It has taken me 14 months since Scott's death to write 365 posts! Today marks the "year" of posting in actual numbers. I can tell you for me it has given me great strength, courage and love to share openly what it feels like to have your life ripped out from under you with nothing to fill the void. It is up to me to keep living forward but I have been very lucky to have been "gently forced" to find a way to do that. I know I am always surrounded by the light and love of God and Scott. Some people might find it offensive if I admit that Scott's love means more not because I think he is higher then God. No certainly not the case but because I know God sends his love always but because I have a very intimate relationship with Scott I believe talking to him sends the messages on to God easier. I can only believe that I will someday be held in his arms in our castle.
Until that time, however, I get to keep living my journey forward. I know loving will be possible. I know love has no boundaries or limits. My heart has love for another and I will know when I am no longer afraid of that possibility. It will happen as my friend Betsy says, "when you are where you are supposed to be!" Tonight I am where I am supposed to be. My first night of a summer of many nights alone. I'm glad I have Jazzy here to run crazy looking for her favorite love, Hannah. I am prepared to spend time here in my place of peace because I am where I am supposed to be.
I also know that each of you is in my life for a reason and that is more precious to me then I can ever have enough words to share. I have truly been blessed from God above to wrap me in the love from each of you. I know that if I become frightened, alone, lonely or sad I can reach out and someone will catch me. I am truly not alone in this world. I will continue on my path each day for the rest of my life. My grief will never be complete until I can cross that bridge but how I learn and grow from my journey is up to me. The time has passed and here I find myself looking forward more then behind. I still have tears each day but they are tears of joy at the love I have known and will always know. My heart was given a gift in the love I receive still from Scott that I want to share with another someday. I would be selfish to build a brick wall surrounded by a moat for my love to grow cold and dark. That isn't who I am.
I embrace the possibility that there will be a time when I am "where I am supposed to be" for me to share my heart once again as deeply and truly as I know I am capable. So for now I keep my daily prayers going, not just for myself but for others who touch my life each day! Thank you for loving me even when I didn't know it was possible to live forward. When those were just words that helped me cover up the deep gaping hole in my heart. Love is the most important thing in this world. Without it we have no meaning. So what are you waiting for go tell someone you love them even if they already know it! You can't take money or things with you to the other side of the bridge but love is everlasting when it is done the right way!
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