I AM...

"What was it in the sweep of the sky, the giant outcropping of rock, the sassafras leaf in my hand? I did not know, but I felt hushed by awe and a quiet joy." -Avery Brooks

After all the trauma, stress, tears, loss, fatigue and all the crazy nonstop days I have learned to pause and feel that awe of and quiet joy. It gives me a rejuvenation that I know I need to keep going. There are so many parts to my life that I do enjoy these days. There are moments when I can have a conversation and the rest of the world disappears. There are times when I smile and feel full of joy. When I need a break to catch my breath, I stop and remember the times I have all the smiles, conversations and feel life.

The love of life is what I keep getting bits and pieces at a time. It hasn't completely stopped the breaks of loneliness or the quiet despair. I am trying to focus on my life in the here and now. I take the small moments and hope they add up to a magnificent moments. Tonight is the beginning of a week that should have been joyful and celebration I need all the moments of positive to keep me stepping instead of stopping.

I have all kinds of scenarios that run through my head of how to keep trying to remain focused. The ways to keep living forward. I have been so blessed with so many people holding me up and even pushing me forward when I don't want to try. My life matters to someone out there. I know it is more then just one person but having just one makes me keep breathing. I have a purpose, a reason for here and now and a place of where I will be going. I am learning who I am.

I received a phone call on Monday from one of those people in my life who has been on the fringe of my life watching and supporting me. She was changing jobs and wanted to personally let me know. She kept telling me what an inspiration I am and how special I am. It was nice to hear all of those kind words. My response though is always that I am being who I am. I don't know how to be anything more or less. I don't have a plan to get through this. I just listen to my heart and follow what I hear from God and Scott in my moments of reflection and healing.

Scott will always be a part of my heart but I have figured out that I do know how to live my life without him. I don't like it but I don't have a choice. I will do what I feel is the right step to take me further into my new life. I will always remember because that love gave me a life I will never forget but that doesn't mean I have stopped living. I am me! So in my time of quiet and reflection I continue to pray for light and love to keep me close in this last week of firsts.