Diamond Day

Rough does NOT even begin to describe today for me. I should have called it a day and left it to be. Nope I couldn't just let it all well enough be. I went to work instead. I can say I was busy enough that I didn't notice it was 4pm and then suddenly it was 5pm. I stuck a fork in it and called it done. I love that saying.

Two years ago at 7:30 in the morning Scott proposed to me in the lobby of the most beautiful hotel - Wilderness Lodge - in front of a random totem pole while I sat on my scooter getting ready to make our way to the Magic Kingdom. My engagement ring was burning a hole in his pocket and he couldn't wait for the boat ride across to the front of the castle. It was all good for me. I got a better memory and it is purely Scott. I can still hear his voice telling me "When I found you, I found the life I have always wanted. I want to love you to infinity and beyond! Will you marry me and love me to infinity and beyond?" Yes! I will never doubt saying yes. He made me happy and you can't take those special moments from me. I don't want to be here alone on the couch but I am.

Last year we celebrated and those are memories that can never be replaced! We should be at Disney World today with our girls. I should be holding hands and singing along to Pirates but here I am watching reruns of The Closer and eating a Peanut Buster Parfait! Okay so maybe I'm drowning my sorrows in chocolate tonight! I think I may have to add a glass of wine to the mix. I will find a way to get over this step tonight. It is just another part of my living forward. I am crying thinking, "He died but I didn't! I have to find a way to live! I am finding a way to live!"

I was treated like crap at work today by someone on a power trip with no real power. It was all I could do to stand there and listen to an idiot who doesn't know what it really means to help someone. She only knows what it means to look nice. I would never wish ill on others but there are some in life who need to know what life and love really mean. I wanted to explode but I kept my calm. When I was finished being treated like a stupid idiot, I sat at my desk and cried. I think my wild child needs to visit. I need to let loose and be free. I don't know what that means but there has to be someone out there who does! I can hear my friend Sheryl saying,"Me, I the sweet and innocent one!" Yes Sheryl we are but when we let go of that image you have to beware, you never know what you will find!

Scott understood my wild child and yet here I am. Alone! and crying again. I will get there but tonight I'm allowed a set back. I will find my feet tomorrow. I think tonight is hot bath, good book and early to bed. Maybe I will get a visit in my dreams holding me up! He always has a way of surprising me and I have to say there have been so many things that have come true that he has shared with me in these visits. To my friend Angela, "All things are possible in God!" Tonight I pray for God's light and love, to guide me, protect me and show me the way but really doing something I've never done sounds good to me too! I think Scott would be shocked and our anniversary day would be a new memory!