"Toy Story 3 is about change. It's about embracing change. It's about people being faced with changed and how they deal with it." - Lee Unkrich (Director TS3)
Do you think he knows what these words really mean to this one specific person in the world? Tonight I took the step to take the movie out of the box and watch it. Our plan had been to take Laynie and my niece to see this movie before the wedding. The girls all knew that Scott was "Buzz." This was a HUGE step for me tonight. Yes I cried. I don't think I cried in all the same places everyone else did nor for all the reasons everyone else does.
"Andy" was moving on to college and he had to tell his beloved toys goodbye and growing up and moving on. They were a huge part of his life. I too will someday be able to let go of the "things" in my life that mean Scott to me. I'm slowly making it through the change in my life and trying to come to grips with "who am I?" now. I don't know who that is but I will find my way. This has been the hardest change I have faced in my short life. It wasn't gradual like going off to college or when my Dad or Grandma passed away. The part of the film that was a wish for me - Andy got one last time to play with the toys and tell them goodbye. I wish I had one last day to spend with Scott. I did have one last day. It wasn't a dream day but we did have those together.
The other night I relived one of those dream nights with Scott once again together and sharing all the love we had. Without the pressures of the world beyond. We had two of those "larger then life" moments very recently. I have amazing memories but I would die to have one more moment to say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye. I love him to infinity and beyond. I hope Pixar and all the makers know that they have given me magic that will forever be carried in my heart to infinity and beyond.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Craving Chocolate
I'm sick and feel like death warmed over. I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't mind it being my expiration date but to clear your conscience I will tell you I won't do anything to hasten that experience. I promised to many people and I'm told there are too many people who need me.
I went to work yesterday and overdid the job because my office was moved to a new space and being sick is not a time to move furniture and files. This morning I woke up with a fever and was ready to throw in the towel. I stayed in bed and finally the fever broke and I made it to the couch. I laid on the couch from late afternoon bundled in four or five blankets, resting. I watched one of my favorite past times on Netflix -- BBC dramas made from novels. My choice was Jane Eyre. I know love like that. I wish I was able to take our love into the pages of a book for others to feel the power. We didn't get to live happily ever after but I didn't say our love was a Disney movie. Lord knows we tried.
I eventually made it to the shower and clean jammies for our favorite Thursday night television lineup. I also am watching the Fantasy Football team on the computer. I'm not tasting much of anything and have been sticking to the tea, toast and soup food groups but now I'm craving chocolate. I asked Hannah to bake some cookies from the freezer but she won't. I have two giant bunnies of my favorite chocolate, Ferror Roche, sitting in my room. I look at them and know he gave them to me on Sunday as his last gift to me. I can't bring myself to eat them but that was why he gave them to me. I know he is laughing at me telling me to open them. I hear him telling me to at least eat the chocolate but you can save the bunny plastic shapes.
I think maybe it might be better to wait to eat them until I can actually taste the wonderful chocolate. He loves me. That gift will never spoil or rot. He made my heart larger with something that I can't find the words to describe. He wants me to keep living and not wish my life away or sit watching life go by. There will be better in my world someday. Right now I'll take getting rid of this cough and sounding like a frog. It's okay! I love you!
I went to work yesterday and overdid the job because my office was moved to a new space and being sick is not a time to move furniture and files. This morning I woke up with a fever and was ready to throw in the towel. I stayed in bed and finally the fever broke and I made it to the couch. I laid on the couch from late afternoon bundled in four or five blankets, resting. I watched one of my favorite past times on Netflix -- BBC dramas made from novels. My choice was Jane Eyre. I know love like that. I wish I was able to take our love into the pages of a book for others to feel the power. We didn't get to live happily ever after but I didn't say our love was a Disney movie. Lord knows we tried.
I eventually made it to the shower and clean jammies for our favorite Thursday night television lineup. I also am watching the Fantasy Football team on the computer. I'm not tasting much of anything and have been sticking to the tea, toast and soup food groups but now I'm craving chocolate. I asked Hannah to bake some cookies from the freezer but she won't. I have two giant bunnies of my favorite chocolate, Ferror Roche, sitting in my room. I look at them and know he gave them to me on Sunday as his last gift to me. I can't bring myself to eat them but that was why he gave them to me. I know he is laughing at me telling me to open them. I hear him telling me to at least eat the chocolate but you can save the bunny plastic shapes.
