It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.
- Irish proverb
Yesterday we were at Band Registration with Hannah when we laughing about how many people it takes to raise one child. Hannah has the best support system of the entire world. She is surrounded by the shelter of people that help her live. I miss those days of my childhood where I was surrounded by that kind of shelter. I always knew the importance of my family shelter. They gave me who I have become in life. I know they continue to shelter me in my life and I keep living.
I want to keep living most of the time. It is hard to have breaks where I have to deal with my self alone. I try not to be melancholy I try to keep pushing forward. I know I have done that so far but then there are moments when I suddenly feel like this is it. I'm trying not to get into a rut. I want to live forward. I want to keep moving and growing but I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm not seeing something around me. I still have the shelter of my friends and family to keep me living. Something is missing that makes me feel whole.
I know I would never make a very good hermit though. I have to be around people even when I think I would be better off hiding. I need to find the right mix of elements of my life. Hmm I wonder if there is a Bartender's guide to mixing the life force to rocket me upwards and onwards. I know what you all say to me. I'm where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. But it would be nice to have a moment of where I don't feel like myself. I know the world works the same way with others and I'm not alone. I'm coping but bored. I am bored when I'm alone today. Fidgety, restless, pacing. That is not my normal self so I'm in a strange spot in my journey living forward.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Volunteering
"There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up."
- John Andrew Holmes Jr., American writer and minister
I love the moments where I can take my talents and skills and give back. I spent many years in my teen years and thousands of hours giving back through volunteering. St. John's Hospital in Joplin was the place where I learned what my goals in life were to be. Where I learned that giving time and energy to others without asking for anything in return is a huge gift to others. That is why I take my time to help in other areas. That is why I volunteer to help out with the Band Backers and support my daughter and the other kids as they learn to be leaders of our futures.
Those skills are taught from generation to generation. My efforts matter to lifting up our kids into a stronger tomorrow. My reward is the smiles and laughter at the end of a long day. A day filled with tiring tasks and lots of organization will make the next weeks all that much better. My reward is the joy and love I feel in my heart watching the magic of the music that flows through the kids. I know that at the end of day when my body is finished my heart is full. I know the magic of life is all about giving back even when I'm not at my best. It makes the day so much better. Another way to keep living forward. If you are at a low moment take the time to give back it will bring you out and fill your heart with love and life.
- John Andrew Holmes Jr., American writer and minister
I love the moments where I can take my talents and skills and give back. I spent many years in my teen years and thousands of hours giving back through volunteering. St. John's Hospital in Joplin was the place where I learned what my goals in life were to be. Where I learned that giving time and energy to others without asking for anything in return is a huge gift to others. That is why I take my time to help in other areas. That is why I volunteer to help out with the Band Backers and support my daughter and the other kids as they learn to be leaders of our futures.
Those skills are taught from generation to generation. My efforts matter to lifting up our kids into a stronger tomorrow. My reward is the smiles and laughter at the end of a long day. A day filled with tiring tasks and lots of organization will make the next weeks all that much better. My reward is the joy and love I feel in my heart watching the magic of the music that flows through the kids. I know that at the end of day when my body is finished my heart is full. I know the magic of life is all about giving back even when I'm not at my best. It makes the day so much better. Another way to keep living forward. If you are at a low moment take the time to give back it will bring you out and fill your heart with love and life.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Idle Hands
My life is my message.
- Mahatma Ghandi
I guess my message keeps going. Now I would hope that it will keep going even after my body has given up the ghost. I'm not sure how long my body is going to keep hanging around but I keep trying. So for today I keep living my message and hope that it means something to someone else. I'm not so sure most days. Even on the days Hannah gets all pouty and upset with me. I often wonder what I'm still hanging around for. I just keep trying I guess because when she's not around it just seems fruitless and like a bunch of busy work.
Okay back to what I'm working on to have busy work to do and not sit and overanalyze my life. I'm really great at that task!!! Just keep busy. Just keep busy! Come on Ella we've got letters to cut out! Idle hands and all that! Take a deep breath and quit thinking!!!
