Leaf and Bloom

"It may be
that some little root of the sacred tree still lives
Nourish it then
that it may leaf and bloom and fill with singing birds." -Black Elk



I think in this journey of living forward one of my greatest gifts has been in the belief in the possiblity of death just being a door. Those of us have gone before us have more powers then we in our human form can completely comprehend but I feel the energy and experience things in my life which have allowed me to know without a doubt there will be a place for me beyond. Life does not stop because our human form fails. I don't question the love and light that comes from beyond. I don't question the people who have touched, are touching and will touch my life!

I'm not in a good way but I try everyday. I have never stopped trying. I not only fight the pain deep in my soul but my physical pain. This week I'm struggling with my MS but I'm still out there in my life. Scott will always protect me and provide me with strength from God. I'm a going to keep fighting because it is who I am.

Today I wasn't all there and someone noticed. Out of the blue our maintenance man walks into my office this morning and tells me "You weren't smiling this morning! You are always smiling and it reaches your eyes! I thought you needed you needed a smile to get yours back!" He then told me of his hard days after losing his wife ten years ago to cancer and how he still fights each day. I am important to someone and didn't even know it! I make someone else happy because I smile and battle through my moments. It is does make my heart sing to hear those words. My smile matters to others. I can keep going! I will keep going! I do keep going!

The next month will be the hardest of this year but I am trying to keep living forward. This weekend will be the hardest of it all when I keep remembering out last romantic trip to Disney World. A few days ago I had a rush of memories that I haven't had. I was standing on the balcony taking in our view and turned back into the room. Scott was laying on our bed his arm behind his head with that little grin that was for me only. I told him I didn't want to leave that I felt like this would be our last time here together. He told me it didn't matter if it ever was because we were together and had love! He said we will be back next year with our girls! I'm supposed to be getting on a plane Saturday morning and flying to Orlando. I made other plans because I have learned how to make new memories, different memories then what I dreamed!

The topiaries at the entrance to EPCOT this year are specifically for Scott! Buzz Lightyear will be in floral form. A new tree has sprung from the creative hands of the Disney landscaping Imaginears! Last year we found Briar Rose and I have the best memories of the perfect kiss saved forever on a photo. I want this year to be different but instead I am further then I ever thought possible in my journey to live forward. I am a different person because I do know the power of love! I have that gift in my heart to share. My ability to love hasn't stopped. I do have a gift to continue giving! My smile matters because it comes from my heart. That is a gift I will not stop giving. Scott continues to show me light and love from beyond that door. It is up to me to keep it living forward! When it is my time to cross through that door I want to know the love I have passed on will continue on with another on this Earth.