could hear my dad handing me love.
Today my sadness continues and I will fight how to deal with the sadness. I will help someone realize that life is precious and forgiveness is the only way to live life to the fullest. Love matters; being loved and giving love are a must for my life. I have been reminded of that love numerous times today. Yes music is magic and friends are unstoppable. Scott always knows when to send the right song even sitting in the orthodontist's office and I was reminded today that I matter to more people then just Hannah.
Where's the "I will survive" song right now? If you love someone never leave them behind! Daddy and Scott are always in their spaces in my heart. I think I will make it but it is okay to have down days. I know my Daddy would have given the world to have lived further into his life. He didn't choose to leave my brother and I behind. We were his world but not the only part of his world. That I understand but he taught us to love. I found love that I don't ever want replaced but I do believe when and if I'm ever ready I will find the courage to live that life again. Not yet but I can do with all the friends I have in my life and I always have room for one more!
Today the most important man in my life would have been 71! My life has always been hard. There are so many things I would wish for, Scott and Dad are the two that I can't have. It is really funny because they were so much alike yet they didn't meet until Heaven. I would like to have seen that meeting. When Scott talked I could hear my dad handing me love.
Today my sadness continues and I will fight how to deal with the sadness. I will help someone realize that life is precious and forgiveness is the only way to live life to the fullest. Love matters; being loved and giving love are a must for my life. I have been reminded of that love numerous times today. Yes music is magic and friends are unstoppable. Scott always knows when to send the right song even sitting in the orthodontist's office and I was reminded today that I matter to more people then just Hannah.
Where's the "I will survive" song right now? If you love someone never leave them behind! Daddy and Scott are always in their spaces in my heart. I think I will make it but it is okay to have down days. I know my Daddy would have given the world to have lived further into his life. He didn't choose to leave my brother and I behind. We were his world but not the only part of his world. That I understand but he taught us to love. I found love that I don't ever want replaced but I do believe when and if I'm ever ready I will find the courage to live that life again. Not yet but I can do with all the friends I have in my life and I always have room for one more!
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