Patio Sunset

I'm not sure about so many things in life but I do know that I am trying. Last week after we tackled the yard I decided to do something for myself that Scott was going to do for me last year for Mother's Day. I have always wanted nice "wicker" furniture for the covered patio. I decided it was time to conquer the vision I always saw sitting out by the pool looking towards the house; Scott standing on the patio looking off into space and slowly walking into the house. I still have the other furniture but now it is different out here yet still the same. The vision is in my head but I can go outside and be at peace. That is another step for me that I was surprised I was able to make.

Then last night the other part of the outdoor living space has always been a pergola over the other part of the patio. This was the original design even when Mike and I were married and Scott kept saying we will get that done so your garden can be finished. If you garden much you know it is never complete and always changing but the main structures matter. The hardscapes need to be finished. As I was doing my usual games on Facebook along comes an add for, yes you guessed it, a local company that specialized in pergolas! I don't understand how I keep walking into answers to questions I don't even know I have!

The hardest part of the dream coming together is the loneliness attached to not having the person I love here to share it with me. Tonight I arranged to what I think may look right but I know I will move it around until it feels just right. Then I grabbed my laptop and sat out here in the warm air watching the sunset. It has been almost a year ago since I sat here watching a sunset but the feeling was different in a new chair. It is peaceful but very lonely trying to continue to come to grips with living forward. I know the end will never happen and I am changed but I refuse to pretend like my life with Scott never was. That would be far worse. We were very blessed with wonderful years and wonderful memories. I love him and he has a place always with me. That doesn't mean I am all boarded up and just hanging out to die. I will try. Some days I am more ready then others. Some days I feel pushed backwards but most days I live forward into a new definition of my life.

If I live for forty more years then I hope I can enjoy a life again like I shared with Scott. I don't really want to be sitting here on this same patio living a dream that will never be. I have new hopes and dreams that I know Scott wants me to have. He wants me to find my place in the world again. I will live forward one sunset at a time. I will eventually be able to swim again! I will eventually be able to go to the grocery store without having a panic attack! I will be loved again! Smile and think positively! It is the only way to get what I want out of my life.