Wiggle My Nose

Is it possible to have too much football in one weekend? I think it is more of a lack of sleep then anything else in my life. My life is so different then it was last year. I feel all things. Not just the pain. My favorite moments are of laughter and smiles. That is who I really am most of the time.

Yesterday was a no nonsense for me yesterday. I was not putting up with anything and I got a bunch done. That was at work. Then it was time to head to the game. Somewhere along the way I got lost in my head and my heart. I worked at watching the game and cheering. It still sucks and I still miss him. Football is the hardest but it is so much easier then it was last year.

I just keep trying and trying and trying even when I want to give up trying. I can't and won't give up. I may just take a break once in awhile but a pause for a rest is a good place to be. I think there is so much in this world that is worth working hard to achieve. Friendships that can be silly and serious. I feel like the walking add for whatever this thing in my life is. I miss holding hands, giggling like school girls, door slamming fights, making up, late night board games, planning for the future. I miss feeling complete.

I ran into our friendly jewelry store owner who is now a friend at the football game last night. She always tells me how much of an impact Scott and I have had on her life. She tells me that we are forever in her heart. I try so hard not to cry but I still get tears. Standing in the middle of Panther Stadium I have tears flowing quietly from my eyes. I tell her how much further I have grown. That I know I have life in my heart. I am learning how to take each step forward. I know I wasn't myself last night. I was mentally in stuck in my head. I sit there wishing for so many things. Someday I will get my wish. I just keep trying and maybe keep wiggling my nose. It is bound to happen eventually.

So I will keep on cheering on my favorite HS football team! I will try to win at fantasy football and hope that I get my wish for my life. I will keep living forward. It is the only thing I know how to do. I just continue to be thankful for all the great people in my life who love me in spite of myself!