Today the mail was all for Scott. How can mail hurt so much? One piece I need to deal with but the rest of it is junk. I'm glad I can toss the junk mail because I'd be buried under it all. It is just another reminder of a life that touched so many but everyday he was with me. I'm sad yes. I have thoughts that are up and down but I don't act on them. The only thing is all this horrible stress is messing with my physical abilities.
After this past weekend I feel calmer. Not sleeping but calmer. My friends took care of me and provided me with support. I know he is gone physically but I felt him knowing that he still loves me and would do anything that would make me happy. I know I won't be sad forever. I'm not sad all the time. I have moments of laughter that isn't painful. I'm just trying to understand how to keep living forward and what to do without the man I love.
Love has so many different forms. It can be the love for your friends, your animals, your children, and your parents. The love for your partner is such a different feeling. The day to day activities that connect you. The support, the hugs, holding hands, fights and making up are all part of sharing your life. I'm becoming such an introvert. How do I risk life again? I smile and I'm polite but it is very hard for me to initiate conversation with others. I know I have issues getting all my words out in the right way when my MS is acting up but the pain is all compounding those problems.
I am making progress. I am understanding everything but it does hurt. Someday I will learn how to be happy again in longer periods of time. I know the times are longer then they were 12 weeks ago. I miss him and I know he was a huge part of my life but I am trying to find who I am in this mess. Our connection is based on love that can never be broken. So as I sort through the mail, I smile and know his life was with me and his love will always be with me.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I have learned
I have learned...
1- stress is my enemy
2- I don't know who I am but I'm trying
3- I can't do it all
4- I'm a nice person who has had horrible things happen in my life.
5- I have to survive.
I learned number five because I know Scott watched Laynie and I fight for our lives. He begged God to take him instead while we were both sick. He loved us that much. I still remember the look on his face when I woke up in ICU. His look was of pure pain at the thought of loosing me. I'm not the stronger one of us but I don't have a choice right now. Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, fear, anger all cause my MS to flare up. I have to find a place in my heart and mind to combat this time in my life.
I have moments of quiet. Moments of peace and they are getting larger but this time has not been one of them. I think the pain in my life is causing me horrible psychological problems. I'm trying but at times I'm not succeeding to walk through this pain. Not without help. I need to find peace and how to get through this time. I have learned that there are really wonderful people in my life and then some that need to face their own demons before they judge others.
I pray for God to help me find the peace to live my life forward. I pray for God to help me to the place I'm supposed to live without fear and anxiety. I want to be happy again. It isn't today and it certainly hasn't been the last 12 weeks but I do find myself having moments of smiling and helping others. I'm not a bad person. I have a disability that I work through each day and apparently I have added the psychological trauma of loosing my love. I'm trying to learn how to cope but it is not possible to do on my own.
I really shouldn't be alone but I have no place to go right this minute. I will continue with my counselor and lean on my friends and family. I will send my needs to God and be open to my faith. When I forget to pray I am overcome with it all. Scott is in God's love and through that continues to love me. Scott's life had meaning and joy. He shared that with me. It is very hard to be courageous and strong but I'm not giving up even when I want to. I have to stop and find my ability to breathe so that I can live forward.
I have learned I can't do it all and others can't dictate how I should be feeling. My true friends are here with open arms. Thank you to all of you who reach for me even if we are far apart. I will make my way forward each day at a time but on a bad day it is okay for me to stop and find my center of balance again. If I don't I will be gone and just living in a shell of a body with very little spirit or desire.
1- stress is my enemy
2- I don't know who I am but I'm trying
3- I can't do it all
4- I'm a nice person who has had horrible things happen in my life.
5- I have to survive.
I learned number five because I know Scott watched Laynie and I fight for our lives. He begged God to take him instead while we were both sick. He loved us that much. I still remember the look on his face when I woke up in ICU. His look was of pure pain at the thought of loosing me. I'm not the stronger one of us but I don't have a choice right now. Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, fear, anger all cause my MS to flare up. I have to find a place in my heart and mind to combat this time in my life.
I have moments of quiet. Moments of peace and they are getting larger but this time has not been one of them. I think the pain in my life is causing me horrible psychological problems. I'm trying but at times I'm not succeeding to walk through this pain. Not without help. I need to find peace and how to get through this time. I have learned that there are really wonderful people in my life and then some that need to face their own demons before they judge others.
