All Gone

I'm not really ready for the future. I got a bit of it today and I don't like it. Alone and sad. Hannah went out on her first date (chaperoned in a group) and I don't like it at all. I don't get a say in this either. She is growing up and I let her have a bit of wings. I just am going to have to learn to not be so sad. It's not hard I want my world back and I don't get that. I am trying but why isn't there an easier way to get through all of this? I like interacting with people but then I like quiet times. I just can't seem to find a point in my life that is a good mix.

Today I am not in a good place. Lots of things run through my mind but I can't do any of them. I can't ever let anyone feel the pain I feel. I will do anything to ever have anyone feel this over me. I'm stuck again and maybe I will climb out but not right now. I'm shedding tears and I can't stop them. It's another day and today and tomorrow should have been fun and romantic. I found under Scott's beside table Valentine's candy from three years ago! He loved candy but for whatever reason put it up and didn't eat it. Then in his stash of gifts is the empty candy box with Buzz Lightyear on the cover and his Valentine Beanie Baby that shared his birthday.

Loneliness is just a pain in my caboose. That is the one feeling I'm not sure how to conquer. Music makes me know once again Scott is here with me. I will make it but tonight I am stuck in the hole and don't really want to climb out. Let me stay there don't make me have to keep surviving. I not in the mood to have courage and survive. There needs to be a song that says here come the tears again because really where do they all come from. I shouldn't have anymore of them available. I'm ready to disappear from the map. I need to avoid the world. I'm really happy for everyone that has someone to love but in the same breath I just want to throw rocks at the tv with all the flowers, hearts and chocolate. I was happy just leave me be that doesn't exist for me anymore not that way! Stop the commercials and find a way to bring me to love!