Sandcastles

"In the midst of winter I discovered that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus


Is it okay to talk of the past. My comparison to the world is what I know. I try not to talk about Scott all the time but sometimes I think of something that hits the conversation. I know but how to I not talk about him. I've decided it's okay. Just as long it's not in every word out of my mouth!

I love the little moments in life that make me know it is fun to keep moving forward. It is fun to smile and laugh! I like feeling like spring. I know that I am moving to a life of sunshine and warm sunny beaches. I miss the thought of building sandcastles and sharing a fruity tropical drink. The only time I've ever been okay with getting all sandy. I know there are more sandcastles waiting for me here on Earth. I loved that birthday. Turning forty should be amazing and special and I'm glad I have it in my heart forever. I know that ultimate sandcastle will be there because it was shown to me by the most amazing man with open arms. It's not my time to be there because I've got more sandcastles to sculpt.

The spring will be here and the end of this year of torture and tragedy of firsts will be over. I know it's not the end of grief. I don't think there is an end just an understanding and coping. I can make it just as I have all of the months before. I remember the times when it was days and then weeks. I remember thinking I will never be to a point that I will be living a life. Now I have been able to count the months. I'm still not past the months. I know every Sunday that hits. I hate Sundays and I know you are thinking that it is silly to hate a day of the week. Most people hate Mondays but well I hate Sundays. They come once a week and I pick myself off the floor and live forward.

I like the reasons I have fun and can smile. Can there be more days like these? I hope so because I feel alive again. I like taking a breath and feeling like I am actually getting air. I like knowing that I can really smile from my heart. Those sandcastles will be built again. How else can it not happen. I want to keep feeling alive. I'm will keep ticking off the Sundays and someday time will have passed and this blog will show me who I was and why I am who I've become.