Movie Magic

It is the little steps in life that suddenly seem to add up to the big things. My bedroom is very much unchanged from all those months ago. Sure my clothes are in different places and Scott's side of the bed is a pile of pillows and Buzz Lightyears but his things are just as he left them. I may move things at times but I haven't been able to let his things go. Tonight I was loading digital copies of videos onto my computer so I went in and picked up the stack that were by our TV in the bedroom. It still had the last movie on top that we had given Laynie for Easter just where he had left it. I found something on the bottom of the stack that I had never seen, a movie he must have bought the same day he picked up Blindside. They are both unopened. For our last Christmas together we bought a TV and BlueRay player for our room. It is funny now because the TV rarely goes on now. But I was proud of myself for taking movies we had watched together and finally copying the digital versions to  my laptop. It really is the small things. The memories can be overwhelming but I am proud of myself for doing what I can when I can do it and not worrying about others expectations of where I should be.

I know because I listen to what I can do for myself that I won't be at the end of my life having regrets of how I should have handled this entire situation. I was blessed last evening with a phone call from Scott's mom. Yesterday was her birthday and even though I saw her off and on all day, she called me to tell me that she is blessed to have me in her life. I am proud to honor Scott by loving his mother the way he loved her. Scott and I may not have been together years but our lives were where they were supposed to be. Who would have known that Scott would need me to stay behind to help care for her. I am blessed to know that my prayers are answered each day. I am surrounded by light and love. I hope that when my day comes to cross the bridge into the arms of my love that I will leave behind as much love and I will receive.

I spent the day with Hannah. I'm so grateful that Mike and I can share her time and be wonderful parents for her. Yesterday she also told me thank you. That she is happy we have grown together. I know Scott's death has contributed to a very large part of our relationship. I know we would have gotten there but maybe not as quickly. I love her dearly and don't know where I would be without her. Now my evening is very quiet but Netflix helps. My movie queue is very melancholy these days. I guess I need to find some lighthearted classic movies to put a pep in my step, maybe some Doris Day! 

Eventually I will reach a point when it matters that my bedroom is full of Scott's things but for now it isn't like I need the space and I'm the only one who goes in there for the most part. It doesn't stress me out as much as the thought of clearing it all out. One day I will do more then move things about but I'm proud of the fact that I want to watch movies we picked together. I'm growing, learning and living forward. When the time is right I will make more little steps because that is how I got here! The world moves so fast sometimes but stopping to look around at where I am and feeling that there will be a point when I feel the time is right to do more. I don't have a choice but to take each memory I was given and live forward. If that means I find a bit a magic in a stack of movies then I'm where I'm supposed to be for this moment.