Entitlement

Let's see, I cried putting on my wedding rings, I cried thinking about my birthday, I cried thinking about Hannah being gone for two weeks, I cried at the dentist's office, I cried driving to work, does that equal enough tears. No well then there was the shower, watering plants, I think I'm done for the day. Time for mind numbing television and comfort food. It is amazing what a routine does for me.

The funny thing is a routine started the crying this morning. I reached to put on my wedding rings when I slid them onto my left hand without even thinking about it. I consciously switched them months ago. I don't even think about putting them on my right hand but then suddenly today was backwards. I realized what I had done, sat down on the bed and sobbed. I guess life caught up to me again. I think I will forever be entitled to these moments. Even though I am so far from where all this began, I think I get to feel the pain. I'm okay with the moments of pain when they are moments. When it is an entire day I don't know how to handle that anymore. I've gotten used to joy, smiles and laughter. 

Maybe it is the moon? Maybe it is the heat? Maybe it is the inability to sleep? Maybe it is finally coming down from the power and magnitude of Alaska? Maybe it is the realization that I celebrated another birthday without the fuss Scott used to make? I tend to think it is just a big combo of it all. That's okay I believe it is one of the few spots in life where a person has earned the power of entitlement. That entitlement ends if I keep in the same path for longer then this day. I'm working on getting myself out of the mood though. Nothing like the fluff of living in the Big Brother house and Mint Oreo cookies. Now some real laughter with Drew Carey Improv-a-ganza! Laughter always solves my sadness!!!