Sad Day

Yup today didn't turn out to be the best day but well it was a day. Things don't always happen as you expect and sometimes someone will say something without realizing what a small thought on their own life will do to someone else.

I really only have one thing to say today. Life is nothing without love! That love comes in many forms, friends, family, husbands, wives, lovers, children, parents and the list can keep on going. If you really think you can make it without any of those people then you aren't living life to the fullest.

I'm tired from being so sad this afternoon and hopefully I get a chance to make it right. I am here living forward not because I want to but well there is nothing in my life without love. I lost Scott but my life didn't stop! I've been hurt but it won't stop me from living forward!

If you are reading this you are in my life for a reason. We all have a purpose we just have to live forward to find it!

Lifeforce of God

"God is serious about knowing how it is with us." - Willie S. Teague

"Sometimes in my darkness I can believe I am held in a love which supports all creation. Not always, but sometimes." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

How very odd that this entry in my daily grief book has the name of the town Scott is buried and his parents live. I have found all my changes over the last ten months have given me a boost in my spiritual awareness. It is not possible to not feel the support across the planes of spirituality. Each of us has our own personal journey to take. We each will have moments in life where we feel the presence of God. I have been given this journey without understanding of where I'm supposed to be but I haven't avoided the journey.

Today I spent time outside looking at the palm trees around the pool. I am amazed at how much they have grown in the past year. It seems so odd that they have continued to grow. It is God's gift to nurture the nature around us. God nurtures us too. I worked in the flower bed for a bit. This is progress for me, to be able to sit on the patio, to see life around me. I feel his arms surrounding me, pushing me to live and find the peace in my soul. I have things I have to look forward too. I have a reason to smile tomorrow. I am finding joy in the small things that make each day possible. I won't be the crazy cat lady. God has a purpose for me and a place I am supposed to be. I continue to ask for guidance and protection as I make my way.

I am not alone, everything is in God's hands and I have the peace in my heart to live forward one step at a time. Sometimes though, I try to rush the steps and move forward too quickly but I know that there has to be something good out there for me again. Now if the darn Hallmark movie would stop with the tearful commercials. I really don't want to be reminded of Valentine's Day but I will survive. I am not so sad anymore and the memories of giant kisses and hugs make it possible to get through each day. It may be possible to be loved again but that is an answer I don't have just yet. Maybe someday not today but I keep living forward!

Peaceful Moments

Well here we are more days they just keep coming and I just keep living through them. My Mom called today. She was very chatty. We talked about Easter and the anniversary of Scott's passing into the arms of the God. They aren't on the same day this year. I think it will most likely never happen again but the two dates are equal in my mind. I am making it but I really don't want to think about those things.

I know Scott wants his life to be celebrated not forever mourned. We used to have this discussion about the cemetary and how it wasn't where we ever wanted each other to make it a habit of visiting if the other passed first. He's not there and it's certainly not a place he is happy about. What joy is there in someplace that seems so morbid.

"Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation." -Wendell Berry

Yes you see I know that it is okay that I want to be surrounded with others. It is good that I am learning how to smile, laugh and find joy in conversations with others. I want to be surrounded by my friends. It is funny because this thought has often gone through my head, "I realize I am not a bundle of cheer right now. But I needed to get out and be with people." I have managed to do that. Now I'm ready to not just be there as a body in a crowd. I'm ready to not be sad and find the joy in the moments.

I know I will still be allowed to have to moments when I get to be sad. I know that someone is always there to hold my hand. I know that it isn't the same person always. So many people have held me through my new life while I learn to hold myself upright again. I refuse to allow loneliness to be the way the rest of my life ends. I want to find happiness and joy on this plane. Scott wants nothing less for me. I will find a way to possibly understand April 4 and Easter but I have learned in all of this I don't have to do it right now. I am at peace for the moment and I hope many moments to come!

Grief is Fading

"Feeling better...I also felt a sense of betrayal of my husband, even though I rationally knew that sustained grief could be morbid. Because grief may become a substitute for the dead one, giving up our grief can be the greatest challenge of mourning." - Mary Jane Moffat

I am feeling better. I am not struggling to deal with all the grief. I am ready to try new things and experiences. That doesn't mean that I love Scott less. It will never mean that I have forgotten him. It does mean, however, that I have an understanding of what he truly wants for me; Happiness. He wants me to live my life and love my life.

It will be okay that I am living forward. Scott promised me love and he will never stop loving me. He just gets to meddle whenever he wants. I'm sure he will always love that! Really the radio thing does get a bit old sometimes. I've outsmarted him though, I put it on the classical station. It is all good my heart is happy. The love is there but the grief is fading. I know I will still have moments but I know how to make it.

So my next step is not feeling guilty for feeling happy except I have this new energy that makes sitting on the couch a lot less fun! I haven't watched House Hunters in a month! I haven't watched iCarly in three months. You see I'm gradually getting there. I can give up my grief. I don't have to give up loving Scott! I just happen to know a few secrets that some people never learn. I have to say I'm glad some people never have to learn them because they are truly very lucky. I continue my prayers. They will all be answered. I have faith in that power!

Surprises and Happiness

"I will keep my eyes open. Something surprising and good may happen tomorrow - or the day after." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

I like it when good things happen. I like it when someone brightens my day with a quick phone call. It is good to know I can make someones day too. It really is the little things in life that matter. A smile, a hug, a laugh, they all make my heart feel bigger. This morning was a jumbled madhouse for me. I had a desk full of papers, an out of balance itouch, four people starring at me all at once when my phone rings. I love it when a phone call with a side note tucked in makes all the craziness less chaotic.

