Success is Sweet

I put the gifts in the boxes and I've wrapped one. I'm sitting here watching sappy Christmas love movies feeling sorry for myself remembering what it was like sitting here with Scott after each box was wrapped getting a kiss as he put on the name tags. "Life is worth living and when you follow your heart good things happen" is what the television is telling me. I know what my heart says but it is time I can't control. I know how to manage time. I can teach you how to remember time but I can't change you or time. I can't go back and I can't make the time go faster. I'm living in each moment.

Last night I sat here watching the lights, curled up on the couch and dreaming. I had finished watching movies and it felt good to just be here but lonely too. I miss so much and I'm trying to find the happiness in all the moments of my life. That means I have to face the quiet alone times of the holidays just as much as the frantic business of the past. I used to be the one that got everything done for everyone else. I miss those moments being there like that. The family, the love, the magic of the memories. I have regrets of the things that didn't get done but I do have the memories of all the amazing moments we shared. As I was sitting here dreaming Scott's stocking started moving. The ceiling fan is off and there isn't a breeze in the room. I know the answer. I wasn't truly alone. My house is always full of  love even when it is full only me.

On Friday night our football team came in second. That is nothing to be disappointed about! They played hard, they tried hard and they are amazing. They shouldn't be sad they should know that next year the success will be even sweeter. How could it not be? I think I keep trying to look at my life the same way. We almost made it. I had a great taste of the life I have always wanted. It will be that much sweeter when I reach that point. It is worth the wait. I may have been alone last night but I know I'm not. I'm learning about the sweetness of all my moments of life. I know I am loved. I know it will all happen. Isn't it true that good things happen to those who wait. I know I'm worth it! I'm a good thing!

Not a Tear Well Maybe for One Song

You see there are these things I've done in the last few days that I never thought I could get through without crying every moment. I still feel the tears but I can keep them in better check. You see it started on Friday night with a football win, then into Saturday night with a home grown Heisman Trophy winner. I felt the tears and I couldn't stop them but I got busy. I forced myself into nonstop action. I baked and baked and well baked. I stood in the kitchen for hours on end for the better part of two days. You see that is me. That is my normal. I didn't really have the initial desire but I decided I needed to keep busy and MAKE myself be part of the things I love to do for Christmas.

Hannah told me I was turning into a chocolate chip. I guess at one point I was covered in chocolate. I laughed and said I just needed a chocolate massage. I felt like myself. Working on a project with my hands that comes from my heart. I am at my best doing things for others. I always said I would have made the perfect 50's housewife. Maybe in a previous life there is a smidgen of truth. I didn't know baking could make me feel so much lighter emotionally. The funny part is when I bake I don't eat. Go figure! Baking could be my diet plan. I made gifts for all my staff and a few special people in my world. I hope I made their days a bit brighter with a few little goodies.

Then it was time for the Fall Holiday Concert for the Band. I have been dreading this moment but love to hear the kids perform. They are amazingly talented and can warm the heart. I cried the entire time last year. I realized today when we were with a patient that I don't carry tissue with me everywhere I go anymore. I think that is the best Christmas gift I could have ever given myself. So our Band Director chose some of my very favorite music for the Season. I was smiling and applauding. My heart was full of love and happiness. It was as I keep saying, music is a gift from Angels. My Angel seems to know just what gifts to give to me. I shouldn't be surprised he did alive too.

There was only one moment where I started to lose my control on my tears but I felt the love from the kids in the beautiful music they created. There is so much peace and joy in this world. I'm really trying to find all those moments that make my world special. Tonight was one of those nights. I want the kids to know the gifts they give with their music made the world a little bit more special for me tonight. I miss Scott everyday but I am trying to make what time I have here on Earth matter. There will never be another Scott but that doesn't mean my life ended. I may feel it so often but maybe the choice is to just keep baking when I feel that powerful loss. I know at least one person I can ply with chocolate. Now back to decking the halls and all that falalala!

Joy of Giving

I love days like yesterday and today that I know Scott would be dancing, cheering and on cloud nine. Our football team is going to Sate and RGIII wins the Heisman Trophy. I just have this really big feeling he would be stalking about town trying to get a glimpse!  I like the moments of joyful reminders. I wish everyday could be like this. I just keep smiling and knowing the feeling like Heaven has to be closer then we can see.