- Mahatma Ghandi
I guess my message keeps going. Now I would hope that it will keep going even after my body has given up the ghost. I'm not sure how long my body is going to keep hanging around but I keep trying. So for today I keep living my message and hope that it means something to someone else. I'm not so sure most days. Even on the days Hannah gets all pouty and upset with me. I often wonder what I'm still hanging around for. I just keep trying I guess because when she's not around it just seems fruitless and like a bunch of busy work.
Okay back to what I'm working on to have busy work to do and not sit and overanalyze my life. I'm really great at that task!!! Just keep busy. Just keep busy! Come on Ella we've got letters to cut out! Idle hands and all that! Take a deep breath and quit thinking!!!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Steadfastness
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
- James 1:24
Today the heat was my enemy and I listened to my body and rested. I know when it is right to stop and when I can push. Today if I pushed myself further it would have been worse for me in the long run. I missed out on something fun but I hope the offer gets a raincheck. I was doing some work things today when one of the phone calls came through. I was explaining the MS and how I just work around it but the heat is crazy. The guy I was talking to was in Ohio visiting and said I needed to summer in the North. His dad has medical issues so he got it. After almost 12 years I know the good and the bad. I know what it takes for me to be steadfast in my life.
I continue to focus on living and life. I like the moments of laughter and conversations that I don't like to end. I want to keep having a life. I continue to count all my joy even in my trials. I have received many ongoing tests of my faith but I have hope for the future because of my faith. I am thankful for the small moments of silly conversations, my beautiful daughter who knows only me with an illness. Who knows just what to do to help me through my bad days. I have so many blessings because of my faith. I matter to so many people and in my moments of trials I find the strength in the love that surrounds me.
- James 1:24
Today the heat was my enemy and I listened to my body and rested. I know when it is right to stop and when I can push. Today if I pushed myself further it would have been worse for me in the long run. I missed out on something fun but I hope the offer gets a raincheck. I was doing some work things today when one of the phone calls came through. I was explaining the MS and how I just work around it but the heat is crazy. The guy I was talking to was in Ohio visiting and said I needed to summer in the North. His dad has medical issues so he got it. After almost 12 years I know the good and the bad. I know what it takes for me to be steadfast in my life.
I continue to focus on living and life. I like the moments of laughter and conversations that I don't like to end. I want to keep having a life. I continue to count all my joy even in my trials. I have received many ongoing tests of my faith but I have hope for the future because of my faith. I am thankful for the small moments of silly conversations, my beautiful daughter who knows only me with an illness. Who knows just what to do to help me through my bad days. I have so many blessings because of my faith. I matter to so many people and in my moments of trials I find the strength in the love that surrounds me.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Quicksand Moments
"Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." ~John Steinbeck, 10 November 1958
Really? I have to disagree with this! Sometimes you don't get a choice. There are still things I regret. Things I wish we would have done faster but memories of the journey we shared that make things right in my life. Events that make me know sitting around with this healing crap is a pain. I know I'm better for taking my own time and not putting myself out there unless I can be in a good place to keep going BUT sometimes I'm not the best at taking life as it is given to me. It can all be gone in a heartbeat and left behind heartache.
Sometimes I ask myself why risk that again when I've known a slice of heaven. Then I realize I can wait around for a slice of heaven again. Except I keep thinking I don't want to be 86 and look back a life spent more alone then alive and living to the fullest. I don't think I'm living in a full moment. I reach out and find so much then for some reason I just can't.
I was looking for something earlier. I checked under the bed and what did I find? Some of Scott's fantasy football stuff. Just where he'd left it. Who ever looks under the bed? I don't very often but see what happens! I end up sitting on the floor flooded with memories. I know Scott and I didn't have the perfect relationship but it was perfect for us. Then I let my own doubts about us get pushed to the front. I'm just not very good at this living thing I guess. I still don't understand why "I'm where I'm supposed to be!"
I want that connection that feeling of belonging back. I want to be comforted and held. I want to know that the person I share laughter, tears, sorrow, joy and love feels the same. I don't know the future but I'm such a planner I want to look forward beyond today. I want to think about being 44, 50, 84 and know I've have love that is magical. Someday so for now I smile and live for the moments of special times with my friends that make me know I still matter and I'm not alone in this world.
