I think I should have taken more days off! Tomorrow I will survive. I don't want to but I don't have a choice. Right now I'm not going to think about the day. I am going to see if something good happens around the corner. I made new crazy memories with two beautiful teen girls. Makes me feel like Rocky just a different kind of battle!
I have been handling all of the things thrown my way on my journey in my own time and in my own way. I don't know if I want to face anything more right now but I guess I will. Several times I have heard that I get to keep doing what I'm doing for myself on my own timeline.
I just saw a commercial that said, "What would you do if you knew you only had eight minutes to live?" I often wonder about stuff like that. I think more so since Scott died. I know for a fact that when he suffered his last seizure he knew nothing about what was happening. He wouldn't have seen anything or comprehended anything. I was there for him when he had one after being sick and dehydrated that lasted for 15 minutes. I don't understand why he had his last one because we had such a great weekend and all was well in our world. That darn last hour. I know there are somethings that I can't change. This will forever be the hurdle I jump each day. I know he left the house on his own but I get to deal with all that happened after that. I have to say my answer to eight minutes left to live would be to say I love you to all and rejoice in prayer!
I want to be okay for this week with all my happy memories and living forward. I want to make new memories. I want to feel special and loved. I always feel love - it just seems to be with me all the time. It makes me feel like there is nothing in this world that can't be fixed. I know that isn't true but I know in all of my soul that Scott loves me and wants me to be happy. He wants me to remember the yesterdays and live forward into new tomorrows! I can do this. I will continue with one foot in front of the other! Light and Love! Light and Love!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I Need Wings
Adrenaline is my drug of choice. There are so many other things I could have done this year to cope with all of the feelings of grief but I haven't. I have faced them head on! I haven't hidden in alcohol, drugs (other then my panic attack ones), sex, food or whatever else I could use to attempt to mask my grief. Adrenaline has been the one thing that makes me feel like I'm as close to Scott as I can ever get. It is a truly natural high.
Today I got a boost of adrenaline in the form of many rollercoasters! We were talking about the coasters today as we were riding. Holly hasn't ever ridden a big coaster. I was telling her about being 18 and finally riding my first upside down ride. I've always been scared of them but the last six months have made it nearly impossible for me to say no to riding! It is the only way.
Over the last three months I have found that I am smiling without feeling guilt. I can carry on a conversation without thinking of Scott even once - right now that is restricted to one person for any length of time but that is changing. He isn't ever very far away but it is nice to know I can have a few moments of being this new person I have become.
The rollercoaster gives me my high, let's me be wild and free. I am living forward just as Scott expects. I will learn what and where I am supposed to be. If that means I have backsliding moments then I know a rollercoaster will give me a power boost. I think I will be good for a bit! I think I can make it for a few weeks. Although a nice bottle of wine here and there is fun too! I just don't rely on it to fix my life! I will have to continue driving fast though because the rollercoasters just aren't close enough for me! I need some new selections to my music though.
So tonight I'm praying for wings to let me fly. Fly as high as I can be to feel alive! I will keep trying to live forward into my own great unknown because for some reason all those coasters come to a quick braking stop and reality sets in once again. I'm just glad I have a few moments of freedom to fly and feel the healing power of Scott's arms and love surrounding me unconditionally. I have learned in this journey that too many people have conditions on their lives. Go with the flow, have rules but be open to all the possibilities because you never know when God will hand you a new world to embrace! Fly!
Today I got a boost of adrenaline in the form of many rollercoasters! We were talking about the coasters today as we were riding. Holly hasn't ever ridden a big coaster. I was telling her about being 18 and finally riding my first upside down ride. I've always been scared of them but the last six months have made it nearly impossible for me to say no to riding! It is the only way.
Over the last three months I have found that I am smiling without feeling guilt. I can carry on a conversation without thinking of Scott even once - right now that is restricted to one person for any length of time but that is changing. He isn't ever very far away but it is nice to know I can have a few moments of being this new person I have become.
The rollercoaster gives me my high, let's me be wild and free. I am living forward just as Scott expects. I will learn what and where I am supposed to be. If that means I have backsliding moments then I know a rollercoaster will give me a power boost. I think I will be good for a bit! I think I can make it for a few weeks. Although a nice bottle of wine here and there is fun too! I just don't rely on it to fix my life! I will have to continue driving fast though because the rollercoasters just aren't close enough for me! I need some new selections to my music though.
