Guy Talk

I know I should be focusing on life right now but I'm focused on death again. I know it is time for my B12 shot I can feel it in my brain but today I just felt like giving up on my life. I want to make it through all of this year, all of the firsts. I am almost there. The only thing is you see Lent begins! The one part of my spiritual life I have not been able to come to grips with is losing Scott on Easter Sunday. That time is later this year so not only do I have to do the anniversary of the celebration of his life but I have to deal with Easter at the end of the month. My year of firsts is longer then most other people! For the first time since I discovered that I can flirt, smile and focus on myself I just don't care about living forward. Not today!

I feel this huge gaping hole in my heart today triggered by a random thought and I just don't care about trying. I'm sad, lonely and I feel outside of my own skin. I don't want to try anymore. Tonight I am the pathetic. It takes a ton of energy to fake it on days you don't want to be out in the world. Today must have been one of those days because I haven't felt the need to fake life for a while. Put on a happy face and pretend the world is all hunky dunky! I have been finding my smile in my eyes. I just don't think it was there today.

Today I want to be held and loved. To know I matter to someone else, that I am loved for me, warts and all. Yesterday, a friend told me Scott thought I hung the moon. I want to be with him on that moon. Scott wasn't the only part of my life but that kind of love is hard to lose. I keep hearing how I will find someone when the time is right and I need to not push myself so hard. Which I find really funny because I don't even know if or when the right time will happen. It would just be nice to have someone to hang with. I have my fantastic girlfriends but there is something about just having guy friends. The conversations are different! I need to get out of my own head because tonight I think I'm a lot crazy. I actually want to hear a lecture on the Final Four and who is going to be where and why! I HATE basketball!

I am struggling to get out of this funk! Today at work I couldn't focus on anything of any substance! I never forget stuff and I found myself looking things up multiple times just to answer questions. I finally gave up and cleaned out the closet in my office! I am paying for it now because I was doing things physically that I'm not supposed to do but if it wore me out to exhaustion maybe I will sleep. Okay guy friends where are you when I need you! Oh wait that's the trouble - here let me try this. I promise not to have an emotional melt down in your presence! I never would have to say that to Scott he would just know I had melted before I did! I guess maybe I am still trying to live forward. If I weren't I wouldn't be sitting here trying to get all of this out of my head!

I need superficial sports lectures or even just attending a sporting event. I think I may have just shocked Scott but I do like most sports. It's just that he loved his NCAA Basketball tourney. My seasons with him weren't about the changing of the leaves but about the changing of the type of playing field and uniforms. Hey I'm a good catch for some future yet to be named guy in my life! Scott trained me well to listen patiently to stats, teams and random facts. I must have learned something if I miss the lectures. Like I said my poor sad life! Now how to I find my smile again. Where did I sit it down because it surely got lost some where today!