Skinny Dipping

What's real and what's not? I ask myself that question all the time. I don't think I'm the only one who does this but I can be disturbing after a while so I move on from those thoughts. Have you ever said a word over and over again? After awhile the word starts sounding funny and then you wonder if you are saying it correctly. Just how the brain works. I just finished watching the movie Inception. Very strange but thought provoking. There are times when I'm asleep that I wake up to things that unfold in front of me. And then the other times that you just know are out their in left field but funny when you think about them.

I wish I knew how our minds truly work. We have so much power that has yet to be harnessed yet we sometimes don't even try. I know after the last 14 months of dealing with a tragic death there are places in my find that I know of all of the possibilities. When I awake from a dream that my subconscious has worked through a problem and I know the answers to the questions that I have been struggling. I may have personal goals that I don't write down but there are answers to questions I didn't realize I have. There are so many things that need to be accomplished in my mind. So many places I want to be. So many people I still need in my life.

In my heart I know I have made so much progress but yet my head still works in overdrive at times. Today was just a busy day with things happening that I wish I didn't have to do. I want to make everything right for everyone but I also know that people have to also be strong for themselves and take ownership of things that I can't fix. After a day like today my head was throbbing. I was in overload and at 3pm I was mentally shutting down and then my body was there right along with my brain. I needed to recharge myself into something more then what I was becoming this afternoon. I pulled into the driveway, opened the gate and the radio worked it's magic once again. I'm not sure if it was a good magic for me but maybe it was just what I needed. The song "If Heaven Were Closer" I think is the name but I can't recall the artist right this second started playing. I opened the gate and pulled around to the garage. I feel like I was in slow motion doing all of these things. I pushed to button and watched the garage door open as the song was playing and the tears just started rolling. I have tears everyday but this was those sobbing deep in the soul moment of tears. The song ended as I sat there wishing.

I miss coming home to someone to talk about my day and then doing crazy things to make the world right again. I can only image that we would have just gone skinny dipping! Something so out of character for me generally but Scott was always right there doing wild and funny things to make me smile! Then the phone rings. It was one I was expecting but the timing is amazing to me! There is a reason but the universe isn't letting me know the answer. I was immediately smiling after a short conversation and the world was right side up once again. I wish it was time for the answer but I know that I continue to have to have patience.

I went and laid down to rest and the dreams began. I have the answers to the questions but it's not time. I know the possibilities will happen. I will be where I'm supposed to be as I am continued to be surround by light and love. The next three weeks won't be easy. I will make it this year just as I did last year. I'm a different person, a stronger person. It is okay to look back as I look forward into the magic and wonder that is the dream of life. My past has made me who I am. I don't want to be any different. I want those goals to happen and for Heaven's sake I just don't think skinny dipping alone would be any fun! I need to share craziness and laughter along with the rough days. Today I made it as I live forward into my tomorrow - six years ago I met the man who changed my life forever for the good and the bad. Do you think it's possible again? My dreams tell me it is so that's good enough for me!

Personal Goals

"All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses, And to die is different from what any one supposes, and luckier." - Walt Whitman

Isn't it funny where you remember learning things! I remember learning Walt Whitman in sophomore college prep English class. I remember who sat behind me all year and the teacher. I remember the classroom, desks, and other things we read! I have those memories of great years in a place that is gone. I have met people even around here whose homes from their childhood are gone because they made a lake! In my job you meet so many people that have gone through life watching everything disappear around them. I remember talking to grams when she would say, "It sucks to get so old that everyone you know is dead or can't remember squat!" I keep thinking about how much I miss her and Scott. They both just had a way with words that were pure down home but made perfect sense.

I have just kind of slow mind tonight. I made it home safe and sound but I have lots to process. I have a list to make to be even more organized in my life. I learned today that I have to have my goals written down, not only for work (I do that all the time) but for my personal life. I think I'm afraid to write down what I want! I know exactly what/who/where I want. Now how to get there = one day at a time with great patience!

