Maybe I Can Date Soon!?!

Maybe just maybe I have moved so far ahead tonight that I could possibly entertain the thought of actually dating. I don't know who, what, when where or how but hey I made a huge step tonight. Ryan and Matt came over to set up the draft order for fantasy football on Saturday and sort through Scott's stuff looking for something that could be used in a trophy. The trophy for the league was repossessed right before Scott died in the 2009/10 winner's car. So we lost the trophy and the Commish all in the same week!

I have been great just living with the stuff all around me, in the storage shed, just laying where he left stuff. I have moved stuff and tried to condense things but I would always start crying and couldn't continue. It seems like the time was right and we were right where we were supposed to be. I was with two of the greatest men and best friends Scott could have asked for tonight. We each share a different part in Scott's journey through life and the memories we were able to sort through tonight was more valuable to me then I could ever get from the stuff. I can't tell you how many collectibles Scott has but I could own my own shop of Stars Wars stuff alone right now. How many newspapers do you need on the retirement of Emmett, Troy and Michael? If you are from Texas you know who those guys are without last names!

I also know how much I meant to Scott by some of the things I found that he had saved or hidden from our relationships at different points. We opened a box and inside were gift bags from Christmas presents I had given him over the years. I was shocked! He saved the gift bags. I would be the only one who would recognize the bags! Then he had hidden a special gift locked away. I grabbed it before Matt and Ryan could see and I started laughing! I was laughing! Can you believe I was laughing sorting through his stuff. I didn't cry tonight until we had reached a pausing point and it was to late to keep going. We sat on the back patio talking about how much Scott meant to each of us. I can only tell you that I have these amazing friends in my life because of one man who is a true individual. He gives me love ongoing. Enough love to know I will matter or possibly do matter enough to someone else to someday take on all my craziness. I am an individual too. Scott taught me the most important gift in living - loving someone warts and all!

I'm tired hot and sweaty! Today was the 12 anniversary of my Dad's Angel Day. I was in a funk all day but I did something so far beyond what I ever imagined I would be able to do. Instead of 8 totes of stuff in the shed I now have 5 three of which just need to be sold and the money put away for Laynie. The important things that will matter to her are all there for our future of sharing her Daddy with her. Scott's life matters to me and will matter for her as she gets older.

I am ready to move forward and explore the possibilities of my life. Right after Scott died, Matt told me if I was still crying my way through life he was going to kick my butt! He doesn't have to do that! We had a nice time sorting and laughing and joking about Scott and the memories. I am blessed beyond words to know I was able to share this experience with them. I know beyond words that if I ever need anything they are there for me. They laughed at the things I knew Scott had saved because of me. We laughed at the reasons he has this huge collection of Star Wars stuff. We laughed when we sorted through some stuff in Scott's closet about his odd pieces that weren't really him but from a part of his life that formed him. I found things I searched for after he died. Pictures I knew we had put I couldn't find. I have the memories there to share with Laynie. I have the memories there for me to live forward.

I have come out of tonight a stronger person then when I started. I can live forward and I am where I am supposed to be. I am ready to face more of my life and explore more in my life. I have Scott in my heart and packing his things only makes room for me to share myself with someone else. He never wanted me to live in a shrine to him. I still have stuff to finish but I'm in a better place that I can now move forward on my own. I know I have been gifted with the power of light and love, surrounded by strength and shown the way. God has a plan and I always seem to know when the time is right! Maybe there will be more steps soon!!