Out of Character

Okay so I figured out the answer to my crazy roller coaster of emotions. Yesterday was the last time Scott and I fought. I don't mean the "I'm concerned about you please listen to me conversation!" but the knock down, door slamming, I can't deal with this outside BS anymore fight! I still have all the emotions of all those days. I know I always will but I really want to live! I want to be alive and feel alive. Someone keeps saying to me "What would Scott want you to do?" I can answer that with a thousand percent certainty!

He wants me to live and love and laugh. He doesn't want me hiding. He always told me he was the luckiest man in the world to be with me. You know what I wish I could have told him he was right! I doubt myself and he knew how to push me out there. I know Hannah comes first but really you think I'm nuts talking about this on the anniversary of his death but I think it is time to spread my wings! Whose got ideas. I don't require someone to take care of me but there are benefits to adult relationships that well let's just say a ghost just can't do!

I worked myself out of some really crazy thoughts because those don't do me any good. I have decided Scott doesn't want me to focus on the events of his death but on love, life and laughter. He isn't at the cemetery. I did my best to memorialize his memory. I left space for me but it's not time to use it! I don't need to focus on the bleak and painful! I am here to live. I thought maybe I could disappear and not tell anyone where I'm going but I'm too responsible for that. I will however say a few people know where I'll be and maybe I will share. According to my Mom she told me if I was going somewhere then it had better go on FB so she could keep track of me! No matter how hard I try I can't break my own rules!!

How about this suggestion from a friend! He told me to go have Mexican food where I'm going, have a shot of Tequila and kiss a random guy!! LOL! Made me think of the song "Tequila makes my clothes come off!" Well I'd say that would certainly get me out of character! Scott would have loved that! Oh wait he knew the effects of alcohol on me! Maybe someday I will get my feet wet! LOL! Shh I know TMI!

I am better! I am stronger! I just have moments of relapse and for some reason I needed a kick in the pants last night and a dose of Xanax! I am myself. I have been able to multitask and smile and laugh. I know you all care about me! I, however, need to figure out how to be in a new life and open to new experiences and opportunities! So maybe it is time to conquer my other fear of dating. I don't know the steps to that or admit that it is a lot easier to play it safe and hid in the house and not do anything but dating doesn't mean I have to be in a committed relationship! It does mean that I need to fly a bit. It also doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving Scott. How can you when you know for a fact he will always be here with me, messing with me, pushing the buttons on the TV, changing the music stations on the radio. I have my feet. I am a survivor.

He loves me and to me that means forever happiness not forever misery. He wants me to fly! So he isn't in the cemetery but he is always in my heart! He lifts me up and gives me wings. I ask for it daily and today I received the guidance I needed. There are some amazing people in my life and they know exactly what they give me! I'm not perfect. I make mistakes but I try to keep living forward. I'm not giving up!