Out of Character

Okay so I figured out the answer to my crazy roller coaster of emotions. Yesterday was the last time Scott and I fought. I don't mean the "I'm concerned about you please listen to me conversation!" but the knock down, door slamming, I can't deal with this outside BS anymore fight! I still have all the emotions of all those days. I know I always will but I really want to live! I want to be alive and feel alive. Someone keeps saying to me "What would Scott want you to do?" I can answer that with a thousand percent certainty!

He wants me to live and love and laugh. He doesn't want me hiding. He always told me he was the luckiest man in the world to be with me. You know what I wish I could have told him he was right! I doubt myself and he knew how to push me out there. I know Hannah comes first but really you think I'm nuts talking about this on the anniversary of his death but I think it is time to spread my wings! Whose got ideas. I don't require someone to take care of me but there are benefits to adult relationships that well let's just say a ghost just can't do!

I worked myself out of some really crazy thoughts because those don't do me any good. I have decided Scott doesn't want me to focus on the events of his death but on love, life and laughter. He isn't at the cemetery. I did my best to memorialize his memory. I left space for me but it's not time to use it! I don't need to focus on the bleak and painful! I am here to live. I thought maybe I could disappear and not tell anyone where I'm going but I'm too responsible for that. I will however say a few people know where I'll be and maybe I will share. According to my Mom she told me if I was going somewhere then it had better go on FB so she could keep track of me! No matter how hard I try I can't break my own rules!!

How about this suggestion from a friend! He told me to go have Mexican food where I'm going, have a shot of Tequila and kiss a random guy!! LOL! Made me think of the song "Tequila makes my clothes come off!" Well I'd say that would certainly get me out of character! Scott would have loved that! Oh wait he knew the effects of alcohol on me! Maybe someday I will get my feet wet! LOL! Shh I know TMI!

I am better! I am stronger! I just have moments of relapse and for some reason I needed a kick in the pants last night and a dose of Xanax! I am myself. I have been able to multitask and smile and laugh. I know you all care about me! I, however, need to figure out how to be in a new life and open to new experiences and opportunities! So maybe it is time to conquer my other fear of dating. I don't know the steps to that or admit that it is a lot easier to play it safe and hid in the house and not do anything but dating doesn't mean I have to be in a committed relationship! It does mean that I need to fly a bit. It also doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving Scott. How can you when you know for a fact he will always be here with me, messing with me, pushing the buttons on the TV, changing the music stations on the radio. I have my feet. I am a survivor.

He loves me and to me that means forever happiness not forever misery. He wants me to fly! So he isn't in the cemetery but he is always in my heart! He lifts me up and gives me wings. I ask for it daily and today I received the guidance I needed. There are some amazing people in my life and they know exactly what they give me! I'm not perfect. I make mistakes but I try to keep living forward. I'm not giving up!

Lifehouse

"So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here"


I'm not in a good place. I don't know if I can make it. I cried all the way home listening to this music, once again not my choice (thanks Scott!). I put myself to bed and I'm only up because Hannah came home from Church CCE. I was asked today what I'm going to do Monday. I know what I want to do but that would just surround me with a bunch of people so I won't say it. I want those feelings a being okay. I want to be good but I will never be alright. I'm not where I think I'm supposed to be and I'm having trouble trusting myself right now. I want to be that person who can be good in a conversation all the time without thinking of Scott in every sentence. Why does it have to be with just one person? Why can't I have a real life again?

I have no rational thoughts except I'M DONE for today! I'm retreating to my Sleeping Beauty persona! I miss my Prince Buzz to awaken me. I need to understand where I should be because I'm not trying again tonight. Tomorrow is another day!

Turning Left

This week my brain is dysfunctional. My synapes are firing all kinds of ways that aren't normal. I'm having trouble just thinking what I need to do while sitting at my desk. I move papers around really well but don't ask me to mutlti-task because something get screwed up. I can't tell you anything I did today except go to lunch with a few of my friends. Some of them just happen to be part of my staff.

