Entitlement

Let's see, I cried putting on my wedding rings, I cried thinking about my birthday, I cried thinking about Hannah being gone for two weeks, I cried at the dentist's office, I cried driving to work, does that equal enough tears. No well then there was the shower, watering plants, I think I'm done for the day. Time for mind numbing television and comfort food. It is amazing what a routine does for me.

The funny thing is a routine started the crying this morning. I reached to put on my wedding rings when I slid them onto my left hand without even thinking about it. I consciously switched them months ago. I don't even think about putting them on my right hand but then suddenly today was backwards. I realized what I had done, sat down on the bed and sobbed. I guess life caught up to me again. I think I will forever be entitled to these moments. Even though I am so far from where all this began, I think I get to feel the pain. I'm okay with the moments of pain when they are moments. When it is an entire day I don't know how to handle that anymore. I've gotten used to joy, smiles and laughter. 

Maybe it is the moon? Maybe it is the heat? Maybe it is the inability to sleep? Maybe it is finally coming down from the power and magnitude of Alaska? Maybe it is the realization that I celebrated another birthday without the fuss Scott used to make? I tend to think it is just a big combo of it all. That's okay I believe it is one of the few spots in life where a person has earned the power of entitlement. That entitlement ends if I keep in the same path for longer then this day. I'm working on getting myself out of the mood though. Nothing like the fluff of living in the Big Brother house and Mint Oreo cookies. Now some real laughter with Drew Carey Improv-a-ganza! Laughter always solves my sadness!!! 

Freedom and Waiting

I give myself the gift of freedom from the past, and move with joy into the now. - Louise L. Hay


"The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for." - unknown




Today didn't start out the best. Not like I had hoped for yesterday. I had the craziest nightmares last night. I woke up about every two hours in fright, flight or tears. It's not easy starting a day that held so much promise that way. The only dream I recall is being held captive in my home with my friends little girl, some cats and Scott by people we couldn't see. The house was under constant surveillance and we had tasks to do to earn freedoms. It was odd to feel so trapped in a life that wasn't right. Hey that sounds somewhat familiar. Maybe I was trying to find answers in my sleep. I just wish it wasn't with so little sleep.


I'm ready to give myself the freedom from the past and move into joy. I think I've been doing this without even noticing because somewhere in today I found smiles, laughter and fun. I can't believe this day actually turned around. It wasn't what I was looking forward to but somehow it was different but it worked. It is amazing how much different life can be when you grant yourself permission to live. I'm making it and I never thought I would be able to say that. I like that I did look forward to today. It didn't make it quite to where I wanted but it was still good. I like to know that I can smile with other people. I like to know I am living and it doesn't take much effort like it used to. 


Hey maybe those daily prayers are working. I'm getting stronger then I even knew was possible. Surround me with Your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way! I'm finding my way! Now I guess I have to know that waiting continues to make me stronger too! 

Looking Forward to Tomorrow

Wow what a day. It seems like there are days that just don't stop with craziness but then smack dab in the middle of the day is a moment of complete quiet. That happened today. I don't know how or why but I was swamped as is when returning back to work after taking a vacation. I love that feeling of having things to do, a purpose, a place to be. When suddenly this afternoon the world that is my office was completely silent. I took a moment to reflect. It certainly pays to take the those moments we are handed when you least expect them.

Then I take the leap right back into life. It seems like I don't have a choice to stop living. So with that in mind I think it is important to find the moments of fun. I know I can work really hard for the rest of my life but I can't live life focused on something that doesn't really give love back. I do my job but I can't and won't just let my job become the only focal point I have in life. It is really hard though when I come home to an empty house. Hannah has her life and I have to face that my life is constantly in change.

I think I'm learning to deal with that change. I'm not saying I'm good at facing it all the time but I'm trying. I think interjecting fun into my life is the best way to keep coping with the moments that overwhelm me. I have to admit they continue to be fewer. I remember the times when it was nonstop and now I can say I have had days of smiles without tears. I can also say it is ok to have the moments I go from tears to smiles. Today was one of those days but I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It has been a long time since I've been able to say that I'm looking forward to a tomorrow.

The Future

I don't even know where to begin after so long. I have to say that this was a trip of a lifetime! BUT!!! yes that was a large one! There were people I missed being gone for so long. I have just been sorting through pictures this evening and I realized there were photos I took for specific people in mind when I took them. Now I just hope those people recognize the ones that were for them.