I think maybe it might be better to wait to eat them until I can actually taste the wonderful chocolate. He loves me. That gift will never spoil or rot. He made my heart larger with something that I can't find the words to describe. He wants me to keep living and not wish my life away or sit watching life go by. There will be better in my world someday. Right now I'll take getting rid of this cough and sounding like a frog. It's okay! I love you!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Open Your Eyes
"Open your eyes and see those things which are around us at this hour." - Richard Jeffries
This is still very hard to do. I know there are lots of things around me but I also know it really is okay to stand in the moment and remember the life that was. I know I'm not yet ready to move things are get rid of things. I have tried and it sends me into a panic.
I am promising that I won't be ten years down the road and still sitting here surrounded by all our memories of the last years in this house. Right now I'm good but I don't need panic. I'm just now learning to control the episodes and move forward. Our house is my comfort zone.
I look at the Christmas pictures from last year and know I need to have new ones taken of Hannah and I. It is our reality now. I know what my reality is. I'm still not happy with it but I do know reality. I treasure our life together, the memories in this house. All the mushy stuff, our first kiss, our first date, holding hands, the fight in the kitchen and the last time he sat on the couch and told me "it's okay, I love you!" Yes love was never in doubt. That is what I hang onto. Someday I will be okay. Someday I won't have to struggle with putting his things away. Someday I will be able to live where he would want me to be. Our love does mean infinity and beyond.
Now if someone can please explain why the cat is fixated on the craft room and most specifically the closet where my wedding dress is hanging out of sight in the bag? I follow her in and she goes straight to closet. I open the door touch the dress, she walks out and is okay. If I don't she stands in the hall outside the door and meows crazy at me until I put her out or do what she says!
This is still very hard to do. I know there are lots of things around me but I also know it really is okay to stand in the moment and remember the life that was. I know I'm not yet ready to move things are get rid of things. I have tried and it sends me into a panic.
I am promising that I won't be ten years down the road and still sitting here surrounded by all our memories of the last years in this house. Right now I'm good but I don't need panic. I'm just now learning to control the episodes and move forward. Our house is my comfort zone.
I look at the Christmas pictures from last year and know I need to have new ones taken of Hannah and I. It is our reality now. I know what my reality is. I'm still not happy with it but I do know reality. I treasure our life together, the memories in this house. All the mushy stuff, our first kiss, our first date, holding hands, the fight in the kitchen and the last time he sat on the couch and told me "it's okay, I love you!" Yes love was never in doubt. That is what I hang onto. Someday I will be okay. Someday I won't have to struggle with putting his things away. Someday I will be able to live where he would want me to be. Our love does mean infinity and beyond.
Now if someone can please explain why the cat is fixated on the craft room and most specifically the closet where my wedding dress is hanging out of sight in the bag? I follow her in and she goes straight to closet. I open the door touch the dress, she walks out and is okay. If I don't she stands in the hall outside the door and meows crazy at me until I put her out or do what she says!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Friendships
"Without friends the world is but a wilderness... There is no man that imparteth his joys to his friends, but he joyeth the more; and no man that imparteth griefs to his friends,but he grieveth the less." - Frances Bacon
Yes it does take an effort to be a friend and it also takes an effort to let my friends be here for me. I don't want to impose on others by continuing my saga of ongoing sadness and depression. I do have good times and can smile and laugh but this day is just another in many days that have gone by.
It is amazing how being sick just reopens wounds I try to move past but they aren't going anywhere. This has been a terrible loss for me and I try to bury myself away from others and hide my grief but when I do that I become a hermit. I don't want to always be in this grief but I have to continue to face that there are times it is okay to sit and let it happen. Let the tears roll and try to heal myself with them.
I really think so many things each day that I can't share that I feel like I have no right to burden others with these feelings. I know that I have a great circle of friends that I trust with all my heart. I know that Scott didn't choose to leave me and the girls behind. I know he would have change anything if he'd known what was about to happen. I can feel him telling me that all the time. I can feel him embracing me so very often to get me through a point that gets me out there and into the supporting arms of others.
There are things that will always continue to happen that I will forever believe in the power of God and the unknown. It isn't my time to know things but it is my time to continue to place my self in the hands of those around me. Those that have been placed into my life for a reason. I have no voice to ask for help right now. I will make it just for now it continues to be one day at a time.
Yes it does take an effort to be a friend and it also takes an effort to let my friends be here for me. I don't want to impose on others by continuing my saga of ongoing sadness and depression. I do have good times and can smile and laugh but this day is just another in many days that have gone by.