"Someday, all of the sudden you will be able to make a left turn!" Really who knew this discussion could lead to a conversation that I really hate to make left turns. I don't know why! I can't explain it but I don't make left turns unless I'm forced to do so except with a light. This is the funniest reminder because Scott and I had this same discussion the very first time we had lunch together. Over the years he got a huge kick out of this bit of knowledge. Rhonda finds joy in this and now several more people laughed. Yes my friends you now know that I have other issues besides dealing with grief. It's okay I don't mind because it reminds me that it is great to have new memories of an old subject. See I'm learning to make left turns in my life.

I looked up today into laughing eyes and the world was a different color. Maybe there is a time when I can ride the lawn mower or even better go to the grocery store ALONE sooner then I thought! All that over chips/salsa and Mexican food! I felt like living and I felt like I was being protected. I truly enjoyed those feelings all from a table full of people who never met Scott. It is great to have a new life with pieces of the old one woven into it. I am a new person and I'm good with that today.

So with this new knowledge I will wait and see what continues in my life forward. It is going to be good to have memories and love of Scott but living a new life with new people. I am who I am because of my life then and now. I will make it learning to turn left. Just don't ask me to do left turns in the car! Emotions are much easier to make left turns! Surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way!

Rainbow Beads on a Bad Day

I kept it all together until I pulled in the driveway and Hannah unloaded the grocery store items from the car. I sat in the car sobbing. Now I have a nice headache and thnk I can cry for the rest of the night. I have eaten comfort foods; cheese, chocolate and yogurt! I really need a cheeseburger but I didn't stop. I was good. Let me backtrack...

This morning when I was done answering my first thing of the day work emails, trying to get ready for work I got a call to fix the sprinkler system. Not too bad but I really hope Scott makes sure they fix it right this time. I know you think I'm crazy but he's really super strong here right now. Even more wild things have been happening in the house but it's not scary for me. I go to the car and one of my tires seems to have a slow leak! I added some air! I own an air compressor!

I make it to work and I pull into a parking spot and scrape the car next to me. It wasn't a big deal wasn't any different then we've all seen before. I was in a hurry and was planning on telling the person as soon as I saw them. Well she goes nuts and acts like I drove off and wasn't going to tell her. Oh my is all I can say. I went and washed my car before the grocery store and what do you think disappeared!!!! Hardly visible. Really people a scratched car is not like losing your life in an accident. Enough said I move on but let's all call the police when you get your car scratched in a parking lot!

In between all that bit the funniest part was the dropped beads all over my office floor. I loved the rainbow day to lighten the mood. If I would have had time I think I would have sat in the floor and picked them all up one at a time. I wasn't the one to drop the beads but later today I was finding them in all kinds of places. I needed my rainbow today. What I wouldn't do for a Scott hug with that rainbow.

A bit more of the day and it was time to get my shot. I know I made it in time this week because I set my calendar alarm and it reminded me twice to leave work and get stuck like a pin cushion. One of the ladies at the desk noticed my engagement/wedding rings for the first time and asked me if I'd gotten married! Nope just my rings with Scott. I can't take them off! She said, "Good you should never have to take them off even if you do find someone else!" Wow she is right! Now I have more news. My doctor who saves my life all the time is leaving. What am I going to do? This is not good. I hate finding a new doctor! She is part of my life and I trust her completely! I'm cussing in my head but I won't be saying the words.

I made it home, grabbed Hannah and we did our grocery store run. What will I do without my grocery buddy sighing, freezing and complaining next to me as we find the things we need. I may have to buy a restaurant just to eat or hire a chef! Anyone have any recommendations. Single, male chef that might be a good idea !!! We made it home with not much hassle and I sat in the driveway and cried. Over what? I'm not sure. I opened the garage door and I could see a life, a love and meanings that are gone. A box of stuff from his truck that I need to clean out, a Christmas tree exactly where he left it and a lawn mower he bought me. Who cries over a lawn mower?