Rascal Flatts is singing "I won't let go." This song means more for me then any single word I could use from a dictionary of millions of words. There is someone standing by me at all times because I keep asking for the Light and Love. Last night during a rough moment at midnight my dear friend Betsy always knows when to reach out until I can stand on my own two legs again. I only hope I can pass on the favor or pay it forward as I continue on my journey each day. I want to matter, I want to make a difference but I also can't do it all alone. So I guess I'd better find my sticky notes and write down my personal goals! Maybe just maybe I'll get there!

I Don't Wanna's

Can I just say that I'm wearing myself out and I need to stop! It's not like I'm doing anything more then usual but for some reason my world has gone crazy. I think I just have vacation countdown syndrome! My stress over being the organized anal packer that I am is going nuts with not even having started packing yet! Would you like to know that our vacation in a bit over three weeks. It is messing with everything else because I can't concentrate. I feel like everything needs to be straight and organized and ready to go. It is probably a good thing that my child is with her dad because she'd be rolling her eyes at me!

I was talking today with a friend about working and it just gets worse when then kids aren't around. Why do I do it? Just to have something to do? To fill the hours that are quiet? I don't know but I think I have learned that work doesn't have the emotional fulfillment that I need. Yes I do get the joy of seeing our patients progress. That is a huge reward but at the end of the day is anyone going to remember that I have finished all the stack of crap that I brought with me tonight to complete. NOPE! and well H-E-double hockey sticks NO! So it is okay if for the next so many days before we go that I have a case of the "I don't wannas!" I will try to stay focused but all I really want to do is look at pictures of Alaska and dream about all of the possibilities! I can't wait to just be in a place that holds the promise of past dreams and new adventures.

I wish so many things and I know that my heart knows the truth. I know where I am supposed to be. The universe is in motion. God has a plan for me. I can't let my own craziness get in the way. However, I must make sure I've got it all. I'm not sure I will be able to find a Wal-mart in Denali National Park. Now how many bags will they let me take on the plane? Yes I really will have to do laundry on a cruise ship because jeans just don't get that small in the suitcase. There are more people I wish I could take with us but I hope you know you are there in my heart. So tonight I morn the loss once again of my love as I try to keep living forward and focus on the positive in my life. I know what is right for me! I know I will make it in each day but just this month has so many things to regret. Next week is Scott's birthday then what is our first wedding anniversary! In my heart it will always be our day. We may not have been together physically but in my heart and soul that is our day. I can't stop the tears but they help me live forward each day.

Ah Ha Moments

"Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keep you strong, Sorrows keep you human, Failures keep you humble, Success keep you glowing, But only God can keep you going."


I borrowed this from a friend's FB status tonight. There are so many things to comment on in that one statement. I can truly say this - I want to stay sweet, strong, humble, glowing and Going. I don't think I have a choice about being human! It's not my time to go yet so I going. I didn't write over the weekend because I feel like sometimes I don't have anything to say but more importantly that I don't want to say anything.  In all my memories of my life with Scott we could talk for hours or sit in silence. I miss the silence too. I miss listening to his heart beat when I'm falling asleep or just reaching out to touch for no reason just to say I'm here when our paths crossed during the day. 


Over the weekend I left the house once. I talked to Betsy for an hour on the phone. I played a bit of Frontierville but I mainly read. I spent hours floating and reading. I finished two books and I felt like Scott was with me all weekend. Not pushing me but making sure I am okay. That I'm an surrounded by light and love. I hope whomever joins my life someday is okay with my protective ghost. I guess if he isn't then that's not going to be the person for me. My ex-husband's wife lost her fiance/husband and Mike always says he feels him around and strange things happen. That makes me smile because Mike is a great guy and I'm very lucky to share our daughter with him.


It was a rough afternoon dropping Hannah off for Driver's Ed. Then the universe sent me someone who understands! Why is it there is always  someone right there when I least expect it? I know the answer because I asked to be surrounded by light and love. Driving was a big deal for Scott and Hannah. He was teaching her because he loves her too! I'm not so good tonight without her but I'm trying. Tonight I feel lost but I am strong. One of the books I read this weekend was yes of course one of my romance novels but not in the normal way. It hit on so many things that is my life right now. Coping with loss, learning to trust and having an open heart to love. We all make choices in life that make us stronger. In that book one of the characters says:


‎"Sometimes rules are good things, but sometimes they blind us to the possibilities."


