Odd Dream

I did exactly what I wanted to do this weekend - Nothing! Somehow I always learn something though. Last night was a no sleep night. I'm not sure why since I did nothing the day before. Today that translated into a nice nap. I just hope I can sleep tonight though. Work somehow comes bright and early on Monday mornings. My nap was interesting to say the least. No details but interesting and for the first time in a dream I can remember it wasn't about Scott but it was as dreams can be still someone untouchable! Interesting way to learn a lesson but well they have always seem to come at me when I least expect them.

I have so many other things on my mind. I guess I needed a mental break in my sleep. I focus so hard on just putting one foot in front of the other that I really don't think about some of the stuff. I'm still paralyzed at the thought of anyone in my life. So I will stick to dreams that books are written. I do love a good novel but I'd prefer my life to have a happy ending because this sure isn't what dreams are made!

I have been doing the things I love and for once stopping and taking the time to do those things. I don't know how I've reached a point to just stop and breathe in the air of life. Hannah just changed the channel to the KU Jayhawk game. Three years ago Scott and I sat on the Riverwalk during the final four with my parents. I miss doing those things that you do for someone because you love them. I miss having a life based on love. I am learning to do the things I have to be for me to keep living forward. I still don't like my life all that much. For that matter I still hate my life but I'm trying to figure all that out.

If that means I have a wild and crazy dream then I guess I will turn it over in my brain like I do everything else. I will keep trying to like my life. I will be happy with the moments I'm still here even though I don't want to be. I think I was where I was supposed to be this weekend with my birds, gardens and my thoughts. I wasn't fit to be around anyone else. I'm not sure I am ready ever but I've gotten really good at pretending. Pretending to be okay with living forward. Maybe on the days I have true smiles my thoughts are different. There has to be a moment in time when I have learned to be healed enough to be okay in my own skin again. I guess for now I will take the crazy dreams. I'm not sure what they mean. Not today but maybe someday!