My head is so tired. It has been a long week and wow it should really be Friday today but alas I have to do it all again tomorrow. Then this weekend will be me time I suppose. Tonight I was walking around outside thinking I need to plant things. It has been one of those weeks. I get frustrated, I dig in the dirt or I craft something that requires pounding. I'm thinking I'm not going to be crafting because that craft room just needs emotional attention. I've conquered the garden so maybe the flowers can help add to the project we were working on last spring. After Scott passed away I just was done with the yard but somehow Spring comes again.
"The strands are all there: to the memory nothing is ever lost." - Eudora Welty
I think the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that my memories are all the strands to our love. As long as I have those he will be a part of my life. I may someday experience the loss of my own world but at that point I will be so near to joining him that I will probably just be seeing him anyway! Yes working with Dementia patients makes you think about some really odd things. One day my counselor and I were talking about the memories and living forward with them. She was telling me about a gentleman she had that came to see her that was seeing a woman who had lost her husband. No names were ever mentioned but she said he always felt like her late husband was encouraging him and approving. This all came up when we were discussing how much I feel Scott around and that no I'm not crazy!
I feel so much less crazy today. I can only explain it that I just feel that comfort and peace surrounding me more so today. I was busy but I didn't feel stressed. I felt surrounded by love. I don't get it but really strange things happened today that just make me know. I get it and I accept it! My boss sent out an email that she was taking a day off because one of her closest friends lost their 19 year old daughter in a car accident. My immediate response comes from such a different place then it did before. Now I feel like I have a gift to share to others. The power to understand how to live forward. Sometimes the strangest things will trigger my tears but today I have made a mark with only one episode. That is a first for me in almost a year. I will keep trying to make it one step at a time. I'm sure I'm still strapped into the rollercoaster though I have just reached the catch my breath moment for more flying!
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