Just Me

"I really can't picture anyone having. Crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep. I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them or even just smiled at them. I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we're lacking. I mean like... Why would they even do that? I'm just me: Nothing extraordinary or special."

I know many people love me. I have proof! I'm still alive. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for those special people in my life. However, there is this little show on tv called Gray's Anatomy. They talk about having "the person" in your life who you go to for everything. Scott was my person and not just the obvious reasons. It would be nice to have my person in my life who texts me all day or takes the time stop and call me. 

I miss being able to have something silly happen have someone to tell that gets me and isn't to busy for those moments. I miss all those things and more. I know I make a day to day difference in many lives. I have patients who tell me they appreciate what I do for them. I have friends that are there when I need them. Except that one person who chooses to be with me. He was taken from me. 

I can no longer imagine having that type of person in my life. The scary part is the loneliness that comes along with it. The above statement is true for me. I'm here. I'm me but that part of my life is done. I don't get to have the hope that it is possible because I am just now learning how to be me - nothing extraordinary. Just living in the only life I have and it doesn't include that person who wants to take a chance with someone who will always have a special Angel finding moments to remind them of what it means to be loved. 

With This Ring...

With this ring...

Those are the three words we were supposed to share. We jokingly practiced the day I brought his wedding band home from the jewelry store. He just wanted to wear it but I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him. We shouldn't have waited but we did. Little did I know that I would be the one who took it out of the box and said the words. I know he was there so I wasn't alone but the symbol of the circle of eternity seemed so empty. You can't measure love to someone else. I know each of the men whom I have loved can and will never be compared. I know it is possible to love again. Now will the time ever be right, that I can't say but I know my heart still has the power of love to share. 

I have made so many steps in living forward. Lots of steps back but I'm happy to say those are so fewer.  I know I've grown an changed. There may always be moments of panic and the need for the Xanax to relieve the attack but you know I how much better a conversation with someone you love is makes it all "more better!"  I'd much rather hear a joke about sexy farm animals then drug myself. 

Now back to that ring that I have worn for most of the last two and a half years. I put it back in its box in the drawer before I left for vacation. It was the right time. It still makes me sad but I was ready to put his ring in protective custody. I also realized what I need in my life is a friend who has the same busy life and priorities to think about scheduling a break once in awhile to live in the moment. To just hang out and be crazy. I have several people I can think of but two of them are eleven hours away. 

I see how much my vacation did for me. I know how important getting away from the world can be. Today a friend told me I needed to just go work at Disney. I have thought about that before. I know, however, that I care more about the magic in the visits. I know the inner workings but I still need a place to be a princess. Where would I go for vacation then? My princess standards are to high for most places. 

So tonight I'm laying here thinking about the different stages of happiness. Where am I now that I wasn't three years ago? The obvious is Scott. Our relationship wasn't perfect. For that matter I still yell at him quite often just not for the same reasons. I'm ready to explore the next stages of this new life. Who knows, maybe that just means I start sleeping in he middle of the bed or maybe I need to just walk up and take a chance that requires getting over the panic things still happen. I do know that circle of gold and silver doesn't change how I feel for Scott but having the courage to put it away changes how I look at myself!!

Watchful Eyes

Watchful Eyes

What a beautiful day rain and all. This morning my alarm went off on my phone because I forgot to turn it off. I woke up from a great dream which included a wonderful friend in my life. I didn't realize I had the dream until something in our room triggered and I smiled. A few minutes later I got a text from the person I was thinking about. What a great way to start my day and know there are connections that we must just accept. 

We went about our business for the day with our routines. Breakfast in the Innkeepers Club lounge and out to the back door of EPCOT. We were headed to a meet. We haven't made many plans. We have gone without a schedule this trip except for a few little items. This was our one plan - an AllEars Meet with Deb Wills and the gang. Deb is one of those people who knows everyone and is still amazingly humble. She gave me the honor today of walking up to me with a huge hug. She took the time to honor me and ask how I was doing. She told me she keeps track of how I'm doing through FB. I know my life story through my loss of Scott and my willingness to be so open has touched more lives then I have ever imagined possible!!! 

We made our way around World Showcase eating, walking, eating, talking, eating, drinking. It was a very relaxing day. Two and a half years ago Scott and I talked about doing this exact trip - no rushing or racing allowed. He knew it was a dream for me to just be and enjoy our time together in my magical place. I'm so glad Lynne is here to share this trip with me. I miss Betsy and Susan nut we are all where we are supposed to be. 

After a beautiful nap in the room during a nice afternoon shower we made our way to the Club Lounge for more food. Yes we have been eating all day but not huge sizes and just the right amounts for tastes. I'm never been one to drink much but it has been fun to sample different tastes and favors. As we were walking down the hall to the lounge I hit my left arm on the wall/ fire extinguisher box. I didn't pay much attention but I walked on. Later when we got back to EPCOT for our second go around I looked down and I had cracked the face on my watch. 