I know how much I have to keep believing. Not just in my Angel but where I am in my life. I know if I keep focused on where I need to be the great things in life happen. There are moments where it is bittersweet but I know the silver lining is still there too! Lots of lives have changed as dramatically as mine have and those people also had choices to make. I'm getting there. I promise I am.

Today Hannah and I went to do some Christmas shopping. I found the perfect gift for a friend just by accident. I wasn't looking but I looked down and there it was. I am trying to believe in the Magic that is Christmas for me. Scott got the importance of those moments for me. I like the gift of giving and not just the gift itself. For me the gift includes the thoughts and love that make each gift just right. It may have just been an accidental moment today but I must have had something in my heart already to just know in an instant it was the right gift. I'm trying to find that Magic that has been buried in my heart.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to put up the tree with Hannah. I think we both need the feeling that we are being embraced. The love is in all the ornaments from our lives. The tree isn't just something that stands there but it is an emotion. The stockings are made with love not just something I bought. Christmas is here and for me it is about love. The spirit of love is all around and I have to believe there will be more for me. I will make it back into the Magic. I just miss knowing Scott got how important finding the right gifts was for me. I miss sharing my love with someone who gets me, someone who appreciates what I give of myself to provide joy, love and happiness to others. That little bit of me is showing through. I just can't be afraid of the possibility of pain. If I don't give how can I ever learn to receive the love again? There is so much joy for me in giving.

Jump

"Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one lives forever."


I got a big dose of reality this morning. There was a horrific car accident on the highway. It was in the southbound lane as I was traveling north. I realized tonight when Mike brought Hannah home what I saw was bad enough but compared to what he saw was worse. He saw the flames and the truck on fire. He was driving past as an explosion occurred in the fire of the vehicles. I saw the aftermath of the fire and the accident. I was immediately in tears. I never want to see an accident where someone dies again. It sent me all back to watching them pull Scott out from the pond in his truck. I'm afraid of the emotions of grief still. I survive and live. I enjoy my life and those in my life. I smile, laugh, flirt and laugh but I'm still afraid of the moments when my emotions come out unchecked. I am truly thankful for the moments that I am alone when my tears happen. 


There are points that I want to take the risks but I'm afraid. I know things about life. I have a connection to answers I don't always understand but the part of taking the risks anymore. There is a part of life where I have to come out of this back into who I truly am. I know Scott wants me to take the leaps of faith into life but I know I have to be ready to accept all that means. Scott took the leap and I flew with him. I know there will never be another relationship like that in my life. I can say with all honestly I don't want that type of relationship again. Scott promised me so much and the only time he failed was the day he didn't come home alive. I know he didn't truly fail though because he taught me what love is all about. What it means to be in a grown up forever type of relationship. You can really have it all. It doesn't matter the circumstances of life that put people together. The piece that matters is to grab what is right in front of you and go. 


I don't ever want to look back on my life and wonder what might have been. I know I am where I am supposed to be, most of the time, because I have taken chances and made choices. I have made a choice but I have also learned I can't get be the one to make choices for others. The pieces of my life matter to me. I know I matter to others but sometimes it is hard waiting for the new pieces to fall into place. For the things you know and where you want to be it is worth taking a chance because once again I was shown today that no one lives forever. Reach for it all! Don't be afraid of what  you life has been, don't hold the past against your future, live in all the moments of today!!

Hammering Away

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.  Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.  ~Jacob A. Riis




I have a project I've been working on for 20 months today! You see I didn't even realize it until this afternoon that today was the day we found Scott, 20 months ago. I've been sick. I love having no immune system. I get whatever goes around. I slept most of the day and this afternoon I woke up from a dream with Scott present. It was one of those very real moments that I just know he was there. This time my dream took place in the supermarket. Seems crazy but we all know that I am that! I wouldn't have it any other way. Being a little bit crazy and silly makes life so much easier to live. Anyway, in the supermarket we were sharing our moments like we always had when all of the sudden he took my hand and placed it into another's. It was like he was telling me there is more to my life to come.


I know there is more but I also miss those moments with him. So I keep chipping away like the stone cutter at living life. I'm not giving up even though there are thousands of moments where I would gladly give up but I don't. Even sick I'm living. Hey and the good thing is I've found a cute doctor who knows I know what I'm talking about when I'm sick. I was awake laying reading my current little romance novel when the book talks about the main female character losing her husband and dealing with her grief. The lead male and her love interest are discussing life after loss. When the lead male tells her, "you will always love him as that part of your life but you love me in the here and now. I respect that love." Gotta love a well written romance novel! 


