Does Love Matter?

I'm so done with loving and opening my heart to that feeling to have it ripped out of my chest. I just feel flat and dead too. That is not me, I'm so open loving and and like to be that person but just really could care less after this evening.  I was almost home. I skipped the main road through our small town and went the back way to the house. Much faster during our 14 minutes of rush hour. I'm so glad I did. As I was turning onto the back road I got a call from Hannah telling me that she can't get to the kitten, Ella, in the laundry room. She was crying hard something's wrong.

I knew instantly she was right but I was still about five minutes away. I couldn't get to her fast enough. She called back and had to leave a message because my phone went straight to voicemail. When I listened to her message my heart died again. Listening to her horrible cries of anguish finding our sweet new kitten dead. I should have been here with her but I got there as fast as I could. I finally got her on the phone. I can see the stoplights and turning right into our neighborhood. I had her hang up and call her dad. I didn't have the words to comfort her. My pain had shut my emotions off and my own abilities to cope off. I kept saying things in my head that I am so tired of thinking. I made it to Hannah and went into problem solver mode. I called the Humane Society and asked them what to do. They took all the info - we can get a new kitty if we so decide but I don't know if I can ever do that. I gently picked up my sweet baby and wrapped her in towels. Hannah was able to gently hold her as we made our way to the Humane Society. I didn't want to leave her there but what else was I to do?

I can tell you that Ella started sneezing a few days ago. Last night she was mouth breathing a bit but not bad. Today I called and made her an appointment for tomorrow. I described the symptoms and it just sounded like a kitty cold. It was apparently more then that but I don't know what to do anymore. I just have to say I feel all kinds of crap. I feel like I'm big fat ugly and don't ever get to love again. That isn't who I am. That isn't who I've become in this journey living forward. So I came home and looked for something to amuse myself with for a little bit. I did it but my heart still feels large and dumpy. I want to stop. I don't know what to do. I tried. I was taking a huge step forward with Ella. Now I'm afraid if I ever find a relationship I'm just the person who is the kiss of death. I'm afraid of me!

I'm keep trying to live forward. I just need to find a break so I guess I will go to the bathtub and read. I will move back to my comfort zone. I will go find my prayers. I'm just tired of having my spirit and faith rattled. I know I have so many people who love me. I just need someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me while I cry. I need to feel that support and I'm sorry my friends I know you all do your best and I love you all for it but I haven't felt what I need since Scott died. I'm so afraid to live. Dear God, please surround me with your light and love, guide me protect me and show me the way. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm on autopilot again. Really do I have to do this again?