Happier Heart

So I melted down over rocks. My carefully well placed rocks around the pool while we were finishing up in the yard. I know it only had one thing to do with Scott. I was good when we were in the front yard but working around the landscape for the pool was very hard. I melted. I couldn't do it anymore. I went into the house and sobbed. I still don't get why he left me. I don't think I'm ever supposed to get why he left me but it really does hurt when I cross things I have avoided or sometimes not even realized I was avoiding.

I know I was avoiding the landscape around the pool. I can tell you every step we made that weekend when we were working in the yard. I can even point out the last bush I pruned and the last place I sat watching him stare off into space on the back patio. The palm trees still need pruning. I wait until a bit of green comes out of the top for them. I will have to tackle that project but I can avoid it for a bit longer.

As I sat in the floor of Hannah's bathroom asking him why he left me, I started praying again. I asked him to let me know he was still here with me. A bit later I had to go get the last 30 bags of the 180 bags of mulch I bought this weekend. When I got into my StepBob's truck, which I have been driving all weekend, the radio started in with Scott sending me messages. Overpowering messages! I got it! I started smiling. Then when I went into Home Depot for the umpteenth time, I ran into the person I need to call about Home Health for my Mother-in-law to give her the info for Scott's sister to take care of all the details! Amazing!

Next weekend I am planning to have a completely me weekend! I will recharge my own batteries! I'm not sure what that means yet but I know it will not involve mulching, cleaning, hauling, or any form of labor! I am really thinking two days in my PJ's sounds really great. Not as much fun alone though. Oh well it's all I've gotta work with these days I might as well pretend to enjoy my own company when I'm here. I need to learn how to make the most of the life I have and that requires taking time for myself too! It is very peaceful sitting outside on the back patio right now. The only thing about it is sitting in the chair where I sat waiting for Scott to come home. I even have the same glass next to me filled with the same type of drink. It is once again a Sunday night. I will survive. I don't have any choice.

So when I finish this blog I will sit and meditate. I will make myself open to messages from God, Scott or anyone else who needs to visit and help me make it on my journey of living forward. It would be nice to be sitting here holding hands but I can take the noise from the road, kitty meows, locusts, crickets, a bird and off in the distance a dog barking. There is something to be said for taking the time to find peace inside yourself. It sure makes the days when I have to be on for the rest of the world so much easier to make it through. Listen to the quiet, it will make your heart a happier place.