Next of Kin

Home sweet home. I have placed my phone in airplane mode. If it's really important they can email me or wait until tomorrow. But everyone knows facebook is the way to go. The heat is getting to me and I'm trying to stop an MS attack at the beginning. Maybe I need to move to Alaska in the summer and winter here. My yard guy is here right now or else I'd be floating in the pool instead of hiding in the house. I'm not sure what it's going to take to reset my neuro system right now so I'll stick to rest and try to keep stress to a minimum. That's easier said then done. So let's see I'd like to cancel all Sundays, erase most of June and seven days in July. Is everyone good with that? I do believe that would keep my brain craziness a bit less. Oh wait I have a better idea - can I just make a yearly appointment from now until the end of my life for June to be my time to check into a mental health facility?

The feelings of Scott being around have been very few the past week. The radio has been quiet, no crazy pipe noises and the tv well behaved. That is until this am. I know I asked for it yesterday when I asked for dreams of love. He was there and he sure has powerful messages when I need them. Then I start the car and Martina McBride "My Valentine" began. Not in the middle either, I had to hear the entire song. Nothing like sitting in the drive crying. The things isi don't think I can communicate enough that I know he's gone and I am living forward but because of my life with him and the loss I'm a different person.

I don't sit around pining and being the martyr. I want a life. I want to keep living. My work friend that lost her husband and I was with her is living forward with her new husband. They are so cute together. I'm not saying I'm diving into that yet. Hannah comes first but there will be a time not to far away when she won't need me to make her first. I can honestly say that scares me more then living forward from Scott's death. I like who I am and I'm changed but that's a good thing. I still don't have all the answers for myself and I doubt I ever will but I'm willing to step outside my comfort zone to keep growing. I'm willing to reshape my rules of the way my life is. I am NOT, however, willing to change my crazy food rules. That will be the true test of the right future for me - someone who let's me be me -someday!!!

Today at my appointment I had to make changes to my next of kin. The last thing I had done was an MRI with Scott present. He was still listed as my next of kin. Do you know how painful it was to watch the girl mark him off my paperwork. My Mom is still my emergency contact but there is no one in that next of kin spot - she's not old enough yet. Is there going to be a time with these things stop happening? Is there going to be a time I don't have tears everyday? I don't know the answers but I know I keep asking to be surrounded by light and love and I continue to be wrapped in my protective bubble. I completed the smashing good time today. It will be negative because I have more life to live and more love to give.