Welcome Ella

I put my own theories to the biggest test today! I took look at a new kitty to we came home with one. As I type this I have to keep moving Ella off my keyboard. She is snuggled under my chin and giving me unconditional love and I'm teary eyed. Imagine that. This is a very large step for me. Simba was my baby for so long and I am okay with giving this kitty love too. I'm in shock with myself that I have it in my to make it this far. It really does give me hope that I can fall in love again. Who knows maybe if I would quit fighting it and just let it happen I'd be amazed at what happens.

That is how Ella is for me. I quit fighting Hannah and just let it happen. Now my heart is a goner for Ella. I still love Simba but I'm good with still loving her and knowing my heart is big enough for Ella. As is my life I've been growing without even seeing it happen. My friends you all see it but why can't I until I'm past a step or leaping without even seeing it happen. I need to just stop with the road blocks and be open to life.

It is also time for Scott's fantasy football league of which I'm the commissioner. I love that we can continue to honor his memory in this way. Matt, Scott's best bud, reminded me tonight as he called about the league that I have to keep moving that I need to get to a point where this isn't Scott and my (our) house but my house. Matt told me at some point I have to move forward and live life. The league will always be about honoring Scott's life and his passion but I don't have to stop mine. How do I warrant such wise wonderful friends. I made the step to break out of my self imposed prison.

I love my new little girl. She has given me much joy in the hours she has been in MY home! I still know that no matter where I go or how I get there, if it is with another, Scott will rejoice because he only wants happiness for me. Tonight I'm happy being snuggled by my furbaby. Now maybe I can stop being so afraid of being loved by another. I'm not asking for a replacement but a continuation of my life and my heart. I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time!