So tonight I'm praying for wings to let me fly. Fly as high as I can be to feel alive! I will keep trying to live forward into my own great unknown because for some reason all those coasters come to a quick braking stop and reality sets in once again. I'm just glad I have a few moments of freedom to fly and feel the healing power of Scott's arms and love surrounding me unconditionally. I have learned in this journey that too many people have conditions on their lives. Go with the flow, have rules but be open to all the possibilities because you never know when God will hand you a new world to embrace! Fly!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
WICKEDly Musical Day
Today was a WICKEDly musical day. I'm sad, happy, depressed and joyful all in one moment. The girls are funny and fun to be with. I enjoy the silly things that happen like waking up with the wind blowing so hard on our top floor balcony windows that is sounded like a ghost and seeing them cuddling sound asleep! They were cold is what I heard. Then at dinner tonight Holly dropped mashed potatoes in Hannah's shoe! The things they say are just a hoot. I wish I had half as much energy as they have.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. San Antonio holds so many memories for all of us. I think next to Disney World it is one of my favorite places to be. I'm not sure I could live here but Scott and I talked about it often. I know there are many places and things to do here that we haven't even touched. It just seems like when we come down here we have specific things to do.
WICKED was beautiful! I can and will watch this over and over! Someday I will make it to Broadway to see it there. It still makes me miss him so very much. He did change my life "For Good." I was able to see the costuming, peer backstage into the wings and look into the pit from our seats. Elphaba and I made eye contact multiple times because I was in the part of the audience she could see from stage. It was nice at the end to be applauding, they pulled the house lights up and she looked at me and said "thank you!" She doesn't know me but my face must have been pure joy!
After the show we were in no hurry to leave so we made our way over to the Alamo. I love being the Human GPS. Poor Hannah kept saying, "Where are we going!!!" Then when we got there she said, "Oh!" My poor kid has zero sense of direction. I'm really afraid to let her drive. As we were leaving downtown we drove past the Grand Hyatt where Scott and I stayed with friends when we all went to Cowboy's Training Camp. It is funny because Scott and I did several sports related things together on the Riverwalk! Crazy but I miss it all. Even last night at dinner when we met friends on the way down. Talk was briefly of baseball and Hannah was clueless but I understood! I miss my human sports encyclopedia! When we passed the Grand I texted one of Scott's friends and told him thank you for including us. It is a great memory. The hardest part for me is that there will never be another with him. I am making new ones though.
Later when it was time for dinner something was said about Mexican food. We ate that last night but I'm always up for that! All my friends know I would eat it seven days a week if I could. I thought is there another guy out there who will understand and take care of me! Feed me chocolate and Mexican food to keep me happy. I know it is more then that but it was a funny thought!! Someday maybe I will have it in me to find out. As the evening wore on. I started to fizzle out, as I'm sure we all do after so much going on. I sat in the restaurant and could feel myself turning inward into my own thoughts. Those are the times when Scott would take my hand, let me be and make sure I was taken care of. I take care of so many things for so many different people. Tonight I just wanted to be held up.
I started to fall apart when we requested extra blankets for the girls and they brought more sheets. The guy said this is all I have I don't have keys to housekeeping! I kept my cool. I was actually quite surprised because I am about to meltdown for over stimulation after that restaurant. They did bring the girls blankets and I went to Wal-mart to buy an iPhone charger. Why do I ALWAYS end up at Wal-mart on vacation? I can't answer that but I know I'm trying to live forward and not shroud myself in the past. I have people who make me smile and laugh. I have people who love me but we all know it isn't the same! That silent communication. To look at someone and just know they can read your thoughts. Someday when I'm ready but that's not today or even tomorrow. I am further then I thought I would ever be and for that I hold my head high and share my biggest smile!
Scott you changed my heart "For Good!" to infinity and beyond! You will find a way to keep holding me up and sending people to take care of me! I have no doubts. I prayer for God's light and love to guide me, protect me and show me the way. Please pray for that for me! I still need all the prayers I can get.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. San Antonio holds so many memories for all of us. I think next to Disney World it is one of my favorite places to be. I'm not sure I could live here but Scott and I talked about it often. I know there are many places and things to do here that we haven't even touched. It just seems like when we come down here we have specific things to do.