It is amazing how being sick just reopens wounds I try to move past but they aren't going anywhere. This has been a terrible loss for me and I try to bury myself away from others and hide my grief but when I do that I become a hermit. I don't want to always be in this grief but I have to continue to face that there are times it is okay to sit and let it happen. Let the tears roll and try to heal myself with them.
I really think so many things each day that I can't share that I feel like I have no right to burden others with these feelings. I know that I have a great circle of friends that I trust with all my heart. I know that Scott didn't choose to leave me and the girls behind. I know he would have change anything if he'd known what was about to happen. I can feel him telling me that all the time. I can feel him embracing me so very often to get me through a point that gets me out there and into the supporting arms of others.
There are things that will always continue to happen that I will forever believe in the power of God and the unknown. It isn't my time to know things but it is my time to continue to place my self in the hands of those around me. Those that have been placed into my life for a reason. I have no voice to ask for help right now. I will make it just for now it continues to be one day at a time.
Monday, November 8, 2010
My Buzz
This morning I had a bad wake up feeling like the world should just be gone and I should be in Scott's arms once again. I did the right thing - I reached out to a friend who got me laughing. That friend shall remain nameless but needless to say our common bonds are great and laughter was therapeutic. Oh and we decided our daughters think we are old and embarrassing. I just so miss being loved. I know many love me but it isn't the same and you all know it!
Saturday I took myself to ye old Wally World for carpet cleaner. For once in seven months I came out with more then I went in for. Shopping progress. I bought Toy Story 3 and also these cute little 2.5 inch plastic Buzz and Woody figurines. My little shrine to Scott is growing but it is still very portable - it goes where I go when I travel!
Our housekeeper had rescheduled for today. She is the wonderful caring woman who Scott hired. I need her in my life because without her I wouldn't have a reason to do things like sort the mail. I just walked into our bedroom and sat down on the bed. I looked over and my sweet lady had posed my Buzz by the index card that sits by Scott's picture in which he had written "I LOVE YOU." His outstretched arms were pointing to those precious words. How did she know I needed that gesture today. She is amazing. She even puts my Scott pillows back just as I like them on his side of the bed covered in his t-shirt.
These little things help me sleep and get me through the day when I struggle to get going. I feel Scott laughing at me today as I struggle to talk on my yearly loss of voice. I can see him grinning at me but taking care of me. I called Mike to ask him to pick up Hannah and I got a taste of what Scott would be doing. He laughed at me. Mike never laughs at me when I lose my voice. He must be channeling Scott.
Another day bites the dust but my Buzz is loving me to infinity and beyond.
Saturday I took myself to ye old Wally World for carpet cleaner. For once in seven months I came out with more then I went in for. Shopping progress. I bought Toy Story 3 and also these cute little 2.5 inch plastic Buzz and Woody figurines. My little shrine to Scott is growing but it is still very portable - it goes where I go when I travel!
Our housekeeper had rescheduled for today. She is the wonderful caring woman who Scott hired. I need her in my life because without her I wouldn't have a reason to do things like sort the mail. I just walked into our bedroom and sat down on the bed. I looked over and my sweet lady had posed my Buzz by the index card that sits by Scott's picture in which he had written "I LOVE YOU." His outstretched arms were pointing to those precious words. How did she know I needed that gesture today. She is amazing. She even puts my Scott pillows back just as I like them on his side of the bed covered in his t-shirt.
These little things help me sleep and get me through the day when I struggle to get going. I feel Scott laughing at me today as I struggle to talk on my yearly loss of voice. I can see him grinning at me but taking care of me. I called Mike to ask him to pick up Hannah and I got a taste of what Scott would be doing. He laughed at me. Mike never laughs at me when I lose my voice. He must be channeling Scott.
Another day bites the dust but my Buzz is loving me to infinity and beyond.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Words of Wisdom
"I am grateful from the bottom of my heart, that I have shared the life of my loved one. And I trust that someday my happiness, as I remember our life together, will far outweigh the grief I feel now." - Martha Whitmore Hickman
"...how complicated and individual mending is; the time required for healing cannot be measured against any fixed calendar." - Mary Jane Moffat
Someday there will be a point in my life where each day isn't measured by the loss of Scott. I have no timetable planned out but to take it one day at a time. I will live each day and get through each milestone, each holiday, each event and it won't be so all consuming. That isn't yet. My house is very quiet. I feel his ongoing spirit surrounding me to support me through all these times. He is here laughing at my antics, holding me up when I'm sad, wiping my tears when I cry, and loving me always.
