My Castle

Have you ever had a strength you didn't know you had? Today I realized the strength I had for Scott. He used to tell me all the time and I understood but I don't think I fully believed him. I was his calm. I wasn't always calm and I do get worked up. Hannah can vouch for me on that but when his life was nuts and he wanted to conquer or just plain ol punch someone out, I was the voice of reason. I could take his hand and give him my heart in my eyes and we were moved to another plane of reality. When we came back the world was right again.

It is hard being such a touchy feely person and not having an outlet for those emotions. I see it at work, I pat shoulders, touch hands and give hugs but I have realized I am so much more restrained. I'm afraid of all the emotions you get from others with the simple act of touching. I think I have turned off the feeling side of me some days it is so much easier to cope with the world when I focus on my own emotions. There are still a few people that I can't turn off intercepting their energy whether I touch them or not.

I really do try though but sometimes when those folks are agitated or anxious I feel it and then I don't know what to do with the energy when it is sent to me. I don't know if I'm making sense but I think we have all been there when you are around someone who is happy that you feel happy. I can handle happy not so much agitated! Maybe that is why I have shut my own emotions down. Maybe that is why I am so afraid of life still. I keep myself so protected. My brick walls are there as my castle.

I'm so afraid of interacting with others on such a personal level that I keep things so very superficial sometimes. Then I think about Scott. He never let me be that way. He made me join life. He encouraged me to open the door to the castle and not be afraid of others. I am still that person and I have the skills he taught me but I'm still very frightened of living. I am working on life and living. I am working on keeping myself out there. I can't be hard on myself but I'm still tiptoeing through the tulips! Little steps and I will find myself again.