I want to know that surprises and happiness really are out there to happen. I'm ready for good things in my life. I'm know that sadness happens but I have learned how to move out of that and feel myself being alive. I know that Scott died but I didn't. I know he wants me to be happy. I know he is in God's light and looking at me with love and pointing me to the happiness. I got off the phone with a dearest friend a bit ago. She laughs and jokes and tells me she knows how happiness is what Scott wants for me. It is okay that the pain in my heart is less. It is okay that I smile most of the day. It is good that I feel alive.

What is not good is that I'm figuring out that I'm tired of my own company. It's not that I don't have great friends around who have helped me through so much but I'm ready to hop a bit out of the nest. I don't know what that means though so I'll be content with a bit of happiness or surprise around the corner. I know that the point of really living my life again is arriving slowly but surely. I know that I love Scott forever. He is my love to infinity and beyond and he waits for me in the beyond but I still have live. I don't get to give up. It's not my time. I don't get to be the 40 something crazy cat lady. My friends won't let me do that! Happiness and surprises will be a nice thing. You know I love a little magic in my life. I must still be on the Disney Magic high, best drug in the world!

Blessed Comfort

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

"I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." - Isak Dinesen


I've been in a weird mood today. Just sad and I don't know really why. I can't find the words to explain. I've accomplished so much at work and really enjoyed our trip. Today, however, we walked into my favorite burger place and suddenly I was a mess. I've been there before but today was different. Ugg I hate it when I get these moments of panic and anxiety. I am understanding so much.

I have been making it forward. I don't avoid my grief and when moments like these happen I find a way to deal with it. I worked on a project today that needs to be done. I focus on our patients so I can make their lives better. I am a better person because I can help others. It's just sometimes I need a big hug. On the way home tonight I realized I have another darn step to take, another day to face. There will be no roses and tulips for me this year. I'm so glad I'm a photo nut and took pictures of all the beautiful flowers from Scott. I don't know how to deal with all of this sometimes but I just keep trying.

He is here always because he is in my memories and my heart. I am learning how to make it and make room for more of my life to happen. I know I just keep asking for light and love to surround me. I know in this process of mourning there will be comfort from the Higher Power. One of the passages in my reading today was about the ability to share grief because in the lessons I have learned there will be someone else who will follow who needs the guidance. This blog has given me a place to get my mind into an understanding and hopefully provide insight for someone else.

I just really need a big bear hug. I really miss that feeling. I know how odd that sounds but I love how much you can feel in a hug. I love how much Scott was able to give me with one big hug. Oh well I guess I will spend Valentine's Day with my stuffed Buzz this year and the great memories of all the love and maybe hope for a future beyond being the crazy cat woman.

Magical Self-Confidence

I realized today what it is that everyone is seeing that they mistake for happiness. I have my self-confidence back. It took me many years to develop that in myself. I've spent my entire life fighting shyness. Putting myself out there and staying out there means I risk pain. Scott wasn't my self-confidence but he encouraged it. He knew the secrets to keeping my outlook positive when I was down. The moment I lost him I lost my self-confidence in my grief. I've had to fight that he left me. I know he didn't leave me on purpose. It wasn't his choice to go but God needed him and so my self-confidence disappeared.

What you all see in pictures is my trust in myself. I can do this. I am doing this journey of living forward. As my friend Nancy kept telling me this weekend, "You are amazing strong. You are doing the hard stuff!" That is why my self-confidence is back and my smile is sparkly. Other people may have opinions about who I am or where I am in this journey but I'm the only opinion I care about. I have control over my own self-confidence. I can make decisions that are right and I have made decisions that are right. I'm tired tonight. Jet lag is catching up with me so my self-confidence is a bit shaky, I doubt myself sometimes but I can work through those feelings. It is amazing what thousands of dollars worth of grief counseling can do.

I am living forward, trusting in God and being true to myself. Someone recently described me as sweet. I'm not sure what that means. I can say that I try to live my life as a nice person. I have faults and sometimes get cranky and mean but that just makes me feel guilty and I don't do guilt well! I know that I'm not perfect. I don't expect special treatment but I try to treat others with kindness and respect. The kindness and respect others have shown me throughout all of this past almost ten months has been the greatest foundation I could ask for.

I had this discussion with my friend Rhonda today about what being sweet meant. She explained it well! She said it is not a bad thing. She said some people could say it was fake but anyone who spends enough time around you realizes that is you. I started laughing because I know several who would disagree, Hannah being the main one, because I do have a temper. I am still so very different then I was ten months ago. Scott's passing has taught me that in the long run there is nothing in life that can't be fixed except death. It doesn't pay to lose my temper or get angry. I'm trying very hard to use that mindset each day because I know if I am patient all things work themselves out.

I trust in the Magic that is life! I know with each prayer for strength and direction there are answers. I have my self-confidence shining through. I am still not always happy but I know Scott will forever be in my heart. I just know I have room for someone else when the time is right. Only I can answer that question and take the next step in living forward. I also know my self-confidence isn't made or broken by another. It does however get worn on my sleeve at times. So I smile because I know my attitude gives someone else a smile.

Now off to write a letter Disneyland about there less then Magical Cast Member and most importantly the Magical Cast Member - Charlie! I saw him when I was alone a few times and he smiled and waved. He knows how to pass on the Magic in life. It is possible to pass that Magic on outside of Disney too!