The words I have in my heart
"Adore Always, Remember Forever, Love to Infinity and Beyond"
are from him everyday. The tears don't stop because they are cleansing. The tears are healing me from the inside out. I'm not there today but someday.
So with this final thought for today:
"My grief and pain are mine, I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach." Anne Wilson Schaef
"...how complicated and individual mending is; the time required for healing cannot be measured against any fixed calendar." - Mary Jane Moffat
Someday there will be a point in my life where each day isn't measured by the loss of Scott. I have no timetable planned out but to take it one day at a time. I will live each day and get through each milestone, each holiday, each event and it won't be so all consuming. That isn't yet. My house is very quiet. I feel his ongoing spirit surrounding me to support me through all these times. He is here laughing at my antics, holding me up when I'm sad, wiping my tears when I cry, and loving me always.
The words I have in my heart
"Adore Always, Remember Forever, Love to Infinity and Beyond"
are from him everyday. The tears don't stop because they are cleansing. The tears are healing me from the inside out. I'm not there today but someday.
So with this final thought for today:
"My grief and pain are mine, I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach." Anne Wilson Schaef
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Carpet Cleaning
I haven't written for the last two days. Not because I don't want to but time and Hannah's activities have gotten in the way. Last night I came home from seeing the HS musical. I'm just the driver. I take Hannah and if it weren't for great friends and other parents sitting next to me I would have been alone. For a bit I was alone in the crowd of others. Sitting there with my memories and wishes. That seems to be what I have left. I didn't sleep last night well but I slept for hours. Twelve to be exact. I went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 2pm. Nothing wrong with that I suppose.
I wasn't planning on doing anything today. I have some paperwork to do for work but well somehow that just sits in the car. I was very restless today and unable to sit still. I'm worried about a dear friend who I would do anything for but I feel helpless. I cleaned instead but not my logical self. I was jumping from thing to thing. I don't like this antsy feeling. I did a bit of laundry, took out the trash, rinsed some dishes but I didn't complete one household chore. Then I pulled out the magic erasers that Scott bought the day he died. It has been on the Wal-mart list and he picked them up. We were supposed to wipe down the doors and the frames. It didn't get done in April but today I did a few of them.
Then suddenly the carpet was getting on my nerves. Did you know that carpet can be annoying. The task I kept saying to him I wanted to do on Saturday for Sunday was clean the living room carpet. It was my honey do list but somehow he had to mess with the palm trees. It's just one of those things I keep saying to myself "if only" but I can't change the past I know that. I can't stand that feeling the thousands of questions I have each day about how I would like to change the past.
Today I did a chore he should have been here to help me complete. We should be celebrating life together not just me mourning his passing. I feel so lost and lonely most days. I'm capable of living and taking care of myself but I don't like it. I finished the carpet but it didn't make him appear before me. It didn't make him come back. I didn't stop the pain in my heart or the worry in my head. I'm doing things but it just seems like a waste of effort to try real hard. I will make it keeping busy. I will take one step at a time because it is not my day today but someday all these steps will lead us back to each others arms.
I wasn't planning on doing anything today. I have some paperwork to do for work but well somehow that just sits in the car. I was very restless today and unable to sit still. I'm worried about a dear friend who I would do anything for but I feel helpless. I cleaned instead but not my logical self. I was jumping from thing to thing. I don't like this antsy feeling. I did a bit of laundry, took out the trash, rinsed some dishes but I didn't complete one household chore. Then I pulled out the magic erasers that Scott bought the day he died. It has been on the Wal-mart list and he picked them up. We were supposed to wipe down the doors and the frames. It didn't get done in April but today I did a few of them.
Then suddenly the carpet was getting on my nerves. Did you know that carpet can be annoying. The task I kept saying to him I wanted to do on Saturday for Sunday was clean the living room carpet. It was my honey do list but somehow he had to mess with the palm trees. It's just one of those things I keep saying to myself "if only" but I can't change the past I know that. I can't stand that feeling the thousands of questions I have each day about how I would like to change the past.
Today I did a chore he should have been here to help me complete. We should be celebrating life together not just me mourning his passing. I feel so lost and lonely most days. I'm capable of living and taking care of myself but I don't like it. I finished the carpet but it didn't make him appear before me. It didn't make him come back. I didn't stop the pain in my heart or the worry in my head. I'm doing things but it just seems like a waste of effort to try real hard. I will make it keeping busy. I will take one step at a time because it is not my day today but someday all these steps will lead us back to each others arms.
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