WICKED was beautiful! I can and will watch this over and over! Someday I will make it to Broadway to see it there. It still makes me miss him so very much. He did change my life "For Good." I was able to see the costuming, peer backstage into the wings and look into the pit from our seats. Elphaba and I made eye contact multiple times because I was in the part of the audience she could see from stage. It was nice at the end to be applauding, they pulled the house lights up and she looked at me and said "thank you!" She doesn't know me but my face must have been pure joy!
After the show we were in no hurry to leave so we made our way over to the Alamo. I love being the Human GPS. Poor Hannah kept saying, "Where are we going!!!" Then when we got there she said, "Oh!" My poor kid has zero sense of direction. I'm really afraid to let her drive. As we were leaving downtown we drove past the Grand Hyatt where Scott and I stayed with friends when we all went to Cowboy's Training Camp. It is funny because Scott and I did several sports related things together on the Riverwalk! Crazy but I miss it all. Even last night at dinner when we met friends on the way down. Talk was briefly of baseball and Hannah was clueless but I understood! I miss my human sports encyclopedia! When we passed the Grand I texted one of Scott's friends and told him thank you for including us. It is a great memory. The hardest part for me is that there will never be another with him. I am making new ones though.
Later when it was time for dinner something was said about Mexican food. We ate that last night but I'm always up for that! All my friends know I would eat it seven days a week if I could. I thought is there another guy out there who will understand and take care of me! Feed me chocolate and Mexican food to keep me happy. I know it is more then that but it was a funny thought!! Someday maybe I will have it in me to find out. As the evening wore on. I started to fizzle out, as I'm sure we all do after so much going on. I sat in the restaurant and could feel myself turning inward into my own thoughts. Those are the times when Scott would take my hand, let me be and make sure I was taken care of. I take care of so many things for so many different people. Tonight I just wanted to be held up.
I started to fall apart when we requested extra blankets for the girls and they brought more sheets. The guy said this is all I have I don't have keys to housekeeping! I kept my cool. I was actually quite surprised because I am about to meltdown for over stimulation after that restaurant. They did bring the girls blankets and I went to Wal-mart to buy an iPhone charger. Why do I ALWAYS end up at Wal-mart on vacation? I can't answer that but I know I'm trying to live forward and not shroud myself in the past. I have people who make me smile and laugh. I have people who love me but we all know it isn't the same! That silent communication. To look at someone and just know they can read your thoughts. Someday when I'm ready but that's not today or even tomorrow. I am further then I thought I would ever be and for that I hold my head high and share my biggest smile!
Scott you changed my heart "For Good!" to infinity and beyond! You will find a way to keep holding me up and sending people to take care of me! I have no doubts. I prayer for God's light and love to guide me, protect me and show me the way. Please pray for that for me! I still need all the prayers I can get.
Friday, March 4, 2011
On the way!
Wow! Who knew I had it in me!!!! This will be a great weekend for the girls and I. We have a great start to weekend with a fun dinner and some new inside jokes! I love inside jokes it makes life so much more fun. I miss my inside jokes with Scott but it is fun to live forward with a smile. There are people who are meant to be in my life just to make me smile! I know they have other things to do in life but it is great that I get the effect of smiles!
San Antonio is a great place to continue making memories because I have so many from Hannah, Mike, Scott, Laynie, Stacey, Betsy, Lynne, Susan, Mom, Bob and some other peeps. I now can add Holly to the mix. We have some great plans for this weekend and I'm ready to make it forward into new memories.
I'm headed to bed tonight! I'm way too tired to let my fingers do the talking and way to much going on in my head! Fun stuff tonight! That's a good thing! Tomorrow it is time to be WICKED again!
San Antonio is a great place to continue making memories because I have so many from Hannah, Mike, Scott, Laynie, Stacey, Betsy, Lynne, Susan, Mom, Bob and some other peeps. I now can add Holly to the mix. We have some great plans for this weekend and I'm ready to make it forward into new memories.