I need a break from life. I asked a friend today to get me out of the building for lunch sometime this week but I think I need to stay hidden all week or at the very least take an extra dose of my panic meds! Surprisingly in all this I was still smiling on the outside. I'm wilting and crumbling but I will pick myself up off the ground and live again. As I was sitting there in the car the neighbor kitty was sitting on my sunroof. I looked up and saw kitty bobo! I tapped the glass and she started playing with me. I found a playful moment and a way to smile through the tears. Scott wants me to succeed and find happiness. If that has to come in a little moment of rainbow beads or kitty bobos then I'll take the sunshine!

Human Hearts

"When your burden is heaviest, you can always lighten a little some other burden. At the times when you cannot see God, there is still open to you this sacred possibility, to show God; for it is the love and kindness of human hearts through which the divine reality comes home to men whether they name it or not. Let this thought then, stay with you: there may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." - George S. Merriam

I can say that I have truly lived this over the last year. I have the best job in the world and I have the best outlet for keeping it all together. I have worked so hard to figure out how to live, how to love, how to walk into my new self. I can do it because I keep focusing on others. When I bury myself in Hannah's activities or my life around me I know God and Scott are always with me. Cheering me forward to my life.

This next two weeks will find me always surrounded by people who love me and want me to keep living forward. This circle of love will keep me going as I recall without trying the events of the last time Scott held me, hugged me, teased me, kissed me and walked out of my life in human form. I have been having flashes today of the watching them pull his truck out the pond. I will always suffer from PTSD. I am trying to fight, trying to keep my smile and know I am loved.

There are so many people I can lean on this week. I'm not sure what I need. I need someone to hold me up, anticipate and watch me very closely. I need someone who will make me smile, laugh and forget for brief moments of time. I want to live and celebrate a life that was about love! I don't want to grieve. I want to remember all the good times and not the trauma. I want to be me and know I am loved this week. I have made it this far. It isn't my time to be lost. I have a purpose and lives to continue touching. I am open to being loved and supported.

I ask to be surrounded by light and love, protect me, guide me and show me the way. Please help me make it through the trauma memories please remind me of happiness then and now. Help me keep my smile and look towards each day with a plan for the future! I have so much to keep giving to so many people. My life isn't about me, it's about giving to others. So the tears will flow but I know someone is always close with a tissue, a joke or even a flirty smile to give me courage! I may need a manicure though after holding on so tight. Maybe this week I just need to plant things in the yard and watch my birds. I will focus on one moment at a time again. I think it is where I am to keep living forward. I won't let a setback keep me down. I will live forward.

My Perfect Date!

I had the most perfect date tonight. It was just what I needed. No I'm not dating a guy. I spent a wonderful day with my beautiful daughter. We hung out. I did some work while watching her sunbathe, jump into the pool to immediately get out. I was multitasking but I was most importantly relaxing. My mind was not a jumble of interruptions of other people's to do lists. I got to focus on some things I need do for work but can never start because I get interrupted. My job is about juggling other people's priorities with a smile on my face and a get it done attitude. That was Friday for me. I don't mind most of the time, sometimes it is a bit much. I guess that means I am the ultimate politician!

Today was about Hannah and I (with a bit of work thrown in that she didn't see)! She is my world and my life and I will never have it any other way. We were together and we decided we needed our own date night after spending a day by the pool. Hannah and I clean up real nice I must say. We made a few stops then to the movies to drool over Matthew McConaughey and Josh Lucas in Lincoln Lawyer. Good movie, camera movement made me a bit dizzy at times but I was riveted to trying to figure out all the details. It was a good movie tonight it made me think and that is something I have tried to avoid in my free time.

After the movie we went to a late dinner. I had planned on cooking today but somewhere in my enjoyment of the day I forgot to thaw the chicken. Oh well it will still be frozen tomorrow if I don't remember to get it out again. The best part of dinner was having very grown up conversations. We talked about so many things. The question that startled me the most was when Hannah asked, "Mom, what are you going to do when I go to college?" My very grown up little girl worries so much about me. I honestly answered her, "I don't know. A lot can happen in three years! Look at Scott and I!" I answered her with tears in my eyes. I try to focus on the here and now. I used to have a life map but not anymore. I know it can all be gone tomorrow.

