Ah Ha Moments

"Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keep you strong, Sorrows keep you human, Failures keep you humble, Success keep you glowing, But only God can keep you going."


I borrowed this from a friend's FB status tonight. There are so many things to comment on in that one statement. I can truly say this - I want to stay sweet, strong, humble, glowing and Going. I don't think I have a choice about being human! It's not my time to go yet so I going. I didn't write over the weekend because I feel like sometimes I don't have anything to say but more importantly that I don't want to say anything.  In all my memories of my life with Scott we could talk for hours or sit in silence. I miss the silence too. I miss listening to his heart beat when I'm falling asleep or just reaching out to touch for no reason just to say I'm here when our paths crossed during the day. 


Over the weekend I left the house once. I talked to Betsy for an hour on the phone. I played a bit of Frontierville but I mainly read. I spent hours floating and reading. I finished two books and I felt like Scott was with me all weekend. Not pushing me but making sure I am okay. That I'm an surrounded by light and love. I hope whomever joins my life someday is okay with my protective ghost. I guess if he isn't then that's not going to be the person for me. My ex-husband's wife lost her fiance/husband and Mike always says he feels him around and strange things happen. That makes me smile because Mike is a great guy and I'm very lucky to share our daughter with him.


It was a rough afternoon dropping Hannah off for Driver's Ed. Then the universe sent me someone who understands! Why is it there is always  someone right there when I least expect it? I know the answer because I asked to be surrounded by light and love. Driving was a big deal for Scott and Hannah. He was teaching her because he loves her too! I'm not so good tonight without her but I'm trying. Tonight I feel lost but I am strong. One of the books I read this weekend was yes of course one of my romance novels but not in the normal way. It hit on so many things that is my life right now. Coping with loss, learning to trust and having an open heart to love. We all make choices in life that make us stronger. In that book one of the characters says:


‎"Sometimes rules are good things, but sometimes they blind us to the possibilities."


I understand that so much more then I used to. I set so many rules on my life that I was lost. Scott understood being together and letting things happen when they were supposed to happen. I miss learning and loving so much. I know that I have rules for myself that don't always make sense. I know I'm not the only one in life that does this but sometimes it is okay to find a way to make a rule work in your favor! I know there are things I need to keep changing and growing. I know I have so much more to offer in this life but I can't do that if my rules keep me stuck inside of myself. 


I tried to hide from writing this weekend and it hasn't worked. It made me more upset and the panic attacks started this morning. This blog helps me leave my crazy thoughts somewhere or just throw them out never to be see again. There are times when I will revisit or the same things comes up again but this has become my way of growing and finding ways around the rules. I want to stay sweet, strong, humble, human, glowing and going! I can make it because I have learned how to ask God for guidance and protection. I love how it happens and you don't even realize it until later during an ah ha moment!