Always a Big But...

I used to crave days like today. Sitting and doing nothing but reading my book. It would have been a perfect day. The sun was bright, the yard looks great, I have a funny book on my Kindle, the new chaise lounge on the patio but... Isn't there always a BIG BUT in my story. Sadly it is mine. I would much rather have had Scott sitting out here tormenting me about sitting around doing nothing or watching him trying to make me feel guilty by working on stuff so I would come help him. From the outside looking in I may have it all, great job, fun coworkers, friends and family who would do anything for me, a beautiful daughter, a nice home and great vacations. Here we go again the BIG BUT it's lonely.

It is still real easy for me to know which weekends we would have had the girls and when we wouldn't. Hannah is with her dad so we wouldn't have had Laynie. This still hurts to think about the things we loved to do together. One day he told me to get in the truck we had some things to do. We drove all around the countryside. Talking and laughing and just being free. We did his favorite thing of stopping at a hole in the wall for sustenance but we just really needed each other. I love how much time we spent together. I know that is why we had such a strong relationship. We had our battles but they never lasted long.

As I sat outside again today I was watching the birds and listening to the sweet doves coo. Along flew a blue jay. He was in the yard playing for a long time. Earlier the Cardinal was in the front yard but later on he was flying in and out of the same tree where the Blue jay had been. I just had to Google what seeing those two birds means.

"The symbolic meaning of cardinals deals with vibrancy and brilliance.

As we observe the cardinal – particularly against the backdrop of the stark winter months, we are reminded that even when things appear bleak or isolated, there is always the presence of beauty, hope, and love.

Cardinals encourage us to express our brilliance and reveal our truest selves. Their radiant red is a symbol for us to recognize the gifts in our hearts that we have to give to others in love and friendship."


"The Blue Jay's message is about embracing life to the fullest wherever you land and pursuing life with gusto at all times. They represent a more exciting, flamboyant, and glamorous life, arriving onto the scene with beauty, color, and vibrance. They are also known to represent people who have the "gift of gab". They command energy like royalty or stardom walking on a red carpet. The pronounced crest on the head resembles a crown for royalty. When a Blue Jay grabs your attention, it is asking you to embrace your God-given assets. You already have the world's attention- all you have to do is respond to it."


Wow! I've always seen lots of cardinals since my Dad died so I always have associated them with a visit from him. Scott was with me many times when we would see them and he would comment on how they seem to follow me because he had never seen so many. I have never seen a blue jay in my yard so I was very surprised. When I looked up the symbolic meaning I was very surprised to see the "gift of gab" I do believe Scott may have found the perfect bird to show me from him.

I have to think that I wasn't really alone today. I just needed a space to breath and recollect. I have so much more to give from my heart. I read or heard something the other day that said "your heart should rule above your head!" That is the kind of person I am. There are things I know and understand long before others see the truth. I will continue to wait patiently for the catching up to happen. It always does. I will keep being my truest self. That seems to be the best place for me to be! I am still lonely but my heart is a bit lighter knowing Scott and Daddy still love me and seem to have found each other!

Now I just need to avoid thinking with the BIG BUT in all my sentences! There is more life for me to live! I continue to ask for light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. There are more answers yet to find.