Last year at this time, Scott, Laynie, Hannah and I were at the movies. I know this because 1- I have the ticket stubs. I found them in my Mickey sweat jacket pocket after Scott died. 2 - I remember standing in the hall of the theater with Scott and Laynie waiting for Hannah to get out of her movie. There was nobody else around and Scott kept peaking his head into Hannah's theater to see if he could spot her, to see if there were boys involved. Moments in time, snapshots of life that was amazingly perfect for the short three years we lived together.

Scott and Laynie and I saw "How to Train Your Dragon." Laynie had decided she wanted a Shrek 4 party for her birthday. She stood up and pointed at the preview with sheer joy and excitement. Scott didn't get to see her do this because he went and got us drinks but we told him when he got back. He was loving helping her make her a decision about learning how she could choose things for herself not just because Hannah did it.

Today was very different then my perfect date last year. It is my perfect date in my new life for today. I have learned how to be happy in the moments I've been given. My life with Scott wasn't that I had to have a man in it. He was a force of his own. We were two separate people who recognized that loving each other was worth all the hurdles. We shared a life and love that is in my heart forever. Scott is his own person to me. I don't know what my future brings other then taking the time to be more then a to do list for work. That is there and if I can squeeze in a few moments it is good but it will still be there even after I take time for just me. Today was about Hannah and I! My perfect date with my beautiful daughter. I can only pray for more days like today! I hope tomorrow brings more moments of snapshots of memories. Those moments have given me an outlook that is truly me. I refuse to be bitter or mean that wasn't who I was before why should I be that now!

If you have a life that you can find a middle ground stop and look around because there has to be a hand to reach out and hold. Everyone needs a moment, a snapshot of love and kindness. Don't let your past keep you from living forward. There is someone right under you nose who may need you! I believe we all land in each other's lives for a reason but we don't get to decide why and if we are lucky maybe we do get to understand. Reach out and hold a hand. Stop what you are doing and go on that perfect date! Make a memory with someone of any age it will matter and you won't know it until it's too late!

I AM...

"What was it in the sweep of the sky, the giant outcropping of rock, the sassafras leaf in my hand? I did not know, but I felt hushed by awe and a quiet joy." -Avery Brooks

After all the trauma, stress, tears, loss, fatigue and all the crazy nonstop days I have learned to pause and feel that awe of and quiet joy. It gives me a rejuvenation that I know I need to keep going. There are so many parts to my life that I do enjoy these days. There are moments when I can have a conversation and the rest of the world disappears. There are times when I smile and feel full of joy. When I need a break to catch my breath, I stop and remember the times I have all the smiles, conversations and feel life.

The love of life is what I keep getting bits and pieces at a time. It hasn't completely stopped the breaks of loneliness or the quiet despair. I am trying to focus on my life in the here and now. I take the small moments and hope they add up to a magnificent moments. Tonight is the beginning of a week that should have been joyful and celebration I need all the moments of positive to keep me stepping instead of stopping.

I have all kinds of scenarios that run through my head of how to keep trying to remain focused. The ways to keep living forward. I have been so blessed with so many people holding me up and even pushing me forward when I don't want to try. My life matters to someone out there. I know it is more then just one person but having just one makes me keep breathing. I have a purpose, a reason for here and now and a place of where I will be going. I am learning who I am.

I received a phone call on Monday from one of those people in my life who has been on the fringe of my life watching and supporting me. She was changing jobs and wanted to personally let me know. She kept telling me what an inspiration I am and how special I am. It was nice to hear all of those kind words. My response though is always that I am being who I am. I don't know how to be anything more or less. I don't have a plan to get through this. I just listen to my heart and follow what I hear from God and Scott in my moments of reflection and healing.

Scott will always be a part of my heart but I have figured out that I do know how to live my life without him. I don't like it but I don't have a choice. I will do what I feel is the right step to take me further into my new life. I will always remember because that love gave me a life I will never forget but that doesn't mean I have stopped living. I am me! So in my time of quiet and reflection I continue to pray for light and love to keep me close in this last week of firsts.