Reflection on Father's Day

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." ~C.S. Lewis

Father's Day has always been a time of reflection for me. Today even more so because I choose to be home alone. I haven't been alone on Father's Day since my Dad died and most certainly not last year after Scott died. Today my reflection has been on other's not so much myself. My Mom and I talked briefly about being the one to watch your child deal with the loss of the other parent and the helpless feeling you have. I understand both sides of the coin, to be the one to lose a parent but to watch as my child lost a parent. We lost Dad, truthfully, when I was 16 but he was still physically here until I was 30. It was never the same so that made the grieving process seem never ending. Then to watch as my beautiful daughter and step-daughter lost Scott. I feel helpless for them both in my own grief yes but that I know what I feel and I hate for them to have to do the same things at such very young ages.

I understand so much about grief that I want to shout from the roof top that it isn't fair yet because I do understand it gives me the power to reach out my hand and say "I understand" and be the friend that can offer a quiet hand. I know in my continuing journey my Mother understands but still feels helpless. There are still so many things I hide from the outside world that I do silently in my own space. Grief is more then stages it is an ongoing journey. Sometimes I feel as if it is what they say to a person with an addiction, "You must face it daily." Some people never face the grief demon or learn how to live again. I don't want to be that person.

I may be turning another year older in two weeks and faced more in my years then most people see in a lifetime but that doesn't mean I'm too old to dream another dream, find a new goal.  I have been fighting against God without even realizing some days but here I am the friend that understands while yet another friend faces loss in life. This has been a source of many thoughts and reflection today. Maybe I can have dreams of my own but I need to accept the journey God has also chosen for me. In my own grief there will be a way to take my own sadness and teach others how to find happiness and live forward. How do I do that? I keep letting the words flow from my fingers onto the screen and pray that I am making a difference in a life that still has to learn to live forward one day at a time. God may take people from our lives but he leaves with us their spirit and love in our hearts and memories. It is okay to find happiness in the tears and pain. I have my dream but I need to learn to incorporate God's dream into my own.