This heat needs to stop soon because I'm feeling melancholy and blah! It reflects in my attitude and what I want to do. I have moments I look forward to and people I like interacting with on different levels. I hate it when those plans change at the last moment and I have to smile and pretend like it was all good. Then I have to find a way out of disappointment before I lead myself back down the wrong path. I just want to know if I really am a special person. I know it shouldn't matter but sometimes it is hard not to let myself go there. I'm grabbing the rope and dragging myself out of the quicksand before I sink to far back down.
Just keep swimming surrounded by light an love living forward. My life is a giant cliche'!!!! If want I want is the right thing for me it will happen when the time is right. Just too many things to worry about job, Hannah, friendships that I displace everything back to myself and internalize it all! I'm my own worst enemy! I guess it is okay to know myself well enough when I start with the crazy moments. I can do it yes I can!
Really? I have to disagree with this! Sometimes you don't get a choice. There are still things I regret. Things I wish we would have done faster but memories of the journey we shared that make things right in my life. Events that make me know sitting around with this healing crap is a pain. I know I'm better for taking my own time and not putting myself out there unless I can be in a good place to keep going BUT sometimes I'm not the best at taking life as it is given to me. It can all be gone in a heartbeat and left behind heartache.
Sometimes I ask myself why risk that again when I've known a slice of heaven. Then I realize I can wait around for a slice of heaven again. Except I keep thinking I don't want to be 86 and look back a life spent more alone then alive and living to the fullest. I don't think I'm living in a full moment. I reach out and find so much then for some reason I just can't.
I was looking for something earlier. I checked under the bed and what did I find? Some of Scott's fantasy football stuff. Just where he'd left it. Who ever looks under the bed? I don't very often but see what happens! I end up sitting on the floor flooded with memories. I know Scott and I didn't have the perfect relationship but it was perfect for us. Then I let my own doubts about us get pushed to the front. I'm just not very good at this living thing I guess. I still don't understand why "I'm where I'm supposed to be!"
I want that connection that feeling of belonging back. I want to be comforted and held. I want to know that the person I share laughter, tears, sorrow, joy and love feels the same. I don't know the future but I'm such a planner I want to look forward beyond today. I want to think about being 44, 50, 84 and know I've have love that is magical. Someday so for now I smile and live for the moments of special times with my friends that make me know I still matter and I'm not alone in this world.
This heat needs to stop soon because I'm feeling melancholy and blah! It reflects in my attitude and what I want to do. I have moments I look forward to and people I like interacting with on different levels. I hate it when those plans change at the last moment and I have to smile and pretend like it was all good. Then I have to find a way out of disappointment before I lead myself back down the wrong path. I just want to know if I really am a special person. I know it shouldn't matter but sometimes it is hard not to let myself go there. I'm grabbing the rope and dragging myself out of the quicksand before I sink to far back down.
Just keep swimming surrounded by light an love living forward. My life is a giant cliche'!!!! If want I want is the right thing for me it will happen when the time is right. Just too many things to worry about job, Hannah, friendships that I displace everything back to myself and internalize it all! I'm my own worst enemy! I guess it is okay to know myself well enough when I start with the crazy moments. I can do it yes I can!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Habits of Love
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
- Soren Kierkegaard
There could be no truer statement for me. I have to say I can see the pattern of my life looking in the rearview mirror. I wish I would have known then what I know now frequently floats through my head. Today in the office we were talking about things in relationships that drive us crazy. I was explaining Scott's terrible habit that drove Hannah and I nuts. I would do anything to hear that sound again. I don't have that option so I must say that I will take the knowledge of annoying habits and live forward.
Living forward means for me that if I find another love and he has habits that drive me nuts I will take the time to appreciate them and love him because of his faults! Each of our own lives is filled with mistakes and happiness that we would love to do over. I seem to be in a position that very few embrace. I may have lost the person I love, who knew me and still loved me because I can look back from those memories I can live forward.
I have grown so much in who I am. I have opened my heart up to living life and loving others. I know that I can be loved warts and all. Scott isn't the only one who can love me. I do love myself and I want to grumble and gripe about stuff and still love. Hey I guess for the next three years I will keep loving Hannah, empty soda cans, dirty clothes and all. Well you know in my eyes she will always be perfect. I know I have habits that drive her nuts. I know I have habits that drove Scott crazy but love was more powerful! For that I am thankful that I can look back and still live forward.
