Home Depot

What a day. Not busy but we had family time. My Mom came over and spent the day with Hannah and I. I can tell you really didn't do much but I loved being with Mom and Hannah. They are so much alike. They enjoy hanging out and I just kind of sit and watch them. I did some things for Mom on her new computer and set up her Skype account for her so she can talk to my niece. It was so funny watching Hannah and Mom talking to each other across the room and then from across the house but we got it working.

Mom was looking for something at Home Depot so today I made my first trip into that store in a year! The day Scott died he went to HD to pick up fire ant killer and yard stuff for the weeds. All of those bags are sitting in my garage exactly where he left them. It's not like I don't need to go to that store. I really do have things I need. Today I wandered around by myself and struggled to keep a panic attack under control. We spent many hours there. Great memories! How many times have you been kissed picking out fence boards! I made it. I survived! It is going to be okay that memories happen and I continue to conquer my demons.

"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement." -definition of courage

I'm okay with knowing I have courage to live through this battle. Ten months ago tomorrow I lost a love and a life that was made of dreams. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid but I have the courage to journey into the unknown. Does that mean I get to be happy? Does it mean I get to have a life? Does it mean I can someday go to the grocery store alone? Does this mean I can do things around the house to fix things and go to Home Depot alone? Yup I still have to have courage, the little things still hit me, even on a good day.