Horrible Meal

I've had enough. Today I'm done and going to call it. I don't know what else to do. I looked up jobs and licensure laws in Alaska! I'm really serious about this. I'm sick of this half life. Scott didn't leave me on purpose and he certainly wouldn't want me to be sitting around crying, making myself sick and just getting by. I need to make some very large decisions. I keep joking that I have three years to do that but somehow my life is telling me I need to do that sooner.

I realized something very hard today! I'm trying for all the wrong reasons. I am so true to myself and have been for the last few years. Even before Scott died. I don't pretend to be anything that I'm not and I reached of a point of being comfortable in my own skin. That is why I have been so free with all of my emotions in my blog. I am who I am but I have to find a better reason to keep living forward.

Somehow somewhere I will find where I belong but this isn't it anymore. I'm in a house surrounded by memories that have comforted me. I live in a place that I can't go anywhere without seeing Scott everywhere. It happened today in a restaurant I have been in once with Scott. I sat in my spot staring at the place we sat and all this came flooding back. An entire conversation. I was done. I faked my way through the meal. I don't like it and I can't do it anymore. I need to stop living this way.

The only good part and the only reason I was able to even attempt to stay focused was because of my two friends. I'm so good at pretending to live but it's not fair to the others in my life. I can't keep going this way. I went back to my desk and my stomach went nuts. I didn't keep going. I came home and collapsed in my bed. I hate that I keep trying and somehow I get thrown a curve I wasn't expecting. I'm tired of fighting to keep going. Today I have no words of wisdom and with this I'm going back to my bed where I have been since 3 pm today!