I think this is a huge step for me during this trip. I know Scott is always with me but for me to recognize the importance of the connections of the people and relationships with the living is very big. I think I have made huge strides in the last 12 days. Now if I can keep that up I am where I am supposed to be in this moment in time. It is funny because today I was talking to a friend about the trip and was specifically asked what I did on my birthday. I have to say I freely admit that I hid for most of the day. My  Mom found me and Hannah found me but I was able to find nooks and crannies on the ship to sit, read and look at the miles of vistas passing by. I also took a nice nap and after dinner spoiled myself with a massage and facial.

This trip wasn't meant to cure me of what I still feel but it did help me heal a lot more. I can say my life is getting easier. I am making more steps and in a place I'd never thought I'd be. I am living life with Scott tucked in my heart for always but I can keep going. I can keep growing. The sadness is much less and my heart feels joy and promise. I know there is more in my future and I will keep growing. I wasn't able to blog each day because service was spotty and expensive on the ship. I do think I will go back to Alaska. There is more to see. I said I believe I have found the place I should be. People think I'm kidding but I fell in love with Ketchikan, Alaska! I may just have to visit and like our guide still be there "visiting" 15 years later! Who knows time will tell me when I am in the place I am supposed to be!

Now back to sorting through the 2000+ pictures and find the perfect way to make them shine in our scrapbook. Maybe someday I will catch up! Hmm sounds like a great project for a snowy Alaskan day sometime in the future! Who knows!

The Moment

My life is a bunch of photos these days is a bunch of photos but that's all good because I have many new memories to go along with the albums. Today I can say that it is my life. I still feel him everywhere. Hannah and I walked into a shop and "Blue Skies" was playing. It will all be good. I'm making it through this trip. I am where I'm supposed to be.

Tomorrow will a short day at Icy Point or Hoonan as the locals say. For me it will be a not leave the ship kind of day. Life. What can I say about my own when I'm surrounded by all of this majestic scenery. This is my life and at this is where I'm supposed to be for the moment.

Let's keep exploring Alaska because soon vacation will be over and I will have to face my own life alone. It will be okay because I don't have to think about it right now. I'm living in the moment!!

Vistas and Views

This trip has been one awe inspiring moment after another. Yesterday we cruised into the bay where Hubbard Glacier resides. We were treated to sights and sounds of the glacier caving. When we pulled in the captain came over the loud speaker and announced the two days prior there was no ice floating in the bay. He turned us to the port side and we spent two hours watching mostly in silence from my balcony. Sometimes we would be told to yell out while Captain Claus blew the horn. Right after the last one a piece of the glacier fell. It was about 7 stories tall at least. As we left he announced in all his years we were very lucky to see one that large.

Now we have arrived in Juneau. This is a very small place only accessible by boat or seaplane. Hannah and I are currently sitting on top of Mt Roberts eating lunch. Crab cakes and dungeness crab with another spectacular view. I wonder if I lived here if the views would just be old hat. This trip has proven to me that I have a ways to go but I have come so far. Last night in the dining room all dressed to the nines a Willie Nelson musax version was playing overhead. Scott's here with me in spirit.

And on another note my beautiful 15 year old draws a lot of attention. I'm glad she doesn't notice or she would be super self conscious. Last night we were doing group family photos and the photographers kept singling her out for individual photos. I'm so excited for more of this trip. Tomorrow we sail to Skagway and board the steam train for a ride into the Yukon. Each day has been amazing. Today isn't over yet we will be boarding our private whale watching tour just for this family. And shock and aw I hiked on Mt Roberts today. Nature girl maybe.

Majestic Mt. McKinley

What a day yesterday. How can I ever find words to describe what Hannah and I experienced yesterday. To see the top of the highest peak in North America from an airplane with the sun shining brilliantly. I reached as close to God and Scott I can get. The love the magic the brilliance. I have been blessed.

Hannah and I were the only two who received this gift from our travel group. There were originally 22 people signed up on the flight but they all cancelled when they couldn't do the glacier landing. For me the glacier landing would have been nice but I got what I needed out of the flight. I am blessed. Hannah is blessed.

When we met the tour guide this morning, Cam was all smiles. He looked at Hannah and I and said "you too won!" He told us how lucky we were. The storms yesterday around the mountain were bad. We flew around them and felt God! That is the only way I can explain yesterday. I know I have a life to live and wow is all I can say. When I decide to do something it just seems to happen.

Today we have traveled back to Anchorage by motor coach to catch the train to Seward where we will board the ship. Next stop Hubbard Glacier and at day at sea! I love how complete I feel in my own skin for a change. I'd forgotten who this person is. Onward and upward I've got more journey to travel.