I pray for God to help me find the peace to live my life forward. I pray for God to help me to the place I'm supposed to live without fear and anxiety. I want to be happy again. It isn't today and it certainly hasn't been the last 12 weeks but I do find myself having moments of smiling and helping others. I'm not a bad person. I have a disability that I work through each day and apparently I have added the psychological trauma of loosing my love. I'm trying to learn how to cope but it is not possible to do on my own.
I really shouldn't be alone but I have no place to go right this minute. I will continue with my counselor and lean on my friends and family. I will send my needs to God and be open to my faith. When I forget to pray I am overcome with it all. Scott is in God's love and through that continues to love me. Scott's life had meaning and joy. He shared that with me. It is very hard to be courageous and strong but I'm not giving up even when I want to. I have to stop and find my ability to breathe so that I can live forward.
I have learned I can't do it all and others can't dictate how I should be feeling. My true friends are here with open arms. Thank you to all of you who reach for me even if we are far apart. I will make my way forward each day at a time but on a bad day it is okay for me to stop and find my center of balance again. If I don't I will be gone and just living in a shell of a body with very little spirit or desire.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Pictures
Just got done looking at pictures I've never seen of Scott and I in WDW. It wasn't easy but I know just from the pictures how much love we share. I miss my partner in life. I'm mentally and physically drained but still getting out of bed each day.
Tonight is a thoughtful night. I'm not exactly sure where I am with all of this other then I've made it another day. I do know the place I'm going to be in for the time has to be one of less stress. My physical self is loosing too much. The dpression is deep and the panic attacks can be overwhelming. I know what I must do to conquer each day.
I am finding my way at my pace. There are so many people I can count on. People who aren't always next to me in person but are there on spirit. I let their love and positive thoughts continue to support me. I will make it through the rest of this day because that is all that matters. I live forward one day at a time and one second at a time. It isn't about time. It is about my soul and spirit finding peace and acceptance of the events I can't control. The life that I had is no more but the love will never die.
Tonight is a thoughtful night. I'm not exactly sure where I am with all of this other then I've made it another day. I do know the place I'm going to be in for the time has to be one of less stress. My physical self is loosing too much. The dpression is deep and the panic attacks can be overwhelming. I know what I must do to conquer each day.
I am finding my way at my pace. There are so many people I can count on. People who aren't always next to me in person but are there on spirit. I let their love and positive thoughts continue to support me. I will make it through the rest of this day because that is all that matters. I live forward one day at a time and one second at a time. It isn't about time. It is about my soul and spirit finding peace and acceptance of the events I can't control. The life that I had is no more but the love will never die.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Our Day
Today is OUR day. The day Scott and I chose to celebrate with our friends and family our love. The date was picked to join us through our birthdays. It will always be our day. I see it all. I see us all. Not just Scott and I but all of the people we loved in our lives.
I have walked through today with friends who have held me up. They were supposed to be there to hold me up in my joy but they got my sorrow. You can't replace friends who have done the things for me that they have. I know I am only standing because of them. I still don't know what the plan for my life is to be but I know I have to hand it to GOD and my angels to provide for me. I ask for guidance and love to light my path. I hand over my worries and fears and know I will walk this road. I will not be alone. I have not been alone through this tragedy.
There is comfort in taking this to the light of love I am surrounded in. I choose to not be a victim to those in life who try to hurt me. I choose to embrace those who love me even in my new self. I may not know who I am to be but they will help me find my path. I may not like my life right now and it has been full of ongoing changes but I will continue to be in the place I need to be. I will be taking it one day at a time.
Today will always be our day. My dress stays in the closet and Scott went to his final resting place in the clothes we picked out laughing and lovingly for him. I know that sign says "employee of the month!" my love. I feel him whispering his love and holding me close. He will always love me and I will always love him. My heart will be forever changed because we found each other. He may be physically gone but he is never far because he always calls me "my heart!" as he wraps his spiritual arms around me. There are things only he and I know. Secrets that are in my heart for the two of us.