I'm headed to bed tonight! I'm way too tired to let my fingers do the talking and way to much going on in my head! Fun stuff tonight! That's a good thing! Tomorrow it is time to be WICKED again!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Is Change Good?
You know what I discovered this afternoon! 1- I can take care of things all by myself when something breaks because I don't have to consult anyone! 2- Maybe sometime soon there will be a time when I can clean out and pack away the stuff in Scott's closet. If for not other reason then we are running out of hangers and I don't want to clean out my own closet.
I think I need some help with closet control! The worst spot in the house is still my craft room because it is still filled with things for the wedding. I don't have a need for any of the stuff. Why do I need 12 black iron lanterns and a mass of plastic plates, cups, silverware? I'm really not planning on getting married. I know I said that with Scott. I didn't say I wasn't ever doing that just that I'm not planning on it. If I say never we all know what happens so less chance if I'm not planning on it!
My wedding dress is still in there but that's okay the door to the room stays closed. I can't craft though and I really need to make some projects. It is just one of those things that I will get to when I can do it without a panic attack. Or someone can guide me through it who isn't fazed by my emotional attachments! I'm not sure that person exists so unless someone comes forward I will just keep the doors to the closet closed.
Today I achieved having the broken garage door repaired! I have asked for help to spread mulch and weed/feed the yard next weekend. That is more because it will go faster then if Hannah and I do it ourselves. The point in that statement is the weed/feed and fire ant killer! It will be used! I don't think I need to be attached to them just because they are the very last things Scott bought when he was alive! He will be very upset with me if I became a hoarder. I refuse to live like that so I am trying to step forward.
I am learning to make new memories and that is what is most important in life. Scott and I used to have this game to move into our new life together where we made our own memories. It didn't mean a change or forgetting out past but finding a new meaning to different places. My memories with Scott will never be gone but I have learned how to make new memories. I made new memories at Disney World with my friends. I will make new memories in San Antonio with two very beautiful, smart, young ladies! It's gotta be a better memory then having the truck broken into and Hannah's laptop stolen! I am even doing something completely different on the trip down and that alone is the most impressive fact. I don't like change and I am making a food change! I'm not promising I will be good with it but I'm trying to make a different step forward!
I think I need some help with closet control! The worst spot in the house is still my craft room because it is still filled with things for the wedding. I don't have a need for any of the stuff. Why do I need 12 black iron lanterns and a mass of plastic plates, cups, silverware? I'm really not planning on getting married. I know I said that with Scott. I didn't say I wasn't ever doing that just that I'm not planning on it. If I say never we all know what happens so less chance if I'm not planning on it!
My wedding dress is still in there but that's okay the door to the room stays closed. I can't craft though and I really need to make some projects. It is just one of those things that I will get to when I can do it without a panic attack. Or someone can guide me through it who isn't fazed by my emotional attachments! I'm not sure that person exists so unless someone comes forward I will just keep the doors to the closet closed.
Today I achieved having the broken garage door repaired! I have asked for help to spread mulch and weed/feed the yard next weekend. That is more because it will go faster then if Hannah and I do it ourselves. The point in that statement is the weed/feed and fire ant killer! It will be used! I don't think I need to be attached to them just because they are the very last things Scott bought when he was alive! He will be very upset with me if I became a hoarder. I refuse to live like that so I am trying to step forward.
I am learning to make new memories and that is what is most important in life. Scott and I used to have this game to move into our new life together where we made our own memories. It didn't mean a change or forgetting out past but finding a new meaning to different places. My memories with Scott will never be gone but I have learned how to make new memories. I made new memories at Disney World with my friends. I will make new memories in San Antonio with two very beautiful, smart, young ladies! It's gotta be a better memory then having the truck broken into and Hannah's laptop stolen! I am even doing something completely different on the trip down and that alone is the most impressive fact. I don't like change and I am making a food change! I'm not promising I will be good with it but I'm trying to make a different step forward!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Leaf and Bloom
"It may be
that some little root of the sacred tree still lives
Nourish it then
that it may leaf and bloom and fill with singing birds." -Black Elk
I think in this journey of living forward one of my greatest gifts has been in the belief in the possiblity of death just being a door. Those of us have gone before us have more powers then we in our human form can completely comprehend but I feel the energy and experience things in my life which have allowed me to know without a doubt there will be a place for me beyond. Life does not stop because our human form fails. I don't question the love and light that comes from beyond. I don't question the people who have touched, are touching and will touch my life!
