My Side of the Bed

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
       - Eleanor Roosevelt


I must do the one thing I can't do. So really am I ready to do to one thing I am most fearful of doing? The one thing I think that I cannot do? I can't answer that question yet.  I try to sleep in the middle of the bed sprawled out how I used to be. I didn't have a problem with it after Mike and I divorced but yet I'm afraid of taking over my bed. I guess if I do it means that I have to move on in other parts of my life. That I have to be willing to put his things all the way away in boxes in storage until Laynie and I can go through them when she is older. 


Maybe just sleeping on my side means I can still feel him sharing the bed with me. Maybe it means I don't really have to put myself out there and really live life. I'm not even sure what that means. I think I live but my life is just not how it was. I still feel empty. I try to explore and have fun but it is all just so very different now then it used to be. I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that my life isn't how it was supposed to be according to me. Apparently, God forgot to clue me in to what he really wanted. I did learn how to really love. I did learn how to truly share my heart. I did learn how to be a better friend and love. 


I still have to learn how to keep going and not be so very isolated. I have gotten really good at telling others exactly what they want to hear. I've gotten really good at finding ways to get out of doing things. It would amaze you all if I confessed a few things. I must say having friends who have their own personal demons makes me fit right in. I will be great one day I will conquer the things I think I cannot do! For now I'm exactly right where I am supposed to be on my side of the bed with Scott's pillows filling in for him physically. Emotionally he will be here always. Protecting me, guiding me and showing me the way. I just wish he wasn't so forceful in some of his messages. I will get there when my timing feels right!