- Soren Kierkegaard
There could be no truer statement for me. I have to say I can see the pattern of my life looking in the rearview mirror. I wish I would have known then what I know now frequently floats through my head. Today in the office we were talking about things in relationships that drive us crazy. I was explaining Scott's terrible habit that drove Hannah and I nuts. I would do anything to hear that sound again. I don't have that option so I must say that I will take the knowledge of annoying habits and live forward.
Living forward means for me that if I find another love and he has habits that drive me nuts I will take the time to appreciate them and love him because of his faults! Each of our own lives is filled with mistakes and happiness that we would love to do over. I seem to be in a position that very few embrace. I may have lost the person I love, who knew me and still loved me because I can look back from those memories I can live forward.
I have grown so much in who I am. I have opened my heart up to living life and loving others. I know that I can be loved warts and all. Scott isn't the only one who can love me. I do love myself and I want to grumble and gripe about stuff and still love. Hey I guess for the next three years I will keep loving Hannah, empty soda cans, dirty clothes and all. Well you know in my eyes she will always be perfect. I know I have habits that drive her nuts. I know I have habits that drove Scott crazy but love was more powerful! For that I am thankful that I can look back and still live forward.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Welcome Ella
I put my own theories to the biggest test today! I took look at a new kitty to we came home with one. As I type this I have to keep moving Ella off my keyboard. She is snuggled under my chin and giving me unconditional love and I'm teary eyed. Imagine that. This is a very large step for me. Simba was my baby for so long and I am okay with giving this kitty love too. I'm in shock with myself that I have it in my to make it this far. It really does give me hope that I can fall in love again. Who knows maybe if I would quit fighting it and just let it happen I'd be amazed at what happens.
That is how Ella is for me. I quit fighting Hannah and just let it happen. Now my heart is a goner for Ella. I still love Simba but I'm good with still loving her and knowing my heart is big enough for Ella. As is my life I've been growing without even seeing it happen. My friends you all see it but why can't I until I'm past a step or leaping without even seeing it happen. I need to just stop with the road blocks and be open to life.
It is also time for Scott's fantasy football league of which I'm the commissioner. I love that we can continue to honor his memory in this way. Matt, Scott's best bud, reminded me tonight as he called about the league that I have to keep moving that I need to get to a point where this isn't Scott and my (our) house but my house. Matt told me at some point I have to move forward and live life. The league will always be about honoring Scott's life and his passion but I don't have to stop mine. How do I warrant such wise wonderful friends. I made the step to break out of my self imposed prison.
I love my new little girl. She has given me much joy in the hours she has been in MY home! I still know that no matter where I go or how I get there, if it is with another, Scott will rejoice because he only wants happiness for me. Tonight I'm happy being snuggled by my furbaby. Now maybe I can stop being so afraid of being loved by another. I'm not asking for a replacement but a continuation of my life and my heart. I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time!
That is how Ella is for me. I quit fighting Hannah and just let it happen. Now my heart is a goner for Ella. I still love Simba but I'm good with still loving her and knowing my heart is big enough for Ella. As is my life I've been growing without even seeing it happen. My friends you all see it but why can't I until I'm past a step or leaping without even seeing it happen. I need to just stop with the road blocks and be open to life.
It is also time for Scott's fantasy football league of which I'm the commissioner. I love that we can continue to honor his memory in this way. Matt, Scott's best bud, reminded me tonight as he called about the league that I have to keep moving that I need to get to a point where this isn't Scott and my (our) house but my house. Matt told me at some point I have to move forward and live life. The league will always be about honoring Scott's life and his passion but I don't have to stop mine. How do I warrant such wise wonderful friends. I made the step to break out of my self imposed prison.
I love my new little girl. She has given me much joy in the hours she has been in MY home! I still know that no matter where I go or how I get there, if it is with another, Scott will rejoice because he only wants happiness for me. Tonight I'm happy being snuggled by my furbaby. Now maybe I can stop being so afraid of being loved by another. I'm not asking for a replacement but a continuation of my life and my heart. I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time!
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