Isn't that what life is all about, living in the here and now? I have moments where I dwell on the what ifs and whys of my life but I'm continuing to live. I still have hurdles like the grocery store but apparently in my dream there will be another to love me through that task. I love how the messages seem so very real. I don't know how the world works or what is just over that bridge but I have to believe there is more to life then we can see. I feel the power so often. I matter to those who have crossed. I feel the love and know I will be able to conquer the things in my life that still feel impossible 20 months later. I have to believe because someday soon I will hit that stone for last time and break through. I just have to keep trying. Love matters! I will be there in the store laughing, loving and living. Now to the current task - CONQUERING THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

Leftovers

I went to bed at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and got up at 11:00 this morning. Somewhere along the way I think I got out of bed and ate a cupcake or two or three but for the most part I slept. Exhaustion was the only word that fit the bill for me. Today I didn't do much. I did work for a few hours. Thank goodness for laptops and remote access. Can I get out of doing 16 hour workdays this week? I hope so  because I do need a break. I feel vacation planning coming on.

Today my biggest achievement was cooking for myself. That is two weekends in a row that I have cooked for myself. Wow is all I can say. Normally I do the quick drive thru or my favorite, PBJ but nope I cooked actual food from scratch. A recipe that I have tweaked over the years. The hardest part about cooking is leftovers. I'm not much into leftovers but there are a few things I will eat that way. I really miss cooking. The thing about cooking is that it is more fun when someone else enjoys what you create. Or when it's not the best then will tolerate the oops and smile.

I guess I could have done some other things today but it is nice to just hang out on the dark dreary day. I watched a movie but couldn't wrap my brain around reading today. I could have decorated for Christmas but it's not something I want to even attempt alone. It doesn't mean nearly as much without the family joy. I'm not so sure how to take care of this chore this year. I am very task oriented and when I do set my mind to tackling the to do list I achieve greatness but not with things like this. Christmas shouldn't be a chore. It should be full of fun, laughter and love.

I'm trying. I know where I want to be and one day at a time I'm getting there. I'm trying not to be sad and lost in the world. It doesn't work all the time but I'm trying. I'm cooking I guess that is a huge step into the right direction! Let's see what else I can make. I guess I will have to take a trip to the grocery store with Hannah soon though because the cupboard is bare. That is another thing I have to conquer all my own someday but not today. One more step at a time. That is what my days are all about.

Christmas Marketing

Welcome to the Season of "What the H*&& am I doing here?" Yes I'm so happy to celebrate. Can you hear the sarcasm in my typing? Actually it's not all true. I love driving around alone listening to the beautiful Christmas music of Silent Night and others while enjoying the twinkle of the magical lights. Those are the moments I feel the connection to the reasons that are really why we celebrate. What I'm sick of is the marketing, commercials and stuff of cranky, crabby people.

I want my Christmas joy back. I want to be able to put up ALL of my decorations and feel the love and laughter. To lay under the tree listening to the Holly channel, looking up at the lights holding hands. It doesn't help that I'm the only one left in the house who cares about the magic of Christmas. I would sit for hours if I could looking at the lights and magic of the joy in my heart. How do I capture that joy again? I'm worn out. I guess the decorations will stay in the spot in the garage for a while longer.

The funny thing is I can't stop buying ornaments. I have an ornament for every occasion. I have bought at least 10 new ornaments this year! Hard to believe but right now they are hanging out in the boxes and bags they came in. I'm afraid of the memories in the box. I know they will be easier then they were last year but it doesn't mean I won't cry. I'm a mess and that is all there is to it. I don't think I will ever not be a mess. I can smile real big, tell you I'm good, life is better and move like a whirl to get the day done but that doesn't change the big picture of where has the real me gone? Where has my joy and fun gone?

Oh well I guess I've lost my rose colored glasses of life. Oh well I guess I will keep it going, just not doing Christmas on my own. I guess I get to be a bit grinchy again this year. In my own time right? I'm better then I was last year. Who knows in 50 years I might enjoy the season once again. I will get things going in my time. This isn't my time for the tree and stockings hung with care. This isn't time for my lights and twinkles. I may watch my White Christmas over and over but you won't catch me singing along and loudly to the Christmas carols in my car. My only goal this year is to continue to put one foot in front of the other.