Eating Elephants

I'm beginning to wonder if I have earned a lifetime supply of tears. I don't think there is a type of tear I haven't cried. Tears are very exhausting but yet cleansing at the same time. I can't explain the power of all my tears. Each drop that has rolled down my checks, made my nose run, caused streaky, blotchy, red, swollen eyes, ruined paperwork at my desk and even made others cry has carried an emotion. Those emotions are so different each time I cry. I really would like to have a day that doesn't leave me more questions about my own life after a bout of tears.

Today a long time friend and I texted all day. We have spent many hours together and are really close friends. He's had a bunch of life changing experiences lately but it was so funny for me to have him say things to me that I've said to him. I doubt myself so often. I doubt my ability to live forward and let go. He kept saying to me you just have to live for you. You can live for your daughter but if you aren't true to yourself and know yourself then what you are for Hannah isn't enough to keep going after she grows up! I just smiled and laughed with tears in my eyes. He was so right. I have said those words but yet here I sit over analyzing myself.

I just need to stop and breathe again. At work today it was 3:30pm before I even noticed that my watch still said the time prior to daylight savings time! I'm not sure what that means though. For the last year I have tackled so many things and just kept going. The only time I stopped was when I couldn't keep going. When I emotionally melted. I feel that melting happening again. I just need to be. What I would dearly love to be able to do is go to Fiji. LikuLiku resort sounds like the perfect place to be just me. That was Scott's plan to get me to a place where I didn't have a chance to run on full speed. I need to know how to pause and breathe. I pretend like I do but I'm not sure if I really do. Maybe I do need to just disappear for refresher.

I just start thinking about everyone I would upset if I just disappeared for some tranquility. Today at lunch we were talking about 12-12-12. I just said, "I'm ready!" I have faced so many of my own demons yet they just keep coming. My own emotions don't just fade. I have reached so far but I do know when I'm tired I can't push forward any harder. Maybe my journey isn't just about myself but helping others. I got to experience love and I'm ready to join him but I don't get to say when that date happens. That must mean I have lessons to learn, lives to touch, hands to hold, places to be and love to give. I can't be selfish! I just can't disappear. I have a life I'm supposed to hang onto. I have more to give just really need to get out of my own brain.

I need my fun, flirty self to make a reappearance. I like how that mood makes me feel so light and free. Not as free as the rollercoaster but enough to make the steps to keep living forward easier. Maybe sleep will stop my brain. The last two nights I have found myself wrapped in arms in my dreams. I can only hope they are Scott's. I can't see him but I'd know those hairy arms anywhere. He wants me to keep moving and to keep trying. He wants me to be me. So tonight I say to heck with the time change and go take my medicines early. I really wish I could have real sleep but that is another battle for another day.

My friend Betsy keeps saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is "one bite at a time." I have several elephants. I'm really full but I guess I just keep trying. Hand me the next bite, tomorrow! There are no time frames but you'd really think this elephant would be smaller! Thank you to the wisdom of a very special child in Betsy's life who can find just the right words to describe life!