I understand that so much more then I used to. I set so many rules on my life that I was lost. Scott understood being together and letting things happen when they were supposed to happen. I miss learning and loving so much. I know that I have rules for myself that don't always make sense. I know I'm not the only one in life that does this but sometimes it is okay to find a way to make a rule work in your favor! I know there are things I need to keep changing and growing. I know I have so much more to offer in this life but I can't do that if my rules keep me stuck inside of myself. 


I tried to hide from writing this weekend and it hasn't worked. It made me more upset and the panic attacks started this morning. This blog helps me leave my crazy thoughts somewhere or just throw them out never to be see again. There are times when I will revisit or the same things comes up again but this has become my way of growing and finding ways around the rules. I want to stay sweet, strong, humble, human, glowing and going! I can make it because I have learned how to ask God for guidance and protection. I love how it happens and you don't even realize it until later during an ah ha moment! 

It's just stuck!

"Hurting goes away. Love Never! Loving is the greatest gift the good Lord gave us. Don't waste it, not for a moment!" - Castoffs episode of Little House on the Prairie''

I seem to be getting or picking up on this message of love these days. I don't know why. It's not like I'm doing anything different then I do. I've seen this episode of Little House before first run (makes me feel old to say that) and then I'm sure in my darling daughter's obsessive watching of television programs over and over I've seen it again since she owns most of the series. It just struck me as strange when this message keeps being sent. It's not like I'm going to forget it but there must be something I need to keep learning or something I'm supposed to say to help someone else learn. I don't know most of the time I just feel like a messenger as I type. The words come from somewhere other then my head. They just flow out through my fingers and onto the screen.

I've never had a plan each night of what to say. I just have something that has stuck with me or popped out as the message for the day. For the last two days I've been singing the song "Are you gonna kiss me or not" by Thompson Square. It is STUCK and driving me nuts. I can only think of one other thing that is stuck worse then this song and sadly even the song won't over ride it! I won't go into details but let's just say I'm okay because it makes me smile. The songs and jokes are far better then the images I've had to work out of my head so I know I can't complain.

There are moments when I really get upset not because I can't have my life the way I want. I get upset at people that take life for granted, gripe and complain over all kinds of stuff. Today, I know I made the day of someone else because I smiled and people smiled back. I solved problems and forgot about my own. The only thing I need to be careful about is forgetting to do the important things for myself like eat. I didn't notice until after 4 that I needed to eat. So I stopped and got my solitary take out. I'm not complaining because I came home with a smile. I know I'm not alone. I know I have friends who watch out for me even from a distance. I'm at peace floating in the pool reading my book. Now my gardener guy needs to come on with removing my dead palm trees though. I can see in the growth from last year where Scott cut them off and they grew last summer. I do wish now they had lived but I think at one point I prayed that they went away. The old adage must be true! "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true!"

Right now I know what I am wishing for and surprisingly it would shock many of you to know that it doesn't have to do with Scott. I know I can't wish him back but I can make wishes for my future. I continue my daily prayer and each day I know that one comes true. I feel wrapped in a bubble of light and love. I know I survive because I make a difference each day to someone else even if it is just in my smile!

365 Days of Everlasting Love

It has taken me 14 months since Scott's death to write 365 posts! Today marks the "year" of posting in actual numbers. I can tell you for me it has given me great strength, courage and love to share openly what it feels like to have your life ripped out from under you with nothing to fill the void. It is up to me to keep living forward but I have been very lucky to have been "gently forced" to find a way to do that. I know I am always surrounded by the light and love of God and Scott. Some people might find it offensive if I admit that Scott's love means more not because I think he is higher then God. No certainly not the case but because I know God sends his love always but because I have a very intimate relationship with Scott I believe talking to him sends the messages on to God easier. I can only believe that I will someday be held in his arms in our castle.

