I am a Survivor

I spent the day home alone listening to the shrill of the wind whip around outside and my thoughts rolling through my head. It wasn't a sad day of contemplation but a day of reflection on the past months. I'm still finding my way in this new image of my life and knowing that I'm not the only person in the world struggling with new challenges or paths to take. Each of us have parts of our lives that we choose to change or have change thrust upon us. It is how we handle those moments that define our souls.

I have a belief in God but I struggle with the religious aspects in my daily life. It is a very closely held path I choose to take on my own spiritual enlightenment. I don't find it necessary to attempt to sway others to whatever path I have chosen because I think I have a very eclectic view of many outlooks. This morning I drove Hannah to school because the bus didn't come through our neighborhood but yet we still had school! It took me 45 minutes to get back to the house in what should have been a five minute trip. During that time I did as I'm sure we all do - PRAY!

As I made the turnoff to our home I seriously considered driving the path Scott took on his last drive. I wanted to stand out there and feel the spirit of God in that pasture! I avoid that road at all costs but this morning was as if I had a need. I decided to exercise my own free will and choose not to take that path. Why did I need to send myself into despair? I came home and pondered my life and what is possibily in store but I have no answers as usual. I know that I made it today and that is what matters. I know I can smile, dream, wish, hope and imagine a future. That future will be awesome because I have chosen to learn the lessons handed to me for my soul.

I want to know happiness again someday. I want to know that I am loved in that very special way. I know I'm very fortunate to have such a vast amount of love in my life but to have that person that you support no matter what and that holds you up through any storm is worth it. It's not about diamonds on my hand or I do. I walked that path with Scott because it was what he wanted. I knew we were happy without all the three ring circus. Marriage is a bond that doesn't happen because of two signatures on a piece of paper. It happens because the smile that you receive that belongs to you alone shares the love that has no rules. It is the hand that is held in a crisis of life. It is in the person who follows you around picking until you spill the beans about what is bothering you because they want to make it better even if they can't. It is the person who doesn't mind seeing you in your sweats and no makeup but can make you feel priceless when approves of the fancy dress. It happens in the moments of looking at your children doing something wrong and trying not to laugh. It happens when that person can make you blush and you don't mind but you pretend you do. Those are the moments I want to experience. I don't want to replace Scott that is never an option. Whomever joins me in my life will just know that our pasts are what made us right for each other.

I have more life to share and the past events of my life have changed my view on things I could not have appreciated 20 years ago. I'm not perfect but I know I can give my love warts and all! Just don't make me get out my broom. I am a survivor. I am not alone in life's challenges but together we can support each other through it all! I don't need to go stand in that pasture and look at that damn pond, it has no meaning to the love that matters. It isn't the place Scott hangs out now and he really does push me forward to keep living. Today my place is here. Someday my place will be different but I will remain positive that Love is all that matters in life, however it is given!