My watch is one of those things that has meaning beyond just a watch. In 2008 I bought this watch on a Dec Mousefest trip. It never fit right. It drove Scott nuts. In Jan of 2009 he made the point of asking when we were at Kindlers Jewlers if they would adjust it. We were in there picking out my engagement ring. Little did I know it was going to be the ring he would pick for me. My watch played a part in a magical moment of our life together. Even later he would comment on how he was glad the great ladies at Kindlers made my watch fit. Little would he know what an important part they would give me to keep living forward! 

I commented that I guess I needed to go get a new watch now. We made our way to Mousegears. As I walked up to the counter Scott was there. The music overhead was his favorite song from The Jungle Book. I could feel him! I walked up to the counter and the exact same watch was there. How is that possible?  It's Disney the merchandise changes faster then you can blink. The lady at the counter kept saying you don't have to decide now. She went to look up the numbers. She came back and told me it was the last one. I knew I didn't have to think about it. He was there. 

I love my messages. I'm taking all of my day from beginning to end. I know it is time to keep living forward. Recognizing what I see and what I need in these moments of my life. We each have people in our lives for reason. Take the time to appreciate the Magical Moments, the dreams, the people who matter. They could be gone tomorrow it is important to open your arms to new magical moments.  I know my Angel continues to guide me, surround me with his light and love and protects me each day. Time matters and apparently we each have a time where we are to reach out to each other. A text from a friend that you want to spend more time with, taking a relaxing trip with an important person or knowing you touch the life of a person who spends her days touching the lives of so many others in a magical way. I'm here for a reason - so are you!!! 

Sweetie

“I love, therefore I am vulnerable.” 
― Madeleine L'Engle

Over the last few days I've been exchanging texts with my brother. If you know anything about my brother and I this is highly unusual. It's not that we don't love each other but we aren't exactly best friends. We grew up like twins but our lives are very different. Even when we were children we were completely different. We try though. Regardless of any history we are still siblings.

I started the conversation sending him the picture of us with Dad, Grandma and Great Grandma. I told him I was amazed at how much he resembled Dad. Then along the way my Mom happened to post a recent picture of my brother and I did them side by side and there is no denying the likeness. We have shared more this week then we have for a long time. 

Tomorrow is the 13 year anniversary of my Dad's journey across the bridge. I'm not the only one who still hurts. I'm not the only one who wishes for more time. I'm not the only one who still feels his love. We may be as different as night and day but we share the same grief just like twins. We just express it in different ways and continue to live very different lives. 

I just keep getting the overwhelming sensation that Dad is proud of us for not beating the pulp out of each other but sharing in the stories that formed our childhoods. I may not have been the one who was athletic and on the field at every game but I will always be Daddy's little girl. My brother reminded me of that today. He called me by my Dad's pet name for me, Sweetie. I don't let anyone else use that name and I get upset if you try but hearing it today from my brother was a gentle reminder of the love and life we shared growing up. It was a reminder that somehow my Dad has been able to tell me that he loves me. Just as I know sharing photos of Dad with my brother and letting him know how much of Dad I see him reminds him of the love Dad has for him. 

I keep living life forward but it doesn't stop the moments of what ifs. In the drop of the bucket 13 years just doesn't even make a wave. My heart is full of love and joy sharing a surprising bonding moment with my brother. Someday we will only have each other and it really helps to mend the fences of the past. My Dad has to be smiling down with joy. I love you Daddy and miss you everyday. You helped form the person I am today and I don't want to let you down! 

My Greater Self

When you long for blessings that you may not name,
and when you grieve knowing not the cause,
then indeed you are growing with all things that grow,
and rising toward your greater self.~ Khalil Gibran


Growing has happened without even noticing. Today I got all the way to Austin and didn't even realize I had left my engagement ring and wedding band behind. I still wear them on my right hand and sometimes I wear Scott's wedding band too. I didn't go nuts and I didn't freak out. I was just me. I didn't need them. They weren't required for me to keep going. 

My mind and heart were to focused on other people in my life. Thinking about, worrying about, caring about and loving others. I have grown beyond my own grief. My heart hurts for others not myself. I've been broken and I'm healing. I have found my feet and my arms to hug my friends. As I was driving my mind wanders into all kinds of thoughts. The loss of my friend from college. The silly crazy things we did as a group. 90210 as a drinking game. Socializing in the office of the Residence Hall because no one wanted to study. 

How is it when we get older life seems to change faster then when we were growing up. Life was so much simpler. There was so much less stress but now it is all about what happens to us in our everyday lives. In addition to the normal stresses it has just multiplied. I think the biggest lesson I have learned over my new travels is how important it is to stay positive and ignore the people who thrive on negativity. I've even been trying to do what always works best for me - read for understanding and not take on other's baggage.

