Don't try this at home.

The cookie pick up was great! I was a bit overwhelmed just because I had to make the choice of what cookies to pick. I make decisions on a dime, know they are correct and move on to the next project in a second. I know I'm good at what I do but really picking out cookies made me just a bit flustered. Although, I was more focused on the fact I went in to that bright airy beautiful space and smiled looking at the chocolate pecan pies and Scott's favorite cookies. Maybe the next time I can buy his favorite cookies!

I was doing great. The day was beautiful and wow, my hair didn't get bigger today. My hair is my barometer of stress. I may be calm and cool on the outside but if I've had a crazy day I run my fingers through my hair and it just get larger, fluffier and/or frizzier by the end of the day. Not today! I still had cute hair day, curls but still cute. I am my worst critic when it comes to my appearance. It's funny because Hannah and I were playing with my hair the other night and she straightened it for me. She does a much better job then I do. After she was finished I asked if I was cute and a hot momma. She laughed and told me "Yuck! I'm not thinking of you like that!" Where's a flirty guy in my life when you need one!

This afternoon I was so proud of myself for making it and having the courage to achieve another step forward. I decided maybe I could conquer our grocery store. I needed gas and we were out of a few things, milk, bread, bottled water, food! It is Hannah's night with Mike so I pulled into the parking lot. My heart started racing when I found an immediate spot close to the door. I sat there trying to breathe. I made myself get out of the car and walk in! I was trying to stay focused on getting in and getting out. They had rearranged some of the produce section so that just threw me out of whack! I stood in front of the strawberries just staring. What was I doing? My mental list was gone out of my head and I was done! I walked around the store, put some things in my cart and made it out of the store before a full fledged panic attack hit!

It wasn't a complete negative! I did it on my own. Granted I don't know what I bought but I did put things in the freezer. I didn't buy what I needed. No water or milk! Hannah unloaded the groceries when I got home and I must have had a wild eyed look. The panic was just going crazy. I finally took matters in my own hands and reached for the Xanax. I've been so good at controlling me and achieving on my own timelines that I haven't need to medicate myself. I was out in sleep land almost right away. I didn't hear Hannah go with Mike and they were gone for a bit! I didn't hear her come home. I must have needed to block out that trip to the store.

Today was overall a success. I know I won't be repeating the trip to OUR grocery store anytime soon. I have to look for the positive notes! I bought cookies! I made it through the day and I made the panic attack go away. I'm calm and ready to tackle myself again. My thought though is like the programs on tv that say "Don't try this at home!" I'm an expert at this and I don't recommend making too many difficult steps forward in one day. It's a good thing I was able to pick up Simba's ashes yesterday! Breathe in! Breathe out! Take the moments of joy and surprise today and make those my first thoughts, not the bad times. Take the moments that gave me a smile. I managed to feed myself dinner tonight! I came home with Sushi. That WASN'T on any list I had!!!