More Loss

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying to figure out how to make it through another loss. Simba disappeared the weekend before Scott died and he searched and searched for her. He held me in his arms as I cried in despair and grief. She reappeared two days later and we never knew where she was. The next week Scott disappeared and I was there when we found him. He knew I needed to be there when we found him. Over the last almost 11 months Simba has been right here with me. When I cry she sits on me and purrs. She gives me unconditional love. She has struggled to stay here for me.

Simba has been the Christmas gift that has kept on giving. She has been here through so many things. The night I went into labor with Hannah she followed me around the house making sure I was okay. When my mother in law lived with us she conned her way into fresh cold water from the fridge and gave her company and love in return. When Hannah was little she calmly let herself be dressed in all the bear clothes. There are so many stories of her in our life. We have so many pictures of her in the baby car seat, sleeping in the bathtub, napping in the sun that she has her very own scrapbook.

Mike and I sat on the couch tonight remembering all the fun stories and even the sad ones. We have taken turns holding her and crying. She is a huge part of our family. When we divorced she was the only part that we argued over. Who got custody of the cat! Really that is how it has always been. Mike comes to visit and she jumps right on him and they have a conversation. He always asks her if she wants to come live with him.

I don't know how to deal with more loss other then face it. I have become an expert in a life of grief. I just want to be in life that has some calm and not full of loss. I hate being sad and now I can't even end up the crazy old cat lady because my cat is going to hang out with Scott and Grams in Heaven. I am cycling through all of the emotions just sitting here. Yes there could be hope but she can't walk, she's not eating or drinking and she can't see anymore. There is only one right thing to do for her because we know we can't make her suffer. Except I really want someone to do that for me right now too. I have been doing so much better. Learning to laugh and love life again. I want to be so selfish but I can't do that either for some reason my true self is loving, kind and caring.

So please bear with me as I continue through this journey with an unplanned setback. You'd think I could write a book but all I can do is share my heart with my words and hope I make a difference in somebody's life now and for years to come. I'd better get back to giving her all my love for now. She needs it to share and pass on. I know with all my heart that our pets go with those who have gone before them. They are the most loving and giving unconditionally. They don't have expectations of us and give so much in return. I will miss that love just as I miss loving Scott everyday.