Fast Lane

I have these restless moods and there is nothing I can do to relieve them. Today I have all this excess energy and no place to put it. I cleared what for another would be two weeks worth of work off my desk in eight hours today because of this energy. I drove home the long way with the sunroof open (it was 60 degrees)and rotated through my restless mood music, Collective Soul, CCR, Aerosmith, Gavin DeGraw. I have a playlist just for these times. I drove for an hour. I think I should have gone further but Hannah would have started to worry. She is the only reason I just didn't get on the highway and head toward San Antonio. I always wonder what it would be like to disappear for a bit but I can't give anyone else the feelings I had for those 36 hours looking for Scott.

I had a conversation yesterday with Rhonda and another friend about the things they did as teenagers. I wasn't one of those teens. I don't know how to be anything but myself. Today I wanted to be the wild child but I just don't know how to do that. So here I am stuck with this insane restless feeling. I even went outside and pulled a few weeds. I made a phone call for work and swept the pool at the same time. Needless to say I almost fell into the pool! I'm on multi-tasking overload and I can't stop. I wish I could have gotten into that pool and swam laps until I was exhausted. It's too cold and I'm not willing to have a $700 electric bill.

Another friend sent me a text asking if I was covering for my cheerleaders of if I was really doing so much better. I have to say I'm honestly doing both. I'm trying so hard I'm wearing myself out but then I do have a genuine smile and laughter. I'm my own worst enemy and if I could find a solution to that problem I could sell it a never have to worry about money again. My friend told me she was proud of how well I can explain my emotions and grasp what is happening in my heart and head. She wished she could take that approach to her life.

I need a rollercoaster because that is the only thing that currently is available to fulfill this need for adrenaline. It has been the only place that I truly feel free and alive. The only place where I feel like Scott is taking me to the places only he has ever been able to go with me. So really why does Disney World have to be so far away because I need a RocknRoller coaster, Space Mountain, Expedition Everest triathlon! It's just going to have to be ziplining across a rainforest in Alaska! But I really need to come up with something else before then before I lose my hearing from playing the music so loudly in the car! Football where are you when I need you? I must get out some of this energy soon!