Healing of a Phoenix

I think I need to visit Dumbledore's office. Yes on Harry Potter. I need to see Fawkes the Phoenix. He has Magical powers. His tears have healing powers and can carry heavy loads. When he dies he burns to ash and starts growing all over again. I need the powers of healing. It makes for a really rough day when sleep just is really nonexistent. I had the craziest dreams last night in the bits of sleep I got The only one I remember is flying Hannah and Holly in a small plane. There was also something about the Space Shuttle.

I would love for Scott to be a Phoenix but right now I feel like I am the Magical bird. I lost my life over those days ELEVEN months ago. Now I am rising from the ashes as a new person. I don't know who I am or what I want to be but somehow I'm beginning a new life. I can't say this enough! I will never just get over Scott. He is a part of my life forever. I am learning to live forward into this reincarnation of myself.

What am I and what do I want? I'm learning more everyday about this question. I have found so many answers but somehow that just always leads to more questions. There are things I know I am ready to attempt but I know how scared I am of trying things I never thought I would have to do again. I need the Phoenix to carry my heavy load. I wish this journey was as easy as delegating tasks at work. It isn't though I have to bear the burden of my own life. I do know that I have friends supporting me, holding me up and guiding me along the way.

I keep saying I don't understand God's plan for me. Yet among all of this, in the blink of an eye, I heard a descriptive word of me - Healer. The one word was very powerful. I guess that does make me a Phoenix in a way. Maybe my tears can heal another. I think I will continue to ponder the description and the power that holds. I spend so much time in my own head. My counselor always tells me I get it all worked out, then tell her and I always have the right answer. I know the right answer to several things I didn't have two weeks ago. I will continue to rise from this loss of life, praying and hoping along the way I will make a difference in another's life.