I'm not in a good way but I try everyday. I have never stopped trying. I not only fight the pain deep in my soul but my physical pain. This week I'm struggling with my MS but I'm still out there in my life. Scott will always protect me and provide me with strength from God. I'm a going to keep fighting because it is who I am.
Today I wasn't all there and someone noticed. Out of the blue our maintenance man walks into my office this morning and tells me "You weren't smiling this morning! You are always smiling and it reaches your eyes! I thought you needed you needed a smile to get yours back!" He then told me of his hard days after losing his wife ten years ago to cancer and how he still fights each day. I am important to someone and didn't even know it! I make someone else happy because I smile and battle through my moments. It is does make my heart sing to hear those words. My smile matters to others. I can keep going! I will keep going! I do keep going!
The next month will be the hardest of this year but I am trying to keep living forward. This weekend will be the hardest of it all when I keep remembering out last romantic trip to Disney World. A few days ago I had a rush of memories that I haven't had. I was standing on the balcony taking in our view and turned back into the room. Scott was laying on our bed his arm behind his head with that little grin that was for me only. I told him I didn't want to leave that I felt like this would be our last time here together. He told me it didn't matter if it ever was because we were together and had love! He said we will be back next year with our girls! I'm supposed to be getting on a plane Saturday morning and flying to Orlando. I made other plans because I have learned how to make new memories, different memories then what I dreamed!
The topiaries at the entrance to EPCOT this year are specifically for Scott! Buzz Lightyear will be in floral form. A new tree has sprung from the creative hands of the Disney landscaping Imaginears! Last year we found Briar Rose and I have the best memories of the perfect kiss saved forever on a photo. I want this year to be different but instead I am further then I ever thought possible in my journey to live forward. I am a different person because I do know the power of love! I have that gift in my heart to share. My ability to love hasn't stopped. I do have a gift to continue giving! My smile matters because it comes from my heart. That is a gift I will not stop giving. Scott continues to show me light and love from beyond that door. It is up to me to keep it living forward! When it is my time to cross through that door I want to know the love I have passed on will continue on with another on this Earth.
that some little root of the sacred tree still lives
Nourish it then
that it may leaf and bloom and fill with singing birds." -Black Elk
I think in this journey of living forward one of my greatest gifts has been in the belief in the possiblity of death just being a door. Those of us have gone before us have more powers then we in our human form can completely comprehend but I feel the energy and experience things in my life which have allowed me to know without a doubt there will be a place for me beyond. Life does not stop because our human form fails. I don't question the love and light that comes from beyond. I don't question the people who have touched, are touching and will touch my life!
I'm not in a good way but I try everyday. I have never stopped trying. I not only fight the pain deep in my soul but my physical pain. This week I'm struggling with my MS but I'm still out there in my life. Scott will always protect me and provide me with strength from God. I'm a going to keep fighting because it is who I am.
Today I wasn't all there and someone noticed. Out of the blue our maintenance man walks into my office this morning and tells me "You weren't smiling this morning! You are always smiling and it reaches your eyes! I thought you needed you needed a smile to get yours back!" He then told me of his hard days after losing his wife ten years ago to cancer and how he still fights each day. I am important to someone and didn't even know it! I make someone else happy because I smile and battle through my moments. It is does make my heart sing to hear those words. My smile matters to others. I can keep going! I will keep going! I do keep going!
The next month will be the hardest of this year but I am trying to keep living forward. This weekend will be the hardest of it all when I keep remembering out last romantic trip to Disney World. A few days ago I had a rush of memories that I haven't had. I was standing on the balcony taking in our view and turned back into the room. Scott was laying on our bed his arm behind his head with that little grin that was for me only. I told him I didn't want to leave that I felt like this would be our last time here together. He told me it didn't matter if it ever was because we were together and had love! He said we will be back next year with our girls! I'm supposed to be getting on a plane Saturday morning and flying to Orlando. I made other plans because I have learned how to make new memories, different memories then what I dreamed!