I have walked through today with friends who have held me up. They were supposed to be there to hold me up in my joy but they got my sorrow. You can't replace friends who have done the things for me that they have. I know I am only standing because of them. I still don't know what the plan for my life is to be but I know I have to hand it to GOD and my angels to provide for me. I ask for guidance and love to light my path. I hand over my worries and fears and know I will walk this road. I will not be alone. I have not been alone through this tragedy.
There is comfort in taking this to the light of love I am surrounded in. I choose to not be a victim to those in life who try to hurt me. I choose to embrace those who love me even in my new self. I may not know who I am to be but they will help me find my path. I may not like my life right now and it has been full of ongoing changes but I will continue to be in the place I need to be. I will be taking it one day at a time.
Today will always be our day. My dress stays in the closet and Scott went to his final resting place in the clothes we picked out laughing and lovingly for him. I know that sign says "employee of the month!" my love. I feel him whispering his love and holding me close. He will always love me and I will always love him. My heart will be forever changed because we found each other. He may be physically gone but he is never far because he always calls me "my heart!" as he wraps his spiritual arms around me. There are things only he and I know. Secrets that are in my heart for the two of us.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Where I belong?
Today was to be... stressful, beautiful and fun. Tonight Scott was insisting we were staying together that we belonged together. In my brain we have done the day together the way it was planned. My beautiful Hannah has her what ifs. I know she is being cared for better then I could do this weekend. I hate that I am struggling with my emotions. I have good moments and bad moments.
I don't know what I am or where I am supposed to be. I miss the love of my life. I miss the things were had planned. I don't really care that my life is supposed to have another meaning. I want him back. This sucks. The pain isn't nice. I have so many things in my head. I love him. I need him but I know he will never hold me in his arms again. I know he is here. I know I am the love of his life. I know he will give me infinity and beyond. Someday!
Right now I continue to work through the worst pain ever. I know there are people in this world who are cruel and stupid. I choose to give these people no power and find the place where I belong. It is sometimes easier said then done but I am in charge of me. How I make someone feel well anyway. I have to get the worries out of my head and know I will conquer so many things.
Today I am thankful for the life Scott and I shared. The memories we created, the planning we did to get to these days were important to Scott. He was a giggly bride! He picked out flowers. He didn't care who knew. He picked out cake. The day we tasted cake - need I say more! It's Scott. The man could eat and never gain, except he had gained. He was happy. He made a point everyday of telling me how much he loved me and that I made him happier then he ever had been. The life he wanted was with me.
Yesterday we walked around the grocery store here. It's easy when it isn't my own store. We were walking down the cookie aisle and his favorite cookies were there in abundance. At our house they were hard to find. He is in everything and everywhere. I can't change that! I don't want to change that! I won't change that! It is helping me face my grief processes.
So tonight my love I will be in your arms just where you wanted me to be. You are here. You surround me with love always and forever. The power of love will continue to infinity and beyond. We got our physical days together in too short of time but we will get our forever. I love you.
I don't know what I am or where I am supposed to be. I miss the love of my life. I miss the things were had planned. I don't really care that my life is supposed to have another meaning. I want him back. This sucks. The pain isn't nice. I have so many things in my head. I love him. I need him but I know he will never hold me in his arms again. I know he is here. I know I am the love of his life. I know he will give me infinity and beyond. Someday!
Right now I continue to work through the worst pain ever. I know there are people in this world who are cruel and stupid. I choose to give these people no power and find the place where I belong. It is sometimes easier said then done but I am in charge of me. How I make someone feel well anyway. I have to get the worries out of my head and know I will conquer so many things.
Today I am thankful for the life Scott and I shared. The memories we created, the planning we did to get to these days were important to Scott. He was a giggly bride! He picked out flowers. He didn't care who knew. He picked out cake. The day we tasted cake - need I say more! It's Scott. The man could eat and never gain, except he had gained. He was happy. He made a point everyday of telling me how much he loved me and that I made him happier then he ever had been. The life he wanted was with me.
Yesterday we walked around the grocery store here. It's easy when it isn't my own store. We were walking down the cookie aisle and his favorite cookies were there in abundance. At our house they were hard to find. He is in everything and everywhere. I can't change that! I don't want to change that! I won't change that! It is helping me face my grief processes.
