Quicksand Moments

"Don't worry about losing.  If it is right, it happens - The Main thing is not to hurry.  Nothing good gets away."  ~John Steinbeck, 10 November 1958





Really? I have to disagree with this! Sometimes you don't get a choice. There are still things I regret. Things I wish we would have done faster but memories of the journey we shared that make things right in my life. Events that make me know sitting around with this healing crap is a pain. I know I'm better for taking my own time and not putting myself out there unless I can be in a good place to keep going BUT sometimes I'm not the best at taking life as it is given to me. It can all be gone in a heartbeat and left behind heartache. 


Sometimes I ask myself why risk that again when I've known a slice of heaven. Then I realize I can wait around for a slice of heaven again. Except I keep thinking I don't want to be 86 and look back a life spent more alone then alive and living to the fullest. I don't think I'm living in a full moment. I reach out and find so much then for some reason I just can't. 


I was looking for something earlier. I checked under the bed and what did I find? Some of Scott's fantasy football stuff. Just where he'd left it. Who ever looks under the bed? I don't very often but see what happens! I end up sitting on the floor flooded with memories. I know Scott and I didn't have the perfect relationship but it was perfect for us. Then I let my own doubts about us get pushed to the front. I'm just not very good at this living thing I guess.  I still don't understand why "I'm where I'm supposed to be!" 


I want that connection that feeling of belonging back. I want to be comforted and held. I want to know that the person I share laughter, tears, sorrow, joy and love feels the same. I don't know the future but I'm such a planner I want to look forward beyond today. I want to think about being 44, 50, 84 and know I've have love that is magical. Someday so for now I smile and live for the moments of special times with my friends that make me know I still matter and I'm not alone in this world. 


This heat needs to stop soon because I'm feeling melancholy and blah! It reflects in my attitude and what I want to do. I have moments I look forward to and people I like interacting with on different levels. I hate it when those plans change at the last moment and I have to smile and pretend like it was all good. Then I have to find a way out of disappointment before I lead myself back down the wrong path. I just want to know if I really am a special person. I know it shouldn't matter but sometimes it is hard not to let myself go there. I'm grabbing the rope and dragging myself out of the quicksand before I sink to far back down.


Just keep swimming surrounded by light an love living forward. My life is a giant cliche'!!!! If want I want is the right thing for me it will happen when the time is right. Just too many things to worry about job, Hannah, friendships that I displace everything back to myself and internalize it all! I'm my own worst enemy! I guess it is okay to know myself well enough when I start with the crazy moments. I can do it yes I can!