Until that time, however, I get to keep living my journey forward. I know loving will be possible. I know love has no boundaries or limits. My heart has love for another and I will know when I am no longer afraid of that possibility. It will happen as my friend Betsy says, "when you are where you are supposed to be!"  Tonight I am where I am supposed to be. My first night of a summer of many nights alone. I'm glad I have Jazzy here to run crazy looking for her favorite love, Hannah. I am prepared to spend time here in my place of peace because I am where I am supposed to be.

I also know that each of you is in my life for a reason and that is more precious to  me then I can ever have enough words to share. I have truly been blessed from God above to wrap me in the love from each of you. I know that if I become frightened, alone, lonely or sad I can reach out and someone will catch me. I am truly not alone in this world. I will continue on my path each day for the rest of my life. My grief will never be complete until I can cross that bridge but how I learn and grow from my journey is up to me. The time has passed and here I find myself looking forward more then behind. I still have tears each day but they are tears of joy at the love I have known and will always know. My heart was given a gift in the love I receive still from Scott that I want to share with another someday. I would be selfish to build a brick wall surrounded by a moat for my love to grow cold and dark. That isn't who I am.

I embrace the possibility that there will be a time when I am "where I am supposed to be" for me to share my heart once again as deeply and truly as I know I am capable. So for now I keep my daily prayers going, not just for myself but for others who touch my life each day! Thank you for loving me even when I didn't know it was possible to live forward. When those were just words that helped me cover up the deep gaping hole in my heart. Love is the most important thing in this world. Without it we have no meaning. So what are you waiting for go tell someone you love them even if they already know it! You can't take money or things with you to the other side of the bridge but love is everlasting when it is done the right way!

Love is Sacred

"Love without marriage is still a sacred thing and unlike wedlock it is not dissolved by death." BBC movie Cranford


Well I guess it is almost officially summertime. Hannah leaves on Thursday. We get a week together in the middle of the summer on our cruise and I'm so excited about that! I dread being alone though the rest of the time. I will make it though just like I survived last night after a really bad day.  Today was better for my attitude after being slammed yesterday. I think I will make it this summer because it is honestly the only choice I have. Just when I think I have finished most of the firsts I can do I realized that I will be left alone most of the summer. Last summer I was very sheltered and protected. I do believe I will be missing that feeling. Who knows maybe I can try something I've never done before. 


I think though I will be catching up on my Netflix library. That is exactly what I've been doing this evening after a busy crazy day. I may have to move spots on the couch so I don't wear it out. I have a huge variety in my movie tastes. Tonight it was "Return to Cranford"! Hannah and Scott used to laugh at my BBC movies when I was watching but then get sucked in and anxiously await the next segment to arrive in the mail.  I'm not one who just sits and watches (except in deep depression). I'm always doing something else too. So this quote really caught me by surprise and interrupted all other thoughts I was having. 


It is very true. It wouldn't have mattered if we had ever said the formal "I do's" because the love we share can't be removed by death. That love we share doesn't mean that I'm incapable of loving another though. Like I have said before Scott's place in my heart is his. I still miss him everyday but I also have found that smiling and flirting with someone else doesn't change the love I have with Scott. I have this one patient who keeps trying to marry me off. Twice now he has asked me if the gentleman I was with (different visitors to the facility each time) if that was my husband. When I say no, my husband died in a car accident he tells me "that's to bad you need to be married. You need to be loved."  It is cute but I know with all my heart that marriage isn't the answer to love. 


Love happens when you least expect it. That is a good thing. I may be afraid to step off into the love but I know that seems to be a problem with so many others. I can honestly tell you that I find those moments of happiness are lurking off to the side. Someday I may be brave enough to grab for it again when I least expect it! I'm also great with knowing that Love isn't dissolved with death! Not just the love of my other half but all kinds of love! My Dad, Grams, Aunts, all those who have crossed the bridge I still have the love for them that I know they share with me. It's ok! I love you! Yes so very true!