So tonight my love I will be in your arms just where you wanted me to be. You are here. You surround me with love always and forever. The power of love will continue to infinity and beyond. We got our physical days together in too short of time but we will get our forever. I love you.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Lead and I follow
Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it. -Polly Berends
Yes I am learning. I am learning I have to make my life a different place. I'm am forever changed by my relationship with Scott and by the loss of his physical vessel. I am calm today after a night of no sleep. I tried but with and early morning call and a fantastic space that he would have enjoyed in the king suite. It was perfect but lonely. I got to the airport for a beautiful sunrise. I know I flew but I was asleep before the plane took off. I never sleep on a plane but I did today.
Walking off the plane and finding my friends to support me through this weekend in a new place that I've never been. I had tears - lots of tears but I know I can be lead and I will follow. He is here with me. I know he is here. I haven't listened to the radio but darn it if the TV doesn't have my favorite show in FIJI. I've changed the channel before when I can't watch but tonight I can watch.
I'm having a beautiful time and will make it but I will figure out all the changes for myself and what I need to reduce the stress. This weekend I will follow and be loved in person. I will make it forward but it is nice to pause in my life for the moment to figure out what I can do to continue to live forward.
Yes I am learning. I am learning I have to make my life a different place. I'm am forever changed by my relationship with Scott and by the loss of his physical vessel. I am calm today after a night of no sleep. I tried but with and early morning call and a fantastic space that he would have enjoyed in the king suite. It was perfect but lonely. I got to the airport for a beautiful sunrise. I know I flew but I was asleep before the plane took off. I never sleep on a plane but I did today.
Walking off the plane and finding my friends to support me through this weekend in a new place that I've never been. I had tears - lots of tears but I know I can be lead and I will follow. He is here with me. I know he is here. I haven't listened to the radio but darn it if the TV doesn't have my favorite show in FIJI. I've changed the channel before when I can't watch but tonight I can watch.
I'm having a beautiful time and will make it but I will figure out all the changes for myself and what I need to reduce the stress. This weekend I will follow and be loved in person. I will make it forward but it is nice to pause in my life for the moment to figure out what I can do to continue to live forward.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tonight
Today has been what I could say is crap. I won't go into the details but change seems to be everywhere. I have to progress in my grief. This week was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life but well we all know what happened.
The only thing with this week is that I'm not in shock anymore. I have to face everything head on and not have the coping mechanism. So in this time I have learned the people I can really count on. Surprisingly it isn't all the ones I would have expected but I am facing that change. I will face everything eventually but at 11.5 weeks and "wedding" weekend I would really like someone to explain what they THINK I should be feeling because I can't say it wouldn't work because every person who is making it through this process has there own feelings. If you have never done this don't tell me how to act and feel. I am doing it ALL but I refuse to stop feeling because if I ignore the bad stuff it doesn't go away it just gets stronger and I know I would snap.
Tonight I have the joy of feeling Scott's love once again. When I need him this overwhelming feeling of warmth enfolds me as if I am receiving a hug of love. Tonight I made a call to a person who is only an acquaintace and simply asked for his prayers. It wasn't a long call it wasn't meant to be but I need the power of prayer this week as I face the fact head on that the love of my life is only here in the afterlife. I have true friends who I can count upon and for them I hope they know the power of my love.
The only thing with this week is that I'm not in shock anymore. I have to face everything head on and not have the coping mechanism. So in this time I have learned the people I can really count on. Surprisingly it isn't all the ones I would have expected but I am facing that change. I will face everything eventually but at 11.5 weeks and "wedding" weekend I would really like someone to explain what they THINK I should be feeling because I can't say it wouldn't work because every person who is making it through this process has there own feelings. If you have never done this don't tell me how to act and feel. I am doing it ALL but I refuse to stop feeling because if I ignore the bad stuff it doesn't go away it just gets stronger and I know I would snap.
Tonight I have the joy of feeling Scott's love once again. When I need him this overwhelming feeling of warmth enfolds me as if I am receiving a hug of love. Tonight I made a call to a person who is only an acquaintace and simply asked for his prayers. It wasn't a long call it wasn't meant to be but I need the power of prayer this week as I face the fact head on that the love of my life is only here in the afterlife. I have true friends who I can count upon and for them I hope they know the power of my love.
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