"I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them."

I still surround myself with my daily prayer, "Surround me with your light and love. Guide me, protect me and show me the way." Yet today for my two separate groups of friends that need prayers. I took the prayer and personalized it for them. I think the hardest part of learning to live again has been recognizing when I indeed have grown out of my own despair. I'm not so hardened to the world that I'm only focused on my own selfish needs. I know I do so much better when I can reach out and give someone a positive hand instead of allowing someone's negative BS to make my day suffer. 

I'm ready to reach out and accept the blessings in my life I have been longing to receive. I am open to accepting what ever my daily prayer gives to me but more importantly to others. We can make it and it will happen because my heart knows the power of love in the here and now. 

Laugh, Play, Live, Love

"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy." - a wall plaque in a store

If there were a day where you can't get the words out this would be one of them. I just can't understand how  life can end so quickly for so many at young ages. I have words that I just can't get out of my head, so I will list them here and see if helps. Unfair, BS, crap, sucks and most often WHY!!! I wish I could answer the question and I have a hard time accepting but I can do what I do best, believe and live forward. Today a friend from college died this morning. I don't know any details other then there are a whole bunch of people who will miss him greatly and he touched lives everyday in his job as a high school teacher and student council sponsor. The entire lives of a future generation have been touched even into his death.

How do you know when you are where you are supposed to be? You don't until after the fact. I know I was where I was supposed to be today for a friend on the phone. We always seem to be in the right place for each other. Isn't that what a part of life is about? Giving everything to someone who needs you for a few moments in a day. We all impact the lives of each other. There are many things I can't change but I work with the life I have been given and I live forward. I think about both my friends today. One who needed an ear and one who crossed the bridge.

I want to keep giving my life everything I can. I want the people in it to know they matter to me. Life doesn't always go the way we want it. We end up crawling through windows and peeking into those new open doors. I see how that happens each day for me in my choice to live forward. We reach for happiness, kindness and love. Then at some point we have fulfilled our duties on Earth and join the Heavenly Bodies to continue our lessons on another plane. My friend that passed away this morning made a difference in my life. I will always remember the laughter and fun. I'm still at a loss for words as this person had a gift of making others want to be a better person.

I'm also still amazed that I needed the depth of the phone call today before I even knew I needed it. There is a plan for each of us and it happens when we least expect it. My heart was ready to handle the news of the newest Angel in Heaven. I am still at a loss for words to describe how the events of about 45 minutes changed my attitude for the day. Treasure your friends and family. This could be your expiration date. I know I want to leave behind the love I feel in my heart without any regrets. I want to know I made someone else's day as much as they made mine. I want to know I changed a life that I mattered in my time here on Earth.

Genetics

Family is the most important thing in the world.
Princess Diana


How else do you survive without your family? There are many kinds of family. Those you are born into, those your marry into and the people you choose to claim as your family. I have a great family I was born into and them my chosen family is amazing. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life.

I have been looking for a photo to show Hannah for weeks now. I finally found it. The joy of multi-generational photos from years past. My Mom always talks about my paternal grandmother and how I am the image of her. Over the summer Hannah asked and I found the photo of Grandma Mary, Daddy, Great-Grandma Powers, my brother and I. I scanned it into the computer and showed her the photo. Her first comment was about me as a child! "Oh My! You look exactly the same!" It is funny how the strength of our looks continues across the years. I only hope to continue to age as gracefully as my Grandmother did. 

It was a fun moment to show Hannah her history. A history of people I love dearly that she will never know. I was ten when my Grandma Mary died and Hannah was three when her Grandpa died. Not many kids get to sit on a couch cuddled in the arms of your Great Grandmother listening to stories of days gone by and singing songs from her past. Those people are gone physically but they are still very much loved. This week will mark the 13 year anniversary of my Daddy's trip to Heaven. I look in the eyes of my daughter and wish she could have known the man I knew. I do know she is blessed to have my Mom and stepBob in her life. 

Today was a day of solitude for me. I try to do things and entertain myself. Today was about reflection and relaxation. I don't know the answers but I do know my life matters because of my family. The most important person in my life is Hannah. Without her I don't know where to go or be. Tomorrow is back to the daily grind. I keep trying to make my life in the simple tasks. It may not matter if I pulled weeds today. It may not matter if I did the laundry or not but spending time with my memories of people who helped shaped me into the person I am today was important. I may have the genes that make me look like Grandma Mary but what I remember was the kindest most gentle lady. I'm sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her like I  did my maternal Grandma. I want to be here for my daughter into her journey into the beautiful woman she is becoming. I matter to her and that keeps me going through all of the trials and tribulations.