GROCERY STORE!!!!

I did it! I did it! All on my own! I went to the Grocery Store. Not just the little junky one down the street but I went to the HEB! Granted it wasn't the one that was where we spent our final date night but I went to the big store and didn't have a panic attack. I hope you all know what a huge step this was for me tonight. I'm jumping up and down for joy mentally. I still have things to address for my personal goals but I think this has been the biggest hurdle I have yet to cross.

I want to survive. I want to feel alive. I want to live forward - most days! Today I actually did more then just survive. Yesterday was a horrible rough road and today I made a step. I will make it forward. I just got off the phone with my wonderful, dear, darling, friend Lisa. Our lives are crazy and we don't always connect but we have the most amazing friendship. We can talk for hours in circles, understand entire threads of multiple conversations and end the conversation right back where we began hours before. I just got done explaining to her that I love Hannah, I love all my girlfriends but I miss guy conversations. Conversations are different levels among all of those but all very important. I miss spending hours talking about sports, movies and other things. I can't believe I miss my off season football lectures or my how to instructions (even though I'm better at fixing things then he was)! Scott taught me how to be okay in my own skin. He was so easy going and comfortable with who he was. He didn't care who you were he'd talk to anyone. It is so funny after all this time to have so many woman whom he would charm tell me what a great man he was.

I know that from the bottom of my heart and he taught me how to put people at ease and live. I miss my flirt. I miss being held in his arms and knowing he was there for me even in an argument. I miss that kind of attention. I try to block it and not think about it but I'm learning it is okay to try to understand those things that are missing. I will never move on. Scott has a part of me with him but I am learning to live forward. I am learning to express joy and laughter from crazy parts of me. I know he is dancing with me in the kitchen to the songs that play on the tv. I know he has to be standing there laughing when I tried to fall in the pool and this morning I felt like he was making sure my car was staying in the garage.

I continue to learn about myself through this journey and today I discovered I can do something that is still hard but on my own terms. I am the guide to my soul. So today I again pray for God and Scott to surround me with their light and love, to guide me, to protect me and show me the way. Things continue to happen for me when the time is right. Scott only wants happiness for me and he won't break that promise. He will find a way for me to be happy again. I have not a single doubt of that in my heart. So if you find me smiling and dancing, please join the party it sure makes the heart soar to new heights!