I Need Wings

Adrenaline is my drug of choice. There are so many other things I could have done this year to cope with all of the feelings of grief but I haven't. I have faced them head on! I haven't hidden in alcohol, drugs (other then my panic attack ones), sex, food or whatever else I could use to attempt to mask my grief. Adrenaline has been the one thing that makes me feel like I'm as close to Scott as I can ever get. It is a truly natural high.

Today I got a boost of adrenaline in the form of many rollercoasters! We were talking about the coasters today as we were riding. Holly hasn't ever ridden a big coaster. I was telling her about being 18 and finally riding my first upside down ride. I've always been scared of them but the last six months have made it nearly impossible for me to say no to riding! It is the only way.

Over the last three months I have found that I am smiling without feeling guilt. I can carry on a conversation without thinking of Scott even once - right now that is restricted to one person for any length of time but that is changing. He isn't ever very far away but it is nice to know I can have a few moments of being this new person I have become.

The rollercoaster gives me my high, let's me be wild and free. I am living forward just as Scott expects. I will learn what and where I am supposed to be. If that means I have backsliding moments then I know a rollercoaster will give me a power boost. I think I will be good for a bit! I think I can make it for a few weeks. Although a nice bottle of wine here and there is fun too! I just don't rely on it to fix my life! I will have to continue driving fast though because the rollercoasters just aren't close enough for me! I need some new selections to my music though.

So tonight I'm praying for wings to let me fly. Fly as high as I can be to feel alive! I will keep trying to live forward into my own great unknown because for some reason all those coasters come to a quick braking stop and reality sets in once again. I'm just glad I have a few moments of freedom to fly and feel the healing power of Scott's arms and love surrounding me unconditionally. I have learned in this journey that too many people have conditions on their lives. Go with the flow, have rules but be open to all the possibilities because you never know when God will hand you a new world to embrace! Fly!