Open Hearts

I'm not sure why but last night I laid in bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I couldn't sleep and that isn't a good thing. I don't understand some of the things that set me up for tears. It can be the most random of things. Yesterday evening I came home and laid outside on my chaise recliner reading. Just being in the moment. Sometimes I feel as if I could teach a class on embracing all the small moments in life and yet others I can barely brush my teeth. I actually fell asleep laying outside. It was the most wonderful feeling. It wasn't for long but enough to feel calm after the crazy aggravating day I had yesterday.

Hannah came home from Church and I found her outside later doing her homework on the patio. I teased her about sitting in my spot! In the house I have my spot and now I've staked my spot outside. I'm very territorial, I like things just so. I know laugh all you want but it does help me keep my calm. We did a few more things and suddenly it was time for bed. She headed to her side of the house and I went to mine. I was tired but sleep was elusive and suddenly I found myself in gut wrenching tears looking at the pillows I have in my bed. One is covered in Scott's tshirt. It doesn't smell like him but resting my head on it reminds me of so many things. I was finally able to calm myself but I still wasn't sleeping so I did what I do best read some more! I was up until 3 am. That certainly doesn't make for a pretty morning.

I was so out of sorts it was after 10 before I noticed I looked tired and sad when I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom. I was so befuddled this morning that I had forgotten my mascara! That is one scary sight! It did turn out to be a really good day though. It was quiet in the therapy department but we managed to get out for lunch. Then all of the sudden crazy conversations started happening.

I was talking to two separate people at two different times. One had lost her husband five years ago and one whose sister had lost her husband two years ago. Just random out of the blue conversations. They both talked about dating and how neither was able to date because they compared all men to the deceased husbands. Neither had sought counseling and still had issues that they were unprepared to face. It must be something I need to face to have it just be a random part of conversation. I think about all the people I know. Then I think about Scott. I see all kinds of guys out and about in the community but I don't look for him. The only thing that still makes my heart pause and look for him is seeing a White Toyota Tundra. I can't tell you what I would do about dating because I don't know. If there is someone who is interesting I won't be closed off and afraid. I know I will just do exactly what I have been doing living forward. It is my way to honor Scott's memory.

This year of firsts is rapidly coming to a close. In ten days it will be one year since Scott walked out of this house telling me "It's ok! I love you!" I don't know what tomorrow holds let alone the emotions I will feel on April 4! I am prepared to keep living forward in each day. I am prepared to be honest and truthful with myself. I am prepared to smile and find the positive in all that I am handed in my life. I don't know what the future holds for me but I am here pausing in each moment because I am not guaranteed a tomorrow. I will know that "in God all things are possible!" It will be possible for me to do whatever because I have come through the worst year anyone can have trying to live forward. I don't know if God only gives you what you can handle but I do know that some where deep inside each of us is the power of love to focus on the those moments we take to make it, even when all we want to do is end it! I will keep living forward. I don't know what I'm ready for until it slaps me in the face and I have to learn.

There are things I'm ready to do and in time I will get to them. Not today but someday. There is only one Scott in my heart and I know that we each deserve a chance to be judged for ourselves not how we compare to someone who is now without faults. I know what I am seeking and it will appear when the time is right. My heart is open to all the possibilities in this world I just have to step out from behind my protective castle walls. I will find my path one step at a time. I am living forward in all things today.