The topiaries at the entrance to EPCOT this year are specifically for Scott! Buzz Lightyear will be in floral form. A new tree has sprung from the creative hands of the Disney landscaping Imaginears! Last year we found Briar Rose and I have the best memories of the perfect kiss saved forever on a photo. I want this year to be different but instead I am further then I ever thought possible in my journey to live forward. I am a different person because I do know the power of love! I have that gift in my heart to share. My ability to love hasn't stopped. I do have a gift to continue giving! My smile matters because it comes from my heart. That is a gift I will not stop giving. Scott continues to show me light and love from beyond that door. It is up to me to keep it living forward! When it is my time to cross through that door I want to know the love I have passed on will continue on with another on this Earth.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Funk or Funky
"To fashion an inner story of our pain carries us into the heart of it, which is where rebirth inevitably occurs." - Sue Monk Kidd
It is amazing how I have come to this point in my life. This blog lets me take everything in my brain and find a spot to dump it all to relieve me of the pain and focus upon my life. I am trying to be in the here and now. Sometimes I start the day in a funk. Oh geez, I think I just replanted "Play the funky music white boy" in my head. The funk that makes me want to cry all over the nearest shoulder. As the day progress I suddenly realize I may not be in such a funk as I started. I'm not so focused upon myself. I like that moment but it does take so much effort to get the day started sometimes.
I still can't do some things but I have loved the realization that I can make steps. I am further today then what I could have ever possibly dreamed. I'm not taking any days for granted because they may be fewer then any of us can ever imagine. My space right here gives me the chance to not dwell on what is in my head. I am trying to live and laugh. Scott still loves me and I love him. We didn't choose to be physically separated but he is here spiritually. The radio continues, the crazy gifts that don't make sense, the messages are here and the push to continue to find happiness and peace is in my heart. There is a plan for me and people in my life to keep the smiles coming. I'm finding myself in the pain. The place in my heart will always have him in it.
I'm making the journey. Oh no that means I'm now going to have Journey songs in my brain. I need the roads of Western Kansas, straight flat shot to drive all out singing at the top of my tone deaf lungs! I need to be goofy and silly. Maybe hanging out with Hannah and Holly this weekend I can laugh at their antics! I think I may feel the need to hold Hannah down again and tickle. I like the feeling of life and joy in laughter. I like knowing that there are a few people who get the full effect of my smile when it hits my eyes. I like the moments when I get out of the funk and have a real smile. One more day down in my own words. My fingers have spewed out some of what is in my brain. The funky music has moved into my head instead of the funky mood. Now that may be progress but I need a new song!
It is amazing how I have come to this point in my life. This blog lets me take everything in my brain and find a spot to dump it all to relieve me of the pain and focus upon my life. I am trying to be in the here and now. Sometimes I start the day in a funk. Oh geez, I think I just replanted "Play the funky music white boy" in my head. The funk that makes me want to cry all over the nearest shoulder. As the day progress I suddenly realize I may not be in such a funk as I started. I'm not so focused upon myself. I like that moment but it does take so much effort to get the day started sometimes.
I still can't do some things but I have loved the realization that I can make steps. I am further today then what I could have ever possibly dreamed. I'm not taking any days for granted because they may be fewer then any of us can ever imagine. My space right here gives me the chance to not dwell on what is in my head. I am trying to live and laugh. Scott still loves me and I love him. We didn't choose to be physically separated but he is here spiritually. The radio continues, the crazy gifts that don't make sense, the messages are here and the push to continue to find happiness and peace is in my heart. There is a plan for me and people in my life to keep the smiles coming. I'm finding myself in the pain. The place in my heart will always have him in it.
I'm making the journey. Oh no that means I'm now going to have Journey songs in my brain. I need the roads of Western Kansas, straight flat shot to drive all out singing at the top of my tone deaf lungs! I need to be goofy and silly. Maybe hanging out with Hannah and Holly this weekend I can laugh at their antics! I think I may feel the need to hold Hannah down again and tickle. I like the feeling of life and joy in laughter. I like knowing that there are a few people who get the full effect of my smile when it hits my eyes. I like the moments when I get out of the funk and have a real smile. One more day down in my own words. My fingers have spewed out some of what is in my brain. The funky music has moved into my head instead of the funky mood